Hosea 5

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Old Testament
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Hosea 5
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Daniel Joel Hosea 4 Hosea 6

1 Listenz ta me, yu priestz! Payz attenshuns, yu Izraelitez! Hearz this, royal house! This here jugdzmentz is ‘gainst yu! You’z all been a snare at Mizpah, A do not want on Tabor.

2 Teh rebelz is deep in t eh killinz, Ai will punishes allz o’ dem.

3 Ai knowz ALL bouts Ephraim; Izrael can no hidez frum me. Ephraim, yu haz now only do BUTTSECKS (for monies, uv course) Izrael is vry vry bad.

4 Cuz uv teh thingz dey does, Ceiling Cat no wantz dem ‘round. T eh BUTTSECKS iz in their heartz Dey no care 4 Ceiling Cat.

5 Izrael iz snotty n it maeks dem luk REAL BAD Dey tripz over their sinz, Izrael n Ephraim doez. N Judah doez 2.

6 Wen dey taeks thur sheepz n thur more sheepz Ta find Ceiling Cat, Theyz not gonna findz him. Cuz he’s hidin’. Srsly. Iz hidin’.

7 Theyz unfaithful ta Ceiling Cat Dey haz childrenz wiffout bein’ mawwied. N dey haz dese crzy magik festivals Dat will eatz dem. LOL.

8 Soundz teh trumpetz in Gibeah, N in Ramah. N prbly uther places 2. Shoutz in Beth Aven; Leads us, O Benjamin!

9 Ephraim will be exploded On t eh deyz uv reckoning! Ai sez how it iz ta teh peoplez T eh peoplez uv Izrael!

10 Judah’s leaders r liek doze hoo movez stonez, wutvr dat mean. Ai will pourz out mah wrath! Li ek the waterz, cuz teh kittehs r ‘fraid uv wudder.

11 Ephraim gots it bad Theyz stoopid. Theyz worsheppen statchoos.

12 N ai’z a hairball ta Ephraim, N ta Judah 2, lol.

13 N wen Ephraim seez hiz owies, N Judah hiz own boo-boos, Dey sez ta King in Assyria “yoo canz helpz us?” But dis Kingz iz useless. Cannot fix boo-boos.

14 Cuz ai be a LYON to Ephraim, N ai be BIGGER LYON to Judah (cuz dey deserves it) Ai tearz dem up. Ai carries dem awai. N no 1 iz stoppen me.

15 Ai’z will sit on my warm spot, Till dey sez they’s sorri. Dey will seek mah face, But only cuz they iz mizzerable.

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