Isaiah 1

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Old Testament
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1 Tis be about a fantesi what a kitteh whats kawled Isaiah sawded, wen dere woz sum royel kittehs tellin uzza kittehs wat to do, n stuff.

Norti kittehs in teh haus

2 Lissen to me, Ceiling, an urth too, coz ceiling cat wantz to tel evrywun sumthin: "OH HAI guise! Lissen, me wantz youse orl to no that me had sum litel kittehkats, EVEN WIT NO PENIS GOES WHERE?, yessss. But wot ceiling cat reeli wantz to tel u iz that teh norty kittehs has dun toiletz al ova mai kittehlitta, even doe i telz tem to get dere own. I iz not happi bout it.

3 "Teh kittehs necks door do wot dey iz told an don leav muk in uzza kitteh's littatrais, so don do it in here. zomg, how many taims duz ceiling cat hav to tel u?"

4 Soz al teh kittehs woz bein norti, teechin uzza kittehs to maik invisible errors, steeling uzza kitteh's cheezburgrz an hordin al teh mouses. Dey even maid ceiling cat waik up in da nait by hazzing faitz bout wich kitteh's cheezburgrz haz betta picklz.

5 But wai doesz al teh kittehs keep baitin eetch uzza? Yu kittehs are styupid.6 Dere iz kitteh blud on teh flor and on da kitteh flap, and ceiling cat sez he iz not draivin u to teh kitteh fixa man wen u be baitin each uzza's pawz off. He also sez it ruinz da esthetikz ov da haus bai rekkin hiz paint skeem.

7 In fakt, u kittez haz bin bizi faitin an haz not noetist dat teh puppiz r steelin ur cheezburgr. Puppiz woz even herd sayin dat hez in ur haus, eatin ur cheezburgrz! Wtf? Dis iz not rite! Puppiz iz not aloudz to sai dat; onli kittehs iz!8 But neva mindz bout puppiz.

9 ZOMG. Stfu u kittehs, u iz awl bein liek Basement Cat, an dat iz not a lolling matta.10 Ffs, dis iz teh last taim ceiling cat iz gonna tel u:

11 "ZOMG GUISE, AI HAZ ENUF OV U KITTEHS! Tank u so much 4 kepin al teh mousez for me but ai kant eats dem al dat fast! Iz not lol ennimor! We iz waistin teh mousez! U iz can haz bein killin al teh mousez an i iz sik ov it!

12 "Eniwai, hu tolded u to get al teh mousez and be rekkin mai haus? Not ai. Ceiling cat don be tellin nowun to be makin teh mes u kittehs haz maid.

13 "So nau ceiling cat be tellin u to stop gettin al teh mousez,14 an u not be aloud to haz al nait partees enimor coz ceiling cat iz gettin jak ov it. Teh muzak iz too laud an teh nayborz don liek r0x0rz muzak eniwai. If u guise haz anuzza partee den ceiling cat wil be shautin 'oh hai everywun, i iz in ur partay and i iz shuttin it daun.'

15 "An i noes dat u iz gunna cumplain bout it, but ceiling cat iz gunna sai 'tork to mai por' and waiv hiz por arund soz that he kant here u kittehs cumplainin. It iz al ur foltz for not ternin daun teh muzak, an i iz punishin u al.

16 "Soz befor ceiling cat kikz ur kittehbutts outta teh haus, kleen it up alredi. Stop be trashin mai haus. uzzawize no mor cheezburgrz, EVA."

17 "Ceiling Cat sayz lerns teh gud; Find justices, k? Tell teh opprezzed dey can has cheezburgrz. Care 4 teh littel orphan bebes. N cry fur teh widowz."

18 At tis point, ceiling kat iz eetin a cheezburgr NOM NOM NOM to remaind teh kittehs hu da boss.

19 Ceiling cat sez: "I haz idea. If u kittehz do wat i sai den ai iz gonna let u haz free cheezburgrz for, ai dunno, maibe a weik? BUT ONLI IF U GOOD AN NO NOMNOMNOMIN EACH UZZA K?

20 "But let ceiling cat worn u: if ai faind so much az WUN, i tel u, WUN, ded maus in teh cubbord, an i haz not tolded u to maik it ded, or if u be hazzin parteez in teh smorl ouwaz wen ceiling cat are tryin to get sum sleip, den i be yuuzin mai milk kanon from teh ceiling to kick al u kittehz autsaid wair thair be lionz. Even wen i here u skreechin 'JEZUZ KRAIST ITZ A LION GET IN TEH HAUS' an u kant get in teh haus coz ceiling kat haz lokked teh kittehflap, no that ai IZ NOT LETTIN U BAK IN! kthxbye."

21 But in teh meentaim teh kittehz are stil bein norti.22 Teh milk haz gone off, it are poizuned wiz raibies frum ded mausez,23 and dere be smugglin ov kontraband kittehfood.

24 So ceiling cat sez: "ok, stfu everywun, aiz reeli haz enuf dis taim.25 Nau u haz rokked teh boat an ai iz gettin out teh milk kanon.26 U haz krost teh lain an nau u iz gonna kop it.

27 "Sum ov u iz not to blaim an that iz all good,28 but everywun els iz a ded kat!1!!one

29 "Dis are hau it worx: i iz in ur ceiling, aimin teh milk canon.

30 "U iz gonna be blasted frum here to ova dere an i don kair if u be chokin on exses milk. If u die dat iz ur fault.31 U iz den gonna lie in teh korner al soggi an manki, an i iz den gonna let in teh lionz. If u don leik, 2 bad. kthxbye."

Isaiah 1
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