From LOLCat Bible Translation Project
to b King, Abimelech WANT!
1 Abimelech was teh son uv soem dood Jerubbaal. 1 day he wuz liek, "kthxbai!" An he goez to Shechem to see hiz Momz peepz. He haz cheezburgrz wit tehm and he iz all liek,2 "Doodz! Tellz de peepz heer dat I am l33t! Tell dem dat I iz bettor dan deez guyz. Srsly."3 An hiz momz peepz wur all liek, "doodz, Abimelech iz our homeez." An teh peepz in Shechem wur liek, "k."4 An teh peepz gaev him all der lewt, so he can haz noobz an pozerz follo himz. [a]5 An tehn he goez to hiz dad who livz wit Oprahz an cappz hiz peepz tehre on sum big rok. But teh littul Jotham wuz liek, OMG an hidez cuz he iz scaird, LOL!6 So all teh peepz of Shechem sayed, "dood u iz so l33t! U iz our leedr kthx!"7 Tehn littul Jotham iz sad. He iz all qq liek a noob an sez, "doodz, peep dis, Ceiling Cat iz watchin u. K? Srsly. Lissen heer is a storie 4 u k?"
8 One day teh treez wur liek, "OMG we can has speich! We needz a leedr." Treez can talk! Srsly! Tehy findz a tree wit Olives and r liek, "dood. Bee r leedr, kthx."
9 An tehn de Olive tree iz liek, "No wai! I iz happi heer an haz lotz of cheezburgrz. Kthxbai!"
10 So teh treez wur liek, "OMG hax!" Tehn dey findz a treez wit figz an sez, "Bee r leedr, kthx."
11 Teh figz tree sayed, "No wai! I haz to stae heer wit my bukkit! LOL!"
12 So teh treez qqed liek noobz. But tehn dey findz a vien wit grapse an sez, "Bee r leedr, kthx."
13 But teh vien iz liek, "No wai! I haz pepsi heer."
14 So teh treez qq moar an runz aweh. Tehn dey tripz on a bush an sayed "OW! O Hai! U can bee r leedr, k?"
15 Den teh bush iz liek, "Srsly? If yoo wantz me 4 a leedr den cum paly ecksbocks wit me. If not den I berns all teh treez of Lebinnon k?"
16 "nao if u has actd honorably an in gud faith when u made abimelech king, an if u has been fair 2 jerub-baal an his pplz, an if u has treatd him as he deservez-17 An 2 finkz dat mah fathr fought 4 u, riskd his life 2 rescue u frum teh hand ov midian18 (but todai u has revoltd against mah fathers pplz, murderd his seventy sons on single stone, an made abimelech, teh son ov his slave gurl, king ovar teh citizens ov shechem cuz he iz ur brothr)-19 If den u has actd honorably an in gud faith toward jerub-baal an his pplz todai, cud abimelech be ur joy, an cud u be his, 2!20 Butt if u has not, let fire come out frum abimelech an consume u, citizens ov shechem an beth millo, an let fire come out frum u, citizens ov shechem an beth millo, an consume abimelech!"21 Den jotham fld, escapin 2 ber, an he livd thar cuz he wuz afraid ov his brothr abimelech.
