Genesis 9

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Old Testament

1 Teh Ceiling Cat blezt Noah and hes sunz, and sed to theys: “Haf lawt and fil up dis shiznit.
2 Teh aneemals wil be rly scured of u. I mak dem be pwned by u guyz, lol.
3 If it mvs, it kin be et. Even if it dun't—o hai plants.
4 Jst teh meet, doods. No bloods, kthx
5 Ifs u eets teh bloodz iz no gud; teh aminulz noes can has teh bloodz an teh mans noes can eets teh bloodz. An ifs u pwns teh mans iz no gud--teh Ceiling Cat pwns u.
6 “Ifs you pwns da man,

teh man pwns u, k?
Teh man is liek teh
Ceiling Cat.

7 Yah rly, can has teh and teh baybeez;

Liek, tunnz baybeez, k?

8 Ceiling Cat sez to Noah an his kidz:
9 “Hay looks, u an me r liek teh bests frenz an I lieks ur baybeez too,
10 An' teh aminulz u has: teh burdies, teh caws taht mooes, and teh otehr aminulz, dem gives teh mooves off teh boats, k?
11 U and me r liek teh frenz: I no moar makez teh waterz comez; u noe gets wet no moar, k?”
12 Teh Ceiling Cat sez: “U noes taht u and me are teh frenz and me and teh animulz r teh frenz forevr n evr becuz dis: cuz Ceiling Cat pwns rpeat...
13 Visible Raynbo iz in teh skyz, k? U an me an evrywunz is teh frenz becuz teh raynbo.
14 Ifs u sees teh clowdz, u no kin sez, "Oh Noes! Teh waters comes!" becuz tehres teh raynbo;
15 and I kin sez "OHai luk teh raynbo," becuz u and me and teh aminulz are teh frenz; I no makes teh waterz come.
16 Teh raynbo will be in teh clowds and I rmberz taht u and me and teh aminuls iz stil sum moar teh frenz.”
17 And Ceiling Cat sez to Noah, “Teh raynbo meens u and me are teh frenz, k?”

Noah and his sons

18 So diz d00d Noah has teh 3 sonz on teh boatz. They has sum crazi namez all Shem and Ham and Japheth or summin. Ham wuz Canaan's daddi n nawt teh lunch meats.
19 newaiz frum deez 3 bros, all of teh worldz was ppl-ated
20 So liek Noah groes teh grapez.
21 And Noah iz liek "Oh hai grapez" and he drinkz teh grapez and drinkz teh moar grapez and no moar haz teh cloethz.
22 And Ham, Canaan's daddi and nawt teh lunch meats, sees Noah and sez "Oh hai broes, he haz teh invisible cloethz."
23 But Shem and Japheth tooks sum cloethz n put dem on Noah cuz he wuz drunkz. They clozd ther eyez so they not sawn his peen.
24 So Noah wakez up wif teh hangzover n he noes dat Ham shudda cut him offa teh grapez
25 So liek Noah sez:

“Canaan iz teh stoopid;
He iz a noob
And liek evrywun pwns him.”

26 And he sez:

“Teh Ceiling Cat pwns,
Teh Ceiling Cat taht lieks Shem,
And Shem pwns Canaan.

27 Teh Ceiling Cat lieks Japheth,

He kin be in Shemz tentz,
subjigaeting hiz mans.”

28 So liek Noah becumz ded three hunderd n fifty years after teh waterz goez away
29 So Noah becumz ded whenz he be OMG WTF 950???, wowzors but hez ded

Genesis 9
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