Luke 11

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New Testament


Jebus teeched bowt prair

1 It wus a lil bit tiem goen bai when Jebus wus tawkin to da Ceiling Cat in him prayerz, wun of him folwerz askeded him: teachez us all to prai, like taht John de Bapdiss d00d teaches him follwerz.2 Jebus sed to dem: you prayz, sai: Praise Ceiling Cat, who be watchin yu, may him has a cheezburger.3 Let us dis day has our dalee cheezburger.4 And furgiv us for makin u a cookie, but eateding it, same as we furgiv teh kittehz taht maked us cookiez, but eated tehm. An leed us not into teh showa, but deliver us from teh wawter. ( * O ya mabye he also saided "cuz all our base n teh pwnage n teh +1s r belong 2 U 4eva&evah, srlsy kthxbai" n teh L00k skribez wroted taht down but eated it, or mabye teh Maffue skribez maked taht up l8rz n did not eated it, nobdoy noes 4shurz.)

5 So he sez 2 dem: if u haz fren an u visitz him in teh middle of teh nite and sez 2 him: d00d, i needz sum cookiez6 cuz i haz a fren cumming ovr an i don't haz any cookiez to giv him.7 An teh frist kitteh sez: Iz sleeping, teh kittnz r sleeping, evrbdi iz sleeping, go wai! NO COOKIEZ 4 U!!11!!8 But fren kitteh keepz scratchn n teh dr and frist kitteh givez fren kitteh teh cookiez 2 make him go wai.

9 So Iz tell u dis srsly - u wan sumting? u ask. u l00k 4 sumting, u gonna find it. Scratch n teh dr and it openz 4 u - srsly.10 Kittehz ask an getz, kittehz lookz an findz, kittehz scratch n teh dr, it openz. SRSLY.11 Lissen up kittnz: u wantz cookiez 4m ur urths kitteh daddee, duz ur urths kitteh daddee giv u dog f00d? or ifn u wantz tuna, nastee stuffz?12 Or ifn u wantz cheezbrgr, duz ur urths kitteh daddee giv u pewpiez?13 Srsly - ifn u can givz gud stuffz 2 ur kittnz an u iz jus urths kittehz, donchu tihnk taht Ceiling Cat - himz ur Ceiling Kitteh Daddee - givz u evn bettr cheezbrgrs??

Divideded Howse No Can Stand

14 An Jebus trowd owt debil that no cud tawk. An wonse debil wuz gahn, den dum d00d cud tawk an ppl wuz liek "WTF?!"15 But sum ppl sez "Jebus is rly Boss Debil! Dat how u trow owt debils!16 So if u not rly debil, den proov it wit sain frm Ceiling LOL!"

17 But Jebus seed der thowts, an sez "Cuhntri dat fiet Cibil War gitz pwnd, an divideded howse no can stand.18 Wai wud Basement Cat hurt himz own debils?19 Dat be stoopid!20 Ceiling Cat gib me powr to trow owt debils.

21 Wen big strawng kitteh gard de howse, himz cheezburgrs no git stealded.22 But wen bigr strawngr kitteh shoh up an pwnz him, den cheezburgrs git stealded.

23 If u iz not mai kitteh frind u iz mai kitteh enamee, n if u iz not heppin me u iz makin mai stufz hardr. Srsly."

Nottees Coem Bak

24 "When da nottee spiritz n da crazee spiritz leev da kitteh, the nottees be wantin foodz and napz. If da nottees cant find anee outside, da nottees be chekin bak wit da kitteh dey came from.25 But when da nottees chek wit da kitteh, da kitteh alredy thru owt its stufz. Lol!26 Den the nottees goz and findz 7 mor nottees eben notteeer than him, and dey all move in wit de kitteh and makes de kitteh crazee. :( "

Bestest Horrays

27 Jebus wuz tokkin, but a womun yelld anyway, she sed, "hooray for yo mommeez tummeh, and for de boobeez u sukd!: (weerd)

28 But Jebus he sed, "hooray instd for kittehs dat lissun to ceiling cat!"

Bad Litr Luks For Sines

29 Den it startd getting more crowdd, and he sed, "this litter be a bad wun. Lookin for de sines all de time. It not be gettin wun, unless u cownt de Jonah sine.30 Cuz jonah he wuz a sine to de ninuvah kittehs, just lik i be to dis litter.31 Da kween frum oveh der will come and scold de kittehs of dis litter. She thot she wud be heerin solomon tok, but turnz owt iz better!!!1!32 De ninuvah kittehs scold de kittehs of dis litter 2. they lernd theyr lessun from Jonah and will getz pai.

Lite Ov Bodee

33 When u kittehs catch a mowsy, u putz it wher it will be foundz, lik in humanz shoo, so evry1 can see.34 It iz gud 2 b seein pretteh, gud thingz. Gud thingz make kittehs lite up. It iz bad 2 b seein dark n nastee thingz. Makes kitteh dark n grumpee. Srsly.35 So be a gud kitteh. Lite kitteh, not darkz.36 Cuz if a kitteh iz all gud it will lite up. Prty!"

Jebus Pwns Farisees an Lawyr D00dz

37 Sum farisee inturuptd Jebus agin and axd him oveh 4 d kibbulz.38 De farisee wundrd y Jebus not kleen hiz whiskrz b4 eatin.

39 Jebus sed, "u farisees be silleh kittehs. srsly. Y u kleen outzide but r all stinkee inzide?40 Stoopid kittehs. Ceiling cat made ur outzide and inzide 2.41 If u b gud n kleen in ur inzidez, u b gud n kleen all over. Rly!42 But i be scoldin u, farisee! Ur 2 stinjee wid ur kibbulz and never givez cuddlez. Bad kittehs. Srsly.43 Scold u agin, fariseez! U alwayz be takin de top purch on da kitteh condo. Never b sharin wid de other kittehs.44 U b like a coffd up hayrball dat udderz step in and go ick."

45 Den da lawyer kittehz start gettin uffendd. "Jebus, u hurtz owr feelingz!" dey sed.

46 Jebus sed 2 dem, "Ur bad kittehs 2! Srsly! U make udder kittehz problums worse, not bettrs.47 Scold u, kittehz. Ur daddeez wer meen 2.48 N u b taken afteh bad daddeez instd of gud ceiling cat dadee."

49 Ceiling cat sed, n he wuz rite, ‘I will send dem the smrt kittehs, but de bad kittehs will prbly b meen to dem.'50 Dis litter of kittehs mite have to kleen up deh bad daddeez messez. Meen kittehz r meen. Srsly.51 Yep. I tink so.52 Bad lawyur kittehz 4 keepin udder kittehz down."

53 Jebus tride to leev deh meen kittehz, but they wud not leev him alone.54 Deh wuz alwayz watchin him, hopin he fall sleep so dey can b pownzin.

Luke 11
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