Jeremiah 10

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Old Testament
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CEILING CAT AND AMERICAN IDLES

2 Heerz wat the Ceiling Cat sez to yu! This is wat the Ceiling Cat sez:
 "Do not lern teh waiz of teh idle nashuns. Dey be ebil waiz!!
 oar be skeerd of teh syns in teh skyz
 Teh Seacrerst no can hurtz u. Deyz skerrd cuz ther st00pid n00bs.

3 Awl thees bad singerz iz worfless. Deys doin it wrong.
 dey cut down gud moosik, and dey maeks us wacth Sanjaya. MY EEYS!!
 and teh Cowwel and teh Jacksun and teh Abdool will put reetards on teebee.

4 Den dey mayks it perdy wif disco balls and flashie lites.
 and dey puts it on teh teebee soz we can suffr. Curse you, villians!

5 But deez idles ar lik floppy toyz;
 dey looks arownd for inveisible talent and no cans find anee..
 and dey tries to danse and be awl secksay. Don look, its a trap!
 But I sez: No be skeerd of dem, dey no hert yooz, cuz dey ar not reel! Srsly!"

6 No won is like yu, O Ceiling Cat!
 yu're GREEEEEAT! and yur naym is mitee with p0werz!

7 Who shuld wership yu, Ceiling Cat?
 Oh grate king of teh nashuns, yu deserv all teh bukkits
 Amung all teh smarty art kittehs of teh nashuns and all teh catdoms!
 Der is no won like teh Ceiling Cat!! Jazzhands!

8 Dey iz stoopid n00bs! And dey get edumacated by dum idles that no can talk or lern! Srsly, st00pid!

9 Teh disco balls is braut frum Nu York, and teh flashie lites frum Vegus.
 Oh, shuuuur, dey make dem perdy and dress dem like dollys in blu and purpl. PPTTHH!! Whateber!

10 Ceiling Cat is teh most gloreeus and tru Gawd! Srsly!
 He is teh lyve and foarevr Ceiling Cat! He'z gots teh mad skillz of creashun!
 Wen he'z angreez teh Urfs tremmbels and teh nashuns no can enduur his raff.

11 Youz tell dem dis, ready? Cuz i gonna say sum gud stuffs!
 "Dees n00by idles hoo did nots maek teh ceiling and teh Urfs
 will GTFO frum on teh Urfs and undr teh ceiling
 and dey will crai, "Blargh i'm ded!"

12 But gloreeus Ceiling Cat maeded teh urf by hiz p0wrs;
 he C.E.O'd teh wurld by hiz wizdum
 and maeded teh ceiling by hiz impressiv brain p0wrs!ya, rly!

13 Wen He miaows teh waterz in teh ceilings roooooar!
  he maekses teh puffeez rize up frum teh endz of teh urfs,
He sendz teh flashies wen teh waterz com frum teh ceiling/
 and senz out teh breezies frum hims nawstilz.

14 Evrywon iz st00pids and has no knowlij;
 all tehm dat maek can openrs is for shamed cuz of his idles!
 His floppy dollz ar frawdz! Srsly,
 teh no haz brefs in dem! dey is toetlly ded, no lifes, nothin!

15 Dohs st00pid dollz ar worfless! I show yu teh worfless dollz; teh dollz, I sho yu dem.
 wen teh jujmint coms, dey will al dyes!

16 Teh Gawd hoo is teh porshun of Jakobs is not lik taht
 Cuz he is teh creeater of all teh tings in teh urfs!
 O, inklooding Izreel, deys his speshul peeplz, ya kno.
 and Ceiling Cat iz teh naym of teh almitee! FTW!!

So sayith teh Ceiling Cat. A-miaow.


UH-OH, PWNAGE IMMINENT!


17 Quik! Get ur stuffs, cuz we gonna GTFO! Srsly, we'z gotsta go peepl!

18 Lissen up, cuz dis is wat teh Ceiling Cat sez:
 "Nao, I will fling awl teh peeplz hoo lyv in dis land onto der buttsez.
 and I will bring on dem sahwoes and big pwnage wif mah lazor eyes and mad destrkshun skillz."
19 I suks bcuz ov mah injerees! I no can has releef from mai payns. WAI?? O WAI DOES I SUFFERS?"
  but I sez to myselph, I sez, selph, "I desurv all dis badness and i must ender it."

20 Mai bases is pwnded, awl teh legos ar nockded ovr.
My boy-type bebehs hav awl left home and has fergotted me! Dohs ungratefull leetl brats!
And no won heer can halps me wif mai base. I crai cuz i am homless!

21 Teh herderz ar st00pids and don even axe about teh Ceiling Cat, so tehy nevr has bukkits.
 Ears up kittehs! Heer coms Breaking News, tonite's speshul repoart:
 "A rukus goin on up norf. Awl teh bases in Joodah ar pwnd! No won livs der nemoar.
 Ha-ha-kittehs hav moovd in. Heers won nao. Ha-ha-kitteh, wat u wanna says? "Le-ha ha."
 dats it peepl, noos report ovr. Ha-ha-kittehs hav taykn ovr Joodah. Moar at eleben."


JERDEMAYA PRAIZE:


23 "I kno, O Ceiling Cat, taht my lifs iz not mines!
 U direct mai paw steps, notz mee.

24 If'n I maek mistayk, yu tell me, "Bad kitteh! Ima get yu!"
 but not cuz youz angree, or youd pwn me Srsly!

25 Pours out yer raff lyk koolaid on teh st00pid n00by nashuns hoo does not knos you!
 Dohs kittehs hoo no call out yur gloreeus naym!
Foar dey hav pwnd teh land ov Jakobs;
 tehy hav nomd it lik a cheezberger cuz it haz a flavr lik salvashun."


So saith Jerdemaya, A-miaow.

Jeremiah 10
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