From LOLCat Bible Translation Project
Cain an Abel
1 An teh mahn an hiz wyfe wuz PENIS GOES WHERE, An she is has teh kid cain.2 An ugen she iz haz hiz brothr abel. An abel wuz keepr ov teh moocows, but cain wuz farmr and growed much froots and catnips.3 An after awhile cain brought sum ov teh froots ov teh ground for an offerin unto Ceiling Cat, cuz he just got off Atkins.4 An abel, he also brought teh first meets ov his moo cows (An ov teh fat of em cuz teh moo cows are on Atkins.) An he made teh 1st cheezburger An gaev it to teh Ceiling Cat.5 But cain to his offerin he had no liekd. An Ceiling Cat sed, do not want. cuz u didnt makez cookies out ov it, An besiedz u didnt bringz me any catnipz. An cain wuz mad, An got all liek sad and stuff.
6 An Ceiling Cat said unto cain, HAY! Wuts wit da tood? An y iz u all liek sad an stuff?7 If u do gud, isn't it gunna go up? An if u doest not well, sin croucheth at teh door: it wants to has you, but you hafta maik it go away.
8 An cain told abel his bruda wut happnd. An one day when they were out in da field, cain got all up in abels face, An totally pwnd him.
9 An Ceiling Cat said "cain, where iz mah abel???"
- An cain sed, "i dun no. excsues me i iz not camping abel all teh time kthx."
10 An he was liek wtf? ur dead bruda iz mewin frum undr teh carpt. (Ceiling Cat haz totally xlnt hearing An stuf.)11 K so nao cursd r u fum teh carpt, whichz opend its mouth to receiv ur bruda's harbls frum ur hand;12 When yous plowen teh urf, it gonna b hard n stuffz; fugitiev n wanderr youz bees in da urf. An its gonna sux cuz therz no united farmwrkr yoonyun yet.
15 An Ceiling Cat said unto him, therefore whosoevr pwnz cain, i will pwnz him OVER 9000x. An Ceiling Cat makz sign for cain, so iz nobodys findin him shud pwnz him.16 An cain rode away on hiz invisible bicycle away frum Ceiling Cat, An dwelt in da land ov nod, to da rite ov eden.
17 An cain knew his wife (cuz Adam n Eve haz dottaz hu sonz cans marry but I didnt tell u yets); An she is has teh kid enoch: An cain builded city, An callded teh name ov teh city enoch 2 cuz he think enoch rulz.18 An xunto enoch wuz born irad: An irad is has teh kid mehujael: An mehujael is has teh kid methushael; An methushael is has teh kid lamech.
19 An lamech took unto him two wivez (c i told u Ceiling Cat cud makez more grrrlz!!!1!): teh name ov teh one wuz adah, An teh name ov teh othr zillah.20 An adah is has teh kid jabal: An he An his kidz got to campz out in tents liek it wuz vacayshun but they had to chase after all teh moocows An sheeps an stuff so maybe it wasnt that much fun after all.21 An his brothr's name wuz jubal: An he An his kidz maded all the tunez An stuff An invented the ipod, (wifout lectricity or nuthin, Ceiling Cat waz gettin rael good at doin mirakels).22 An zillah, she also has teh kid tubal-cain, An he An his kidz maded all teh knifes An swordz An razrbladez An other sharp metal stuf: An teh sistr ov tubal-cain wuz naamah.
23 An lamech said unto his wivez,
- "adah An zillah, hear mah voice;
- u wivez ov lamech, listenz unto mah speechs.
- for i has pwn3d sum d00d for woundin me,
- sum kitteh for bruisin me:
24 If cain shall b avengd 7x,
- truly lamech 77x."
25 An adam knew his wife again; An she is has teh son, An calld his name seth. 4, said she, Ceiling Cat gaev me anothr kid instead ov abel; 4 cain pwnd him.26 An 2 seth, 2 him also thar wuz born son; An he calld his name enosh. den began men 2 say hai to Celing Cat moar often n stuff.
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