Genesis 9

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Old Testament
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1. Teh Ceiling Cat blezt Noah and hes sunz, and sed to theys: “Haf lawt sex and fil up dis shiznit.

2. Teh aneemals wil be rly scured of u. I mak dem be pwned by u guyz, lol.

3. If it moufs, it kin be et. Even if it dun't—o hai plants.

4. Jst teh meet, doods. No bloods, kaikai?

5. Ifs u eets teh bloodz iz no gud; teh animulz cantz eets teh bloodz an teh mans cantz eets teh bloodz. An ifs u killz teh mans iz no gud--teh Ceiling Cat killz u.

6. “Ifs you killz da man,

Da man kills u, k?
Teh man is liek teh
Ceiling Cat.

7. Yah rly, haves teh sex and teh baybeez;

Liek, tunz baybeez, k?
Evrywhers.”

8. Ceiling Cat sez to Noah an his kidz:

9. “Hay looks, u an me r liek teh bests frenz an I lieks ur baybeez too,

10. An' teh animulz u has: teh burdies, teh caws taht mooes, and teh otehr animulz, dem gives teh mooves off teh boats, k?

11. U and me r liek teh frenz: I no moar makez teh waterz comez; u noe gets wet no moar, k?”

12. Teh Ceiling Cat sez: “U noes taht u and me are teh frenz and me and teh animulz r teh frenz forevr n evr becuz dis:

13. Visible Raynbo iz in teh skyz, k? U an me an evrywunz is teh frenz becuz teh raynbo.

14. Ifs u sees teh clowdz, u no kin sez, "Oh Noes! Teh waters comes!" becuz tehres teh raynbo;

15. and I kin sez "Hay luk teh raynbo," becuz u and me and teh animulz are teh frenz; I no makes teh waterz come.

16. Teh raynbo will be in teh clowds and I remmbers taht u and me and teh animuls are stil sum moar teh frenz.”

17. And Ceiling Cat sez to Noah, “Teh raynbo meens u and me are teh frenz, k?”

Noah and his sons

18. So diz dewd Noah has 3 sonz on teh boatz. They has sum crazi namez all Shem and Ham and Japheth or summin. Ham wuz Canaan's daddi n nawt teh lunch meats.

19. newaiz frum deez 3 bros, all of teh worldz was ppl-ated

20. So liek Noah groes teh grapez.

21. And Noah iz liek "Oh hai grapez" and he drinkz teh grapez and drinkz teh moar grapez and no moar haz teh cloethz.

22. And Ham, Canaan's daddi and nawt teh lunch meats, sees Noah and sez "Oh hai brudders, he haz teh invisible cloethz."

23. But Shem and Japheth tooks sum cloethz n put dem on Noah cuz he wuz drunkz. They clozd ther eyez so they not sawn his peen.

24. So Noah wakez up wif teh hangzover n he noes dat Ham shudda cut him offa teh grapez

25. So liek Noah sez:

“Canaan iz teh stoopid;
He iz a noob
And liek evrywun pwns him.”

26. And he sez:

“Teh Ceiling Cat pwns,
Teh Ceiling Cat taht lieks Shem,
And Shem pwns Canaan.

27. Teh Ceiling Cat lieks Japheth,

He kin be in Shemz tentz,
subjigaeting hiz mans.”

28. And Noah lived after the flood three hundred and fifty years.

29. So all the days of Noah were nine hundred and fifty years; and he died.

Genesis 9
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