John 3

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New Testament
Jesus Lernz Nicodemus

1 Naow dis guy Nicodemus iz a Pharisee and leeds teh Jews.2 He comez to teh Jesus in teh nites and he sez "We knoes u comez frum teh Ceiling Cat and we knoes u pwn."

3 An Jesus sed, "Ceiling Cat has invisible haus, u gots 2 borned agen 2 see it."

4 Nicodemus sez, "wtf d00d? How doez dat werk?"

5 Jesus sez, "is da truth, u hafta be born agen wif waterz an spiritz an stuffs.6 Flesh givez birf 2 flesh, but teh spirit gives birf to spirit, k?7 Y r u so konfoozled?8 Is lyke wind, it doz its own stuffs an u dunno how it werks, but is all ok, amirite? Is like that!"

9 Nicodemus sez, "I doez not get it." :(

10 "Den ur not gud teecher," sed Jesus. Burn!11 "Ok, iz da twoof. We says sum stuff dat we sawed, and teh peeplez is still konfoozled.12 I ben talkin bout teh stuffs on urf and ur still lyke, 'whut?' so whut bout Ceiling an stuffs?13 I iz da only wan whos gone to Heaven so u haves 2 trusts me, mkay?14 I gots 2 b lifteded up lyke Moses an his snakedy thingy,15 coz if u beleeves ur not gon be ded! Eternal lifes, u can has it!

16 So liek teh Ceiling Cat lieks teh ppl lots and he sez 'Oh hai I givez u my only son and ifs u beleevs in him u wont evr diez no moar, k?'17 Cuz teh Ceiling Cat not snd hiz son 2 take all yur cookies, but so u cud maek moar cookies 4EVAR!18 U beleevz him u getz cheezburgrs, but els you get invisibul error.19 Lytes ar on now heer, but catzes no caer cuz they can see wit no lyte anyway.20 Invisibul error no liek lyte, him no liek be seed.21 Good kitteh no skeered of lyte, cuz himz not messin up."

John teh Washerer Sez Abowt Jebuz

22 Jebuz an doodz goed to Judean place, an he washded ppls again WTF??!!!.23 John wuz washding ppls too. Lotz of wet furz oh noes!24 (All afore John gotz pwned.)25 An tehy had some big fite about washding.26 An tehy tole John, "Oh hai, soem otehr dood iz washing ppls."

27 John sez, "LOL! you only can haz cheezburgerz from teh Ceiling.28 You noes I was liek, 'Hey, Ai not teh pwnzor.'29 Some1 els iz bosscat.30 Him wil pwn, ai iz just n00b LOL.

31 "The Ceiling Cat pwnz all; Us iz n00bz, can tell from how us talk ROFL. Did ai alreddy sez Ceiling Cat pwnz?32 Him watches you masturbate.33 U no Ceiling Cat is reelz.34 Cuz Ceiling Catz kitteh sez troof, cuz him can haz Invisibul Cat.35 Ceiling Cat lubs kitteh and lets him play wit shinies.36 Beleev in kitteh and no get eated, or get pwned in teh face, n00b."

John 3
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