Judges 7

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Old Testament
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Gideon pwnz teh Midianites

1 Earli in moarnin', Gideon n hiz min camfed wair spring o' Harrod wuz. Teh camf of Midian wuz noerth a dem in valli neer hill o' Moreh.2 Ceiling Cat sed "Gideon u haz 2 meny minz! Israel get all big-hedded if yu win liek dis!"3 "Enounze now 2 da pplz dat ne1 who iz scaerd can GTFO." So 22 thouzan lef and 10 thouzan stayed.

4 But den Ceiling Cat sez Gideon stil haz 2 meny minz. He told Gideon, "Take teh min down 2 watr and I will kick sum pplz out, kthx."

5 At watr, Ceiling Cat told Gideon, "seprate doz min dat lap water wif der tungs liek a kitty frum doz who neel down 2 drink."6 three handred min lapped wif der handz 2 der moufs. Teh rest got on der nees to drink.

7 Ceiling Cat told Gideon dat he wud keep teh three handred kitty-minz, and dat evr1 else G2G.8 So Gideon cent rest of Israeliets to der tents and kep three handred, who took ovr stuff dat de tented Israelites lef behind fer dem. Nao de camf o' Midian lae bilow him in da valli.9 In middle of nite, Ceiling Cat sed to Gideon, "Waek up, layzee bum. Go down aginst teh camf, bcuz ima give it ento yur hands.10 Ef yu are afeard 2 atak, go down to der camf wif yur servent Purah11 N pay close tenshun 2 wut dey ar saying. Den yu will b incouragd 2 atak teh camf. So Gideon do az Ceiling Cat sez n taek Purah wif him to outpostz of camf.12 All teh pplz der - Midianitez n Amalekitez, n udder estrn pplz - had settled in valli, thick az locuztz. Dey ran out of parkin spaecez 4 da camelz! lolz

13 Gideon errived jus az a min waz tellin' hiz frend a dreem. He sed, "I dreemt of a round lofe of bread that was reeli meen and nokked ovr mi tent."

14 Hiz frend sed bak, "Diz can onli b den sword of Gideon, son of a guy wif a funneh name, teh Israelite. Ceiling Cat haz given Midianites n hoel camf ento hiz handz.

15 Wen Gideon herd diz dreem n wut it wuz sposed 2 meen, he worsheped Ceiling Cat. He went bak 2 hiz own camf and told evr1, "wake da ehf up, cuz Ceiling Cat haz given teh Midianite camf to us!"16 Dvidin teh minz ento three companiz, he gaev dem all trumpetz n empti jarz wif torchez nside, wich maed dem notso empti nemoar.

17 "Watch me," he sed 2 dem. "Follow mi leed. Wen I get 2 edg of camf do exakly az i do."18 "Wen me n da guyz wif me blow our trumpetz, den yu guyz do it 2 and shout '4 Ceiling Cat n 4 myspace.com/Gideon' lolz i needz moar frendz der."

19 Gideon n hiz minz reeched edg of camf jus after guards changd shifts. Dey blu der trumpetz n broek teh jarz dat were in der hands.20 Dey blu trumpetz n smashd jarz (mebbe dey need angr manigmint?) and holded der torchez in lef hand. Hold trumpetz in riet. Dey shouted 'A sword 4 Ceiling Cat n a 4 myspace.com/Gideon!"21 Wile each min held der spot round teh camf, teh Midianitez runned away. N dey cryd out, too.

22 Wen teh three handred trumpetz sounded, Ceiling Cat cuzed min thru out teh camf 2 turn on each udder wif der swords. Teh army runned away sum moar cuz dey were scurred.23 Israelitez frum a few diffrnt plaecz were called out to go after teh wimpfy Midianitez.24 Gideon cent IMz to pplz in Ephraim saying, "Oh hai. Midianitez comin. Mebbe yu shuld seize watrs o' Jordan ahed of dem?"25 Also, dey capchured 2 Midianite leederz n kild dem. Den dey brought hedz of leederz to Gideon.

Judges 7
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