From LOLCat Bible Translation Project
Cain an Abel
1 An teh man an his wife wuz PENIS GOES WHERE, An she is has teh kid cain.2 An again she is has his brothr abel. An abel wuz keepr ov teh moocows, but cain wuz farmr and growed much froots and catnips.3 An after awhile cain brought sum ov teh froots ov teh ground for an offerin unto Ceiling Cat, cuz he just got off Atkins.4 An abel, he also brought teh first meets ov his moo cows (An ov teh fat of em cuz teh moo cows are on Atkins.) An he made teh 1st cheezburger An gaev it to teh Ceiling Cat.5 But cain to his offerin he had no liekd. An Ceiling Cat sed, do not want. cuz u didnt makez cookies out ov it, An besiedz u didnt bringz me any catnipz. An cain wuz mad, An got all liek sad and stuff.
6 An Ceiling Cat said unto cain, y is u be so ticked off? An y iz u all liek sad an stuff?7 If u do gud, isn't it gunna go up? An if u doest not well, sin croucheth at teh door: it wants to has you, but you hafta maik it go away.
8 An cain told abel his brothr wot happnd. An one day when they were out in da field, cain got all up in abels face, An totally pwnzd him.
9 An Ceiling Cat said "cain, where iz abel?"
- An cain sed, "i dono. excsues me i iz not camping abel all teh time."
10 An he said, wat u do? teh voice ov ure brothr's blood cried unto meh fum teh ground. (Ceiling Cat haz totally xlnt hearing An stuf.)11 An nao cursd r yu fum teh ground, whichz opend its mouth to receiv ure brothr's blood frum yur hand;12 When yous plowen teh urf, it bees all hard an stuffz; fugitiev An wanderr youz bees in da urf. An its gonna sux cuz therz no united farmwrkr union yet.
13 An cain said unto Ceiling Cat, meh punishment iz greatr than i can bear.14 Behold, u kick me from teh urf; An killz me; An i has no guild er clan ur nothin; an' i'm duumed with everyone, even n00bs will pwnz me.
15 An Ceiling Cat said unto him, therefore whosoevr pwnz cain, i will pwnz him 7x. An Ceiling Cat makz sign for cain, so iz nobodys findin him should pwnz him.16 An cain went oot fum teh presence ov Ceiling Cat, An dwelt in da land ov nod, on teh east ov eden.
17 An cain knew his wife (cuz Adam n Eve haz dortaz hu sonz cans marry but I didnt tell u yets); An she is has teh kid enoch: An cain builded city, An callded teh name ov teh city, afters teh name ov his son, enoch.18 An xunto enoch wuz born irad: An irad is has teh kid mehujael: An mehujael is has teh kid methushael; An methushael is has teh kid lamech.
19 An lamech took unto him two wivez (c i told u Ceiling Cat cud makez more grrrlz!!!1!): teh name ov teh one wuz adah, An teh name ov teh othr zillah.20 An adah is has teh kid jabal: An he An his kidz got to campz out in tents liek it wuz vacayshun but they had to chase after all teh moocows An sheeps an stuff so maybe it wasnt that much fun after all.21 An his brothr's name wuz jubal: An he An his kidz maded all the tunez An stuff An invented the ipod, (wifout lectricity or nuthin, Ceiling Cat waz gettin rael good at doin mirakels).22 An zillah, she also has teh kid tubal-cain, An he An his kidz maded all teh knifes An swordz An razrbladez An other sharp metal stuf: An teh sistr ov tubal-cain wuz naamah.
23 An lamech said unto his wivez,
- "adah An zillah, hear meh voice;
- ye wivez ov lamech, listenz unto meh speechs.
- for i has pwn3d sum d00d for woundin me,
- sum yung d00d for bruisin me:
24 If cain shall b avengd 7x,
- truly lamech 77x."
25 An adam knew his wife again; An she is has teh son, An calld his name seth. 4, said she, Ceiling Cat gaev me anothr kid instead ov abel; 4 cain pwnzd him.26 An 2 seth, 2 him also thar wuz born son; An he calld his name enosh. den began men 2 call upon teh name ov Ceiling Cat.
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