John 6

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New Testament

1 Afturwurdz, Jesus cross'd teh Sea of Gallilee.

2 lotza kittehs went too cuz dey see's teh mrkls He dun.

3 Jesus went up on teh mountn n sat dwn wit hiz homiez.

4 Teh jooz chzbrgr feist wuz cominz up

5 Jesus saw lotza kittehs comin n sez to Phillip, "We gonna need mor chzbrgrz!"

6 but Jesus sez dis as test cuz he no'd wut waz comin.

7 Phillip sed, "200 daze of chzbrgr makin wudn't be enuff to feed all teh kittehs even a little."

8 One of teh hommiez, Andrew, the brudduh o Simon Peter, sez,

9 "There iz tom-kitteh wit five chzbrgrz n two tuna; but wut good dis do?"

10 Jesus sez, "Tell them to chillz." N all teh kittehs chill'd on teh grassiez.

11 Jesus took teh chzbrgrz, sed thx to ceiling cat, and handed teh chzbrgrz to teh chillin' kittehs, also teh tuna.

12 When teh kittehs were purrin', he ses to His homiez, "Get teh leftover chzbrgrz so nuthin be waisted. kthx."

13 So Jesus' homies got teh leftovers, and fill'd twelve baskets wit leftovers dat came from teh five chzbrgrz dat wuz more din dey cud eatz.

14 When teh kittehs see teh mrkle he dun, they sez, "Dat must b teh Profit hoo come into teh wrld."

15 Jesus knowed teh kittehz wus going to come and takz Him n makz Him king, so He scat.

16 nite came and the hommiez went dwn to teh sea,

17 Teh left in a boat, goed cross teh sea to Capernaum. It wuz dark, n Jesus wuz still gonz.

18 Teh sea wuz dancin n shakin cuz teh wind wuz goin craziez!

19 Teh homiez see'd Jesus walkin on teh water! OMGWTF? Teh homiez wuz skeered!

20 Jesus sez to hiz homiez, "Don't be skeered! srsly!"

21 Teh homies told Jesus to git in teh boat, but teh boat wuz at teh shor alredy.

22 Teh next day, der wuz lotza kittehs still over the sea dat see'd dat there wuz only one boat, but Jesus didn't go wit his homiez in teh boat, only teh homiez wuz gone.

23 Sum boats come from Tiberias ware dey ate teh chzbrgrz wen Jesus sed thx to ceiling cat.

24 Teh kittehz see'd dat Jesus n hiz homiez wuzzint there, dey demselves got into boats n came to Capernaum lookin for Jesus.

25 And when teh kittehz see'd him 'cross teh sea dey sez to Him, "Dude, how'd u do dat?"

26 Jesus sed, "Kittehz! U r not lookin for meh cuz you see'd teh mrklz, but cuz u want teh chzbrgrz!

27 Don't purr for teh chzburgrz, but for teh cookies dat offer mor din 9 livez, dat teh Son of Cat givz to u. Ceiling cat sez Him goodz stuffz."

28 So dey sez to Him, "Wut we kin do dat make ceiling cat purrz?"

29 Jesus sed, "Dis b it, beleev in teh one He sent."

30 So din dey sed, "Wut mrkl u do, dat we cud beleev in u? Wut kin u do?

31 Teh momcatz n tomcatz eated cookiez in teh desert, as teh skrptur sez: 'He givz dem cookiez from teh ceiling.'"

32 So Jesus sed, "Kittehs! dat wuzn't Moses! Dat wuz ceiling cat dat givz u cookiez from teh ceiling!"

33 Teh cookiez from teh ceiling cat r dose dat comez from teh ceiling n gives even more din 9lives to teh kittehs."

34 So dey sed Him, "Dude, givz us deez cookiez! srsly!"

35 Jesus sed, "I iz deez cookiez, dose dat beleevs will neverz b witout chzbrgrz n creamz in ur saucerz.

36 But I toldz u dat even tho u see'd meh, u don't beleev.

37 Everytin dat ceiling cat givz meh I gotz, n I won't reject dose dat comz to me,

38 For Iz comz down from teh Ceiling, not for mah own flavrs, but for ceiling cat's flavrs.

39 N dis iz teh will of ceiling cat hoo sent me, dat I shudn't luze anytin dat he givz meh, but dat I shud raiz it in teh end.

