From LOLCat Bible Translation Project
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Hosea 9 Puneshmentz for teh Isreal Kittehs
1=Noes cutez mewin, noes cheezburger for teh Isreal kittehs. No happiez, no cuddles like all teh uvver urfs kittehs. Yew have been nawty to teh Ceiling Cat. Yews kittehs hav luvd to pays four the cuddlies, yews payz for teh cheezburgers, yews get nawty pettins on teh urfs.
2=Teh urfs rokks and teh winemakerz wownt help teh kittehs. If teh kittehs maik moor winez, it wonts helps teh kittehs, it will failz, oh noes.
3=Teh kittehs is nawt pleazed Ceiling Cat, Ceiling Cat wantz dem off hes urfs and out of hes kibbles. Bald Kitteh Ephraim gotsta go backs awaiy to Eegipt ahnd nibblez teh durty kibblez in Assyria.
4=Dont fink winez will maek teh Ceiling Cat purr, becuz no. It wuld bee liek givven Him derty old cheezburger. Makse Him pewk. Teh Israil Kittehs eat dem, ew.
5=Wot will teh nawty kittehs do on teh Ceiling Cats speshul daze?
6 Even if they escape from destruction, Egypt will gather them, and Memphis will bury them. Their treasures of silver will be taken over by briers, and thorns will overrun their tents.
7 The days of punishment are coming, the days of reckoning are at hand. Let Israel know this. Because your sins are so many and your hostility so great, the prophet is considered a fool, the inspired man a maniac.
8 The prophet, along with my God, is the watchman over Ephraim, [b] yet snares await him on all his paths, and hostility in the house of his God.
9 They have sunk deep into corruption, as in the days of Gibeah. God will remember their wickedness and punish them for their sins.
10 "When I found Israel, it was like finding grapes in the desert; when I saw your fathers, it was like seeing the early fruit on the fig tree. But when they came to Baal Peor, they consecrated themselves to that shameful idol and became as vile as the thing they loved.
11 Ephraim's glory will fly away like a bird— no birth, no pregnancy, no conception.
12 Even if they rear children, I will bereave them of every one. Woe to them when I turn away from them!
13 I have seen Ephraim, like Tyre, planted in a pleasant place. But Ephraim will bring out their children to the slayer."
14 Give them, O LORD— what will you give them? Give them wombs that miscarry and breasts that are dry.
15 "Because of all their wickedness in Gilgal, I hated them there. Because of their sinful deeds, I will drive them out of my house. I will no longer love them; all their leaders are rebellious.
16 Ephraim is blighted, their root is withered, they yield no fruit. Even if they bear children, I will slay their cherished offspring."
17 My God will reject them because they have not obeyed him; they will be wanderers among the nations.