From LOLCat Bible Translation Project
Rewards 4 Teh Obedience
1 "Do Not Want idols oar images oar sacred stones. Do Not Want carved stones 2 bow down 2.2 Observe ma sabbaths and has reverence 4 my sanctuary.3 If u follows ma decrees and r carefuls to obey ma commands4 Iz sends u rain in teh season, and teh grounds will yield teh crops, and teh trees of teh field teh fruit.5 Ur threshing will continu til grape harvest and teh grape harvest will continu til plantin' and u will overeat and b fat, and b safe in teh land.6 I iz gonna grant peace in teh land, and u will ly down and no 1 will make u afraids. I iz gonna remove teh savage beasts from teh land, and teh lightsabers will not pass thru ur country.7 U will pursue ur enemies, and they is gonna get PWNED by teh lightsaber b4 u.8 5 of u will chase 100, and 100 if u will chase 10,000 and ur enemies will get PWNED by teh lightsaber b4 u.9 I iz gonna look on u with favor, and make u full of teh fruit loopz, and increaze ur numbas, and I iz always gonna keep ma covenant wit u.10 U will still b eating last yerz harvest when u has to move it out to make room 4 teh new.11 I will puts my dwelling place among u, and I will not abhor u.12 I will walk among u and u are gonna be ma peeples.13 Iz Ceiling Cat, hoo broat u out of teh Egypt, so u would no longer be teh slaves 2 teh Egyptians; I broke teh bars of ur yoke (not liek egg) and enabled u to be walkin' wit ur heads held high.
Punishments 4 Teh Disobedience
14 Buts, if u will not listen 2 me and carry out all o these commands,15 and if u reject ma decrees and abhor ma laws and fail 2 carry out all ma commands and so violate ma covenant16 then I iz gonna do dis 2 u: I iz gonna bring upon u sudden terror, wastin' diseases, and fever that will destroy ur sight and drain away ur life.17 I iz gonna set ma face against u so u is gonna get PWNED by ur enemies. Those hoo hate u r gonna rule over u, and u iz gonna flee even when no1 is pursuin' u.18 If after all dis u will not listen 2 me, I iz gonna punish u 4 ur sins 7 times over.19 I will break down ur stubborn pride and make teh sky above u like iron and teh ground beneath u like bronz.20 Ur strength is gonna be wasted cuz ur soil wont make crops and ur trees of teh land wont make teh fruit loopz.21 If u remain hostile towards me and refuse to listen to me, I iz gonna multiply ur afflictions 7 times over, as ur sins deserve.22 I will send teh wild animals against u, and day will rob u of ur kitties, PWN ur cows, and make u so few in numba dat teh roads r deserted.23 If in spite of these things u do not accept ur correction, buts continu 2 be hostile 2 me,24 I myself will be hostile towards u, and will afflict u4 ur sins 7 times over.25 And I iz gonna bring teh lightsaber upon u to avenge teh breaking of teh covenant. When u withdraw into teh cities, I iz gonna send teh plague on u and ur enemies r gonna overtakes u.26 I iz gonna cut off ur supply of teh breads. 10 girlz r gonna be able to bake all ur breads 4 u in 1 oven. U will overeat, and still not be satisfied.27 If in spite of dis u still do not listen 2 me buts continu to b hostile toward me,28 then in ma angar I myself will be hostile towards u, and I myself will punish u 4 ur sins 7 times over.29 U will eatz ur own kitties.30 I iz gonna PWN ur high places, PWN ur incents altars, and throw PWNED dead bodies on ur idols. I iz gonna abhor u.31 I iz gonna turn ur cities into ruins and lay waste 2 ur sanctuaries and I iz gonna take no delight in teh smelly offerin's.32 I iz gonna lay waste teh land, so ur enemies hoo live there r gonna be appalled.33 I iz gonna scattar u across teh nations and ignite ma lightsaber and pursue u. Ur land iz gonna be laid waste, and ur cities iz gonna be ruins.34 Then teh land will enjoy its sabbath yerz all teh time u are in teh land of ur enemies, teh land iz gonna rest and enjoy teh sabbaths.35 All teh time it lies desolate, teh land will have teh rest it did not have during teh sabbaths u lived in it.36 As 4 those of u hoos r left, I will make use so fearful that u iz gonna run from teh sound of a leaf in teh wind. U iz gonna run as if Darth Maul were comin' to get u, but no 1 will b comin 4 u.37 U iz gonna run as if fleeing from teh lightsaber, but no 1 is gonna be comin' to get u. So us iz gonna stumble and fall, and u wont b able to stand b4 ur enemies.38 U iz gonna perish among teh nations. Teh land of ur enemies iz gonna devour u.39 Those of u hoo are left r gonna waste away cuz of ur sins and teh sins of ur daddy.40 Buts if they confess there sins and teh sins of they're daddy - there treachery against me and they're hostility toward me41 which made me hostile toward them so dat I sent them into teh land of they're enemes - then when there uncircumcized hearts b humbled and they pay 4 there sin,42 I iz gonna remember ma covenent wit Jacob Cat and my covenent wit Isaac Cat, and my covenent wit Abraham Cat, and I iz gonna remember teh land43 4 teh land iz gonna b deserted bye them and iz gonna enjoy teh sabbaths while it lys desolate without them. They iz gonna pay 4 there sins cuz they rejected ma laws and abhorred ma decrees.44 Yet in spite of dis, when they r in teh land of they're enemies, I iz not gonna reject them or abhor them so as 2 PWN them completely, cuz dat would be breakin' ma covenent.45 4 there sake I iz gonna remember teh covenent with they're ancestors hoo I brought out of teh Egypt in teh site of teh nations."46 These b teh decreez, teh laws, and teh regulationz that Ceiling Cat establized on teh mowntin betweenz himself and teh Israelites thru Moses Cat.
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