Genesis 3

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Old Testament

1 Nao teh serpent wuz mor shneakay than any beast ov teh field which Ceiling Cat had made. & he meowed unto teh woman, liek I herd that Ceiling Cat said, u shall not eated fum any tree ov teh garden? Even dem trees on dat plate?

2 & teh woman said unto teh serpent, ov teh fruit ov teh treez ov teh garden ok fