Genesis 48

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Old Testament

Joseph pays hiz pops a visit

1 sum tiem latr joseph wuz tolded, "ur fathr iz not feelingz so gud." so he took his 2 sons manaseh an efraim along wif him. An they was mad cuz they wuz in middle of playing pokemonz.2 when jacob wuz tolded, "ur son joseph has come 2 u, cuz he heer yor not feeling so gud" israel stopped watching rerunz of golden girlz an sat up on teh bed.3 jacob sed 2 joseph, "Cieling Cat almighty appeard 2 me at luz in da land ov canaan,srsly, was like one secund i wuz scratchings mah butt and nest things u no cieling cat all like OMG HAI. an thar he blesd me4 an sed 2 me, im goin 2 mak u rly rich d00d an will increase ur cheezburgerz and childrenz. Im gonna mak u mod ov all tha interweb, an im gonna giv dis land as an evrlastin posesshun 2 ur descendants aftr u. srsly. Essept mebe otha peepol will also say iz their posesshun and will be lots of MORTAL KOMBAT and stuffs but otha than thats its your posseshun srsly.

5 "nao den, as I wuz saying, ur 2 sons borned 2 u in da land uf giant kitty litter box before i came 2 u her will be I can haz; efraim an manaseh will be I can haz, jus as reuben (laik the sammich lolz) an simeon r I can haz.6 any childrunz borned 2 u aftr them will be u can haz; in da hood they inherit they will be calleded undr teh namez ov their brothers for sum rzn. not sure y. y not callz them by their real nameses? I guess peepol are lazy.7 anywayz, as i wuz returnin frum paddan (they haz good barz there), 2 mah DO NOT WANT rachel go wai and be ded in da land ov canaan while we wuz still on teh wai, lil distance frum efrath, and rly rly far frum antartica. So i burid her like turd thar beside teh road 2 efrath" (dat iz, bethlehem, also vry vry far from antratica...srlsy).

8 when israel saw teh sons ov joseph, he askded, "o hai! hoo r thees?"9 "they r teh sons Cieling Cat has sed I can haz," joseph sed 2 his fathr. den israel sed, "brin them 2 me so i cud bles them and snorgle themz and giv them munney for using at chucky cheez."10 nao israels eyez wuz not wurkin so good cuz ov old age and cuz he spends lots of taim on intraweb lookings at lolcat pagez, an he cud hardly c. srlsy. So joseph brought his sons close 2 him, an his fathr kisd them an embracd them an snorgled them and then forgoted their names cuz hes rly rly rly old. 11 israel sed 2 joseph, "i nevr expectd 2 c u again except when u need 2 borrow munney or needz to do laundrey, an nao Cieling Cat has allowd me 2 c ur children 2. DO WANT"12 den joseph removd them frum israels lap an bowd down wif his face 2 teh ground fur som rzn.13 an joseph took both ov them, efraim on his rite toward israels left hand an manaseh on his left toward israels rite hand, not evn sur why i tell u this, is as relevant as which hrbllz cieling cat wuz licking at the time, an brought them close 2 him again after takings them away. I guess joseph is indecisive like dat.14 but israel reachd out his rite hand an put it on efraims head, though he wuz teh youngr, an evn tho he had jus used that hand to scratch hrballz, an crosin his arms like macarena, he puted his left hand on manasehs head, even though manaseh wuz teh firstborn and even tho he had lice.

15 den he blesd joseph an sed,"cud teh Cieling Cat before whom mah fathers abraham an isaac walkd, teh Cieling Cat hoo has been mah sugah daddy all mah life 2 dis dai,16 teh hover dOOd hoo has deliverd me frum all harm and kept mai cheezburgers safe —cud he bles thees bois. cud they be calld by mah naym, an teh namez ov mah fathers abraham an isaac, an cud they increase greatly upon teh earth like weedz and sudoko puzzlz."17 when joseph saw his fathr placin his rite hand on efraims head he wuz laik, DO NOT WANT; so he took hold ov his fathers hand 2 moov it frum efraims head 2 manasehs head. Also he changeded the channel on TV cuz he hates Golden girls.18 joseph sed 2 him, "duh! pops, dis wan iz teh firstborn; put ur rite hand on his head. kthx"19 but his fathr was all laik, REQUEST DENIED an sed, "i knoe, mah son, i knoe. I r not dummy head. He 2 will become peeps, an he 2 will become great like man who invented flee collars. but, his youngr brothr will be greatr than he, and always win at pokemonz and get hottest date at promz, an his childrenz will become group ov nashuns and will listen to music he no likez"

20 he blesd them dat dai an sed,"in ur naym will israel pronounce dis blesin: cud Cieling Cat mak u liek efraim an manaseh, and laik cheez on burgerz " so he put efraim ahead ov manaseh, and changed channel bak to golden girls cus he did not want to miss end.21 den israel sed 2 joseph, "o noes! im bout 2 be ded, but Cieling Cat will be wif u an taek u bak 2 teh land ov ur fathers by scruff of yur neck like a cyoot kittehn.22 An cuz u iz bosscat i giv teh ridge ov land i took frum teh amoritez wif mah sword an mah bow (An mai aroz 2 cuz bo wfout arros duznt werkz gud) an mah gat."

Genesis 48
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