From LOLCat Bible Translation Project
Joseph maik pikchurz in hed wile sleepz
1 An Jacob livd in place calld Canaan wher no1 noo hiz famlyz An no1 carez if he wuz n00b.
2 This iz story ov Jacob. Iz rly story of joseph but teh 1th ppl who rited teh bibel rited it down rong. mus b cuz ov teh funny alfabetz. Joseph wuz 17 yrz old kidz An 1 dai he An his bros wuz givin cookies 2 teh sheeplz. An Joseph wuz brown nose An told hiz old man all teh wikkid stuffs dey did like raedin wikkidpedia An masturbatin An smokin weedz An stealin pplz stufz An stuf.
3 Now Israel whos rael naim wuz jacob liekd Joseph mor than all his othr kidz, cuz he wuz old man wehn joseph wuz bornd so he wuz like grandson wich iz mor fun: An he made him sum badass pimp cloths an some totally 1337 kickz An wud of gaev him a totally trickd out gangsta ride but carz wuznt nventd yet.4 An when his bros saw taht Jacob liekd Joseph mor than ne ov dem, dey hatez him An getz all pissed off An stuf An getz all up in hiz face An sed rly r00d mean ingorent thingz 2 him.
5 An Joseph cud haz wierd drem, An he told his bros wich wuz rly stoopid n00b thing 2 do but he didz it newai: An they hatez him alot mor An getz even mor pissed off An stuf..6 An he sed 2 them lissen up d00dz, I can haz wierd drem liek htis:7 we wuz in ur field harvestin ur weetz cuz it wuz farmrz dai off (cuz dey maded untied farmwrkrz union dammit), An all ur weetz wuz blong 2 my weetz.
8 An his bros sed 2 him, wtf u ben smokin? u think u b king or sumthin? u thinkz u iz bosscat of us? An they hatez him evn mor cuz ov his drems An wot he sed 2 dem.
9 An he cud haz nothr wierd drem An told his bros yo d00dz, I haz a nothr wierd drem, An chek dis out, teh sun An teh moon An teh eleven stars r blong 2 me.
10 An he told it 2 his old man, An 2 his bros: An his old man got all up in his face An sez wot u ben smokin An y u haz wierd dremz? iz me An ur momcat An all ur bros r blong 2 u?11 An his bros wuz rly jelus of him; but his old man rmembrd wot he sed.
Joseph'z bros sel him
12 An his bros went 2 Shechem 2 getz mor cookiez 4 teh sheepz.13 An Israel whos rael naim wuz jacob sed 2 Joseph, did ur bros gon 2 Shechem 2 getz cookies 4 teh sheepz? i wantz u 2 goez An mek shur deyz alrite. An he sed k.
14 An he sed 2 him, Go find out if ur bros An teh sheeplz iz alrite; An com bax An tellz me. So he sed k, gon 2 shechem, brb.15 An he gotz losted (fuxxing mapquest!!!!1!!) An sum d00d finded him An axt him, wut u lookin 4?
16 An he sed i iz lookin 4 my bros who iz gon 2 getz cookies 4 teh sheeplz.
17 An teh d00d sed, dey r gon An dey sed letz goez 2 Dothan cuz dey has betr cookies tehre. An Joseph sed kthxbai An finded his bros in Dothan.18 An wen dey seez him An he wuz stil on teh roadz long wais awai lookin 4 dem, they deciedd 2 pwnz him.
19 An they sed look d00dz, teh kid wot can haz teh wierd dremz iz comin.20 so letz us pwnz him, An trhow him in2 sum pit, An we will say sum evil aminal like crocodiel or lion or lolrus eated him: An 2 hell with hiz drems lol.
21 An Reuben hurdz dem, An he sed dont pwnz him cuz u will loses pointz.22 so dont pwnz him, jus trhow him into sum pit way out in teh booniez, An dont hurtz him. cuz Reubn kind of liekd joseph An wuz sort of brown nose 2 An thot he mite taekz him bak 2 his old man wen no1 wuz lookin but he didnt tellz tehm taht..
23 An so when Joseph finded his bros, dey took awai hiz totally badass cloths, An his totally 1337 kickz 2. but dey cudnt taek hiz pimp ridez cuz carz wuznt inventd yet.24 An they trhowd him in2 a pit An tehr wuznt eny waterz in it. no cheezburgrz or cookies either.
25 An it wuz tiem 4 lunch so dey sitz down An eatz cheezburgrz An cookies: An they saw a crew ov Ishmeelites form Gilead goin 2 egypt with lotz ov camels An all kindz ov rly gud herbz An weedz An othr rly gud stufz taht wuz liek catnipz 4 ppl An wuznt illegalz yet cuz Ceiling Cat didnt mek ne lawz yet but taht wuz ok cuz he wuz gonna maek alot of lawz l8r in exodus An leviticus An numb3rs An d00teromony.
28 Then dey met sum Midianitez; An they takez Joseph out ov teh pit, An sellz him 2 tehm 4 20 moneyz: An dey takez Joseph 2 Egypt.29 An l8r Reuben cam bak 2 teh pit; An seez taht Joseph wuz gon; An he tore up his cloths cuz dats wot peepz did wen dey wuz liek all sad An emo An stufz bak in teh dai.30 An he sez 2 his bros, josepf iz gon, wtf r we gonna do now?
31 An they took Josephs totally badass cloths, An killz 1 ov teh goats An puts teh blood all ovr teh badass pimp cloths An letz teh othr goatz eatz teh totally 1337 kickz;32 An they brought teh cloths 2 ther old man An sed, we founded htese totaly badass cloths. r htey joseph cloths or not..
33 An he knew it, An sed, iz my sons cloths; sum evil aminal eated him liek he wuz cookie; Joseph is 4 shur torn up in litel peeces. srsly.
34 An Jacob tor up his cloths, An put on sackcloth taht wuz rly scratchy, An wuz all sad An emo 4 raely long tiem.35 An all his wiefs An kidz trys 2 maekz him feelz mor betr but wuz no workin An he sed i iz gonna b all sad An emo til i diez. so he kept on bein all sad An emo An stufz.
36 An in egypt teh Midianites sold joseph 2 sum d00d naimd Potiphar, who wuz Pharaohs captain ov teh guard wich iz sorta liek teh cheef of poleesez.
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