Genesis 3

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Old Testament
Bad Kittehs

1 Nao teh serpent wuz mor shneakay than any beast ov teh field which Ceiling Cat had made. An he meowed unto teh woman, liek I herd that Ceiling Cat said, u shall not eated fum any tree ov teh garden? Even dem trees on dat plate?

2 An teh woman said unto teh serpent, ov teh fruit ov teh treez ov teh garden ok fo' us eat:3 but ov teh fruit ov teh tree which iz in teh midel ov teh garden, Ceiling Cat said, dun eatz it cuz if u eatz it he mek u ded.

4 An teh serpent said unto teh woman, he no mek u ded:5 4 Ceiling Cat noes dat, teh dai u eat dat fruit, den u gon b able to c, An u be like Ceiling Cat, knowin gud An evil. An dis fruit, it has a flavr.

6 An when teh woman saw dat teh tree wuz gud 4 fud with flavr an everything, An dat it wuz cool 2 teh eyez, An dat teh tree wuz 2 b desird 2 make man wise, she nom nom nom its fruit; An she gaev sum 2 Adam, An he eated it.7 An teh eyez ov them both were opend, An they knew dat their harbls were showin An stuff cuz Ceiling Cat didnt gaev dem no furz liek teh aminals; An they sewd sum fig-leavez togethr, An made themselvez clofs. Eve even maded firs thong but was vry vry itchy. srsly.

8 An they heard teh meow ov Ceiling Cat walkin in teh garden in teh kewl ov teh dai: An teh man An his wife hided themselvez fum Ceiling Cat amongst teh treez ov teh garden.9 An Ceiling Cat calld unto teh man, An meowed unto him, "excuse me, wtf u at"?

10 An he said, i heard yo voice in teh garden, An i wuz scurrd, because i wuz nekkid An stuff; An i hided and did not want 4 u to see mah harbls kthx.

11 An he said, hoo told u dat u was nakd? I waz enjoying watchin you be nekkids. hast thou eaten ov teh tree, dat I told u dat iz not ok u eatz?

12 An teh man said, teh woman u gave me saw teh tree An told me 'bout it. At first I was liek "Noes!" but then, I was layk NOM NOM NOM.

13 An Ceiling Cat said unto teh woman, wat did u dun? An teh woman said, teh serpent playd dirty trick on me, An i eated it.

14 An Ceiling Cat said unto teh serpent, "cuz u did dis,

cursd u aboov all teh moocows,
An aboov every one of those 4 leggd things that evolvd round here;
upon ur belly u gun walk An I gun take ur legs
An geev them to teh French 2 eatz An this is wut they gun eatz An they gun call it "Frawgs leegz",
An dust shalt u eated
all teh dais ov ur life
An u no getz no cookies to eated. An no cheezburgers neither. Srsly.

15 An im gonna put liek enmity An stuff

tween u An teh woman,
An tween thy seedz An her seedz;
he shall broose ur head,
An u gun broose his heel,
An both of yous will be like OMG OW

16 Unto teh woman he said,

"im gun make babies hurt alot An cause pain An stuff;
in pain u gun brin forth childrenz.
An ur desire shall b 2 ur husband,
An he gun rool ovar u and ask for beers and sammiches."

17 An unto adam he said, because u hast listend to her An hast eated teh tree wut i tellz u U NO EATZ!

"cursd iz teh grawnd cuz of u
An u is b wrkin ur ass off ur hol life
An makin cheezburgers will be vry hard now

18 thorns also An thistlez gun it brin forth 2 u;

An u gun eat teh herb ov teh field (but all teh good weedz dat iz liek catnipz 4 peepz is b illegalz An stuff lol);

19 in teh sweatz ov ur face

u gun eat bread An u no can has Gatorade,
till u return unto teh ground like when turds r buried in litterz,
4 out ov it wast thou taken;
4 dust u r,
An dust u gun return."

20 An teh man calld his wife's name eve; cuz she was teh mothr of all livn' and cuz if he nameded her bertha he woulda benn lol all da tyme

21 An Ceiling Cat maded 4 adam An 4 his wife coats ov skeens, An clothd 'em. An he sed wtf htis is rly st00pid. i shoulda gaev tehm furz in version 1. but wtf do i kno, i iz n00b Ceiling Cat An version 2 is be lotz betr.22 An Ceiling Cat said, behold, teh man iz become as 1 ov us, 2 knoe gud An evil; An nao, lest he put forth his hand, An taek also ov teh tree ov life, An eat, An liv 4 evr mor.23 Ther4 Ceiling Cat sent him forth fum teh garden ov eden, 2 till teh grawnd fum where he wuz took. An it suxxd cuz ther wasnt no untied farmwrkr union.24 So he droov out teh man; An he placd at teh east ov teh garden ov eden teh cherubim An stuff, An teh flaming (lol) sword which turned everywherez.

Genesis 3
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