Abimelech PWNZ schechem
22 Aftr abimelech had governd israel 3 yeers,23 Ceilin cat sent an evil spirit tween abimelech an teh citizens ov shechem, hoo actd treacherously against abimelech.24 Ceilin cat did dis in ordr dat teh crime against jerub-baals seventy sons, teh sheddin ov their blood, mite be avengd on their brothr abimelech an on teh citizens ov shechem, hoo had helpd him murdr his brothers.25 In opposishun 2 him thees citizens ov shechem set doodz on teh hilltops 2 ambush an rob evryone hoo pasd by, an dis wuz reportd 2 abimelech.26 Nao gaal son ov ebd movd wif his brothers into shechem, an itz citizens put their confidence in him.27 Aftr they had gone out into teh fieldz an gatherd teh grapez an trodden them, they held festival in da temple ov their ceilin cat. While they wuz eatin an drinkin, they cursd abimelech.28 Den gaal son ov ebd sed, "hoo iz abimelech, an hoo iz shechem, dat we shud be subject 2 him? Isnt he jerub-baals son, an isnt zebul his deputy? Serve teh doodz ov hamor, shechems fathr! Y shud we serve abimelech?29 If only dis peeps wuz undr mah command! Den i wud git rid ov him. I wud say 2 abimelech, call out ur whole army! " [b]30 When zebul teh governor ov teh city herd wut gaal son ov ebd sed, he wuz vry angry.31 Undr covr he sent mesengers 2 abimelech, sayin, "gaal son ov ebd an his brothers has come 2 shechem an r stirrin up teh city against u.32 Nao den, durin teh nite u an ur doodz shud come an lie in wait in da fieldz.33 In da mornin at sunrize, advance against teh city. When gaal an his doodz come out against u, do whatevr ur hand findz 2 do."34 So abimelech an all his troops set out by nite an took up conceald posishuns near shechem in 4 companiez.35 Nao gaal son ov ebd had gone out an wuz standin at teh entrance 2 teh city gate jus as abimelech an his soldiers came out frum their hidin place.36 When gaal saw them, he sed 2 zebul, "look, peeps r comin down frum teh tops ov teh mountains!" Zebul replid, "u mistaek teh shadows ov teh mountains 4 doodz."37 But gaal spoke up again: "look, peeps r comin down frum teh sentr ov teh land, an company iz comin frum teh direcshun ov teh soothsayers tree."38 Den zebul sed 2 him, "wer iz ur hooj talk nao, u hoo sed, hoo iz abimelech dat we shud be subject 2 him? Arent thees teh doodz u ridiculd? Go out an fight them!"39 So gaal led out [c] teh citizens ov shechem an fought abimelech.40 Abimelech chasd him, an lotz da fell woundd in da flightâ€”all teh wai 2 teh entrance 2 teh gate.41 Abimelech stayd in arumah, an zebul droov gaal an his brothers out ov shechem.42 Teh next dai teh peeps ov shechem went out 2 teh fieldz, an dis wuz reportd 2 abimelech.43 So he took his doodz, dividd them into 3 companiez an set an ambush in da fieldz. When he saw teh peeps comin out ov teh city, he rose 2 attack them.44 Abimelech an teh companiez wif him rushd fwd 2 posishun at teh entrance 2 teh city gate. Den 2 companiez rushd upon dose in da fieldz an struck them down.45 All dat dai abimelech presd his attack against teh city til he had capturd it an killd itz peeps. Den he destroyd teh city an scatterd salt ovar it.46 On hearin dis, teh citizens in da towr ov shechem went into teh stronghold ov teh temple ov el-berith.47 When abimelech herd dat they had assembld thar,48 he an all his doodz went up mount zalmon. He took an ax an cut off sum branchez, which he liftd 2 his shoulders. He orderd teh doodz wif him, "quick! Do wut u has seen me do!"49 So all teh doodz cut branchez an followd abimelech. They pild them against teh stronghold an set it on fire ovar teh peeps inside. So all teh peeps in da towr ov shechem, bout thousand doodz an women, also did.50 Next abimelech went 2 thebez an besiegd it an capturd it.51 Inside teh city, howevr, wuz strong towr, 2 which all teh people fld. They lockd themselvez in an climbd up on teh towr roof.52 Abimelech went 2 teh towr an stormd it. But as he approachd teh entrance 2 teh towr 2 set it on fire,53 Woman droppd an uppr millstone on his head an crackd his skull.54 Hurriedly he calld 2 his armor-bearr, "draw ur sword an kill me, so dat they cant say, a woman killd him. " so his servant ran him thru, an he did.55 When teh israelitez saw dat abimelech wuz ded, they went home.56 Thus ceilin cat repaid teh wickednes dat abimelech had dun 2 his fathr by murderin his seventy brothers.57 Ceilin cat also made teh doodz ov shechem pai 4 all their wickednes. Teh curse ov jotham son ov jerub-baal came on them.
- a - Judgez 9:4 dat iz, bout 1 3/4 poundz (bout 0.8 kilogram)
- b - Judgez 9:29 septuagint; hebrew him." den he sed 2 abimelech, "call out ur whole army!"
- c - Judgez 9:39 or gaal went out in da sight ov
|← Previous||Next →||← Previous||Next →|
|Joshua||Ruth||Judges 8||Judges 10|