40 For dis is wut teh ceiling cat wantz, that everywun hoo seez teh Son and beleevz in Him getz even more din 9lives, and I will raiz Him in teh end.

41 Teh Joo kittehs hissed at Him cuz He sez, "I iz deez cookiez from teh ceiling."

42 N dey sed "Iz dis not Jesus, teh son of Joseph? I no hiz momcat and tomcat! Din how he sez, 'I comz from teh ceiling?'"

43 Jesus sed, "Stop hissing at meh!

44 No wun kin comz to meh lest teh Father hoo sint meh sez so, n I b raizin him in teh end.

45 It b dare in teh profits: 'Ceiling cat wud teech dem' dose dat hear ceiling cat n lurnz from Him comz to meh.

46 Kittehs can't seez ceiling cat, tho. Only teh one who is from teh ceiling can seez ceiling cat.

47 Kittehs! dose dat beleevs haz even more din 9lives!

48 I am teh cookiez dat offer even more din 9lives.

49 Momcatz n Tomcatz eatz chzbrgrz in teh desert n died.

50 Dis is teh cookiez from teh ceiling so dat kittehs cud eat it and haz even more din 9lives.

51 I iz teh cookiez from teh ceiling; dose dat eat dis cooki haz even more din 9lives. N teh cookiez I givz iz mai flesh for teh litez of teh wrld.

52 Teh jooz hissed at eech other n sed, "How kin dis kitteh givz us hiz flesh to eatz?!? WTF?"

53 Jesus sed to dem, "Kittehs! Dis is wut u needz to do! U must eatz my flesh n drinkz mai bloodz or u haz less din 9lives, you haz no lives!

54 Dose dat eat mai flesh n drinkz mai bloodz haz even mor din 9lives, n I wud raiz him in teh end.

55 Mai flesh iz true cookiez n mai bloodz iz true cream.

56 Dose dat eat mai flesh n drinkz mai bloodz staiz wit meh n meh wit him.

57 Just as teh Ceiling Cat sint meh n I haz lifz becuz of ceiling cat, so duz dose hoo feedz on meh wud haz lifz becuz of meh.

58 Dis is teh cookiez dat comz down from teh ceiling. Not like momcat and tomcat hoo eatz n dize, dose hoo eatz dis cooki livz forever.

59 Dis was all sed at teh synagogue at Capernaum.

60 Teh homiez wuz dare and sed, "WTF? Dis iz diffrnt! Hoo kin hang?"

61 Jesus noo his homiez wuz hissing 'bout dis. He sez, "Homiez! Dis ain't new!

62 Wut if u see'd teh Son of Catz rize up to teh ceiling?

63 It iz teh ghostcat givz lifz, teh flesh don't mattrz! Teh wrds I sed iz sprit n lifz.

64 But der r kittehz dat don't beleev." Jesus noo dat the kittiez dat didn't beleev wud betryz him.

65 He sez, "Dis b wy I sez nun kin comz to me lest ceiling cat sez so."

66 Lotza kittehs scatz n didn't comz bak.

67 Jesus sed to hiz homiez, "Do u wantz to scatz?"

68 Simon Peter sed to Him, "Dude, wherz we go? U iz teh cookiez of lifz.

69 We beleevz u iz teh wun Ceiling cat sez is goodz stuffz. srsly."

70 Jesus sez, "Did I not chooz u twelve? Iz not wun of u a devilz?"

71 Jesus wuz talkinz 'bout Judas, teh wun hoo beetrayz him, wun of teh twelve.

John 6
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