From LOLCat Bible Translation Project
1 K so Dinah wuz kitty-girl Leah plooped out 4 Jacob, n she has go to hang wit chix of da land.2 Shechem kitteh-boy uf Hamor the Hivite, who run da place, he seez her n taked her n did PENIS GO WHERE? wit her n it wuz like date rape maybe.3 N cuz he thinx shez all hawt n stuff n even thinx he luvs her he sweet-talked her.4 So Shechem sez 2 his daddy-cat, "Yo, I wantz 2 marrie her NAO!"
5 N Jacob hears that dis goyim cat did PENIS GO WHERE wit Dinah; but keeps his mouf shut till his boy-cats cum home.6 Then Shechem's daddy Hamor cum 2 Jacob to rap wit him.7 Jacob's boy-kittehs hearded whassup n cum in frum field all o.O n >:O n OMG WTF!!!11!111one!!!111eleventyteen!!!! cuz dis goyim did PENIS GO WHERE wit Dinah, n dat gainst da Izralee's roolz.
8 N Hamor sez 2 dem he sez "Mah boy-kitteh Shechem wanna PENIS GO WHERE? with ur girl-cat plz let him marrie her so I don' have to hear him chokin' his chicken ya no?9 N u can marriez our girl-kittehz n gifz ur girl-kittehs 2 us:10 U can has cribz in our hoodz, n land 2; u can ownz stuffs here.11 N Shechem sez to Dinahz daddy-kitteh n bruthaz, "Help a guy out, i pay nething u sez.12 Srsly, asks me 4 all mah cheezburgerz n bling n stuff, n i will gif u it cuz I wanna PENIS GO WHERE? to her she's that good n da sack. Jus let me marrie her k?
13 Jacob's boy-kittehs r such liers cuz Shechem raped deir sisty-kitty,14 so dey lie n say "Well u needz 2 cuts off da end uf ur peepee cuz we don let our kitteh-girls marries men who don't whack off der foreskinz that's like EW GROSS!15 But if n u do cut off ur 4skin we'll say k u one uf us see but all of ur d00dz too not just u16 Den we gif our girl-kittehs 2 u n take ur girl-kittehs from u like dey property k n we cum liv in ur hood n we all be bloods ya.17 But if n u 2 chicken 2 cut off ur 4skin den we go kthxbai n leavez n take Dinah wit us cuz u b 2 lamer n 2 n00b 2 marrie her.
18 K so Hamor was all "Yeah!" and Hamor's son, Shechem, was all "Yeah!"19 So the kitteh-boy whips out a sharp rock or sumthin n whacks off his 4skin right there YEOWTCH cuz he wanted Jacob's kitteh-girl she musta been sum kinda Superfreak or sumthin lolz!20 N Hamor n Shechem went to the sports bar n rapped wit der homies, n sayz21 "D00dz those peepz be our frenz so let 'em cum in don't build no fenz don't snitch 2 la migra nuff romm here 4 evvybody n u can marry dere kitty-girlies n give ur kitty-girlies 2 dem.22 "But yeah derez catch: u haf 2 cut off ur 4skin cuz dey weird liek dat.23 "But dey gotz bling n cheezburgerz n all dat can be ours but only if we cut off our 4skins will dey cum lif in our hood, k, so drink up cuz it's gonna HURT lolz!"24 So all dems did whut Hamor n Shechem sez, n all go cut dere 4skins off OUTCH!
25 K so 3 daze later dey still hurtin bad n Simeon n Levi, 2 uf Jacob's boy-kittehs, bruthas uf Dinah, sharpenz der claws n goes to da hood n pwns all da men.26 N dey pwnz Hamor n his kitteh-boy Shechem, took Dinah out uf Shechem's crib n went kthxbai.27 Jacob's other kitteh-boiz cum on all da pwned peepz n takes stuff cuz dey pissed that Shechem did PENIS GO WHERE? wit Dinah but did anyone ask Dinah what she thought? NOOOOOO!28 Dey taked goatse n sheeples n moocowz n asses (thought dey pwned all da d00dz HA HA HA no, dey meanz DONKEEEZ!) n all dat stuff in da hood n outside,29 n dey taked all de bling n all the kittehs n all da mamacatz n furnitcher n stuff, EVERYTHING, GET IT???! jeez U dumb k where wuz I everytink n evvybuddy was tookened as prisonush n booty.
30 Jacob sez 2 Simeon n Levi "Now U dun it we in trubble nao n the Canaanites n da Perizzites be hatin on us n I don have lotsa d00dz, n if dey declare war on uz we will be pwned, all of uz!31 But the boy kittehs said "Should r sisty-kitty be treated liek a ho?"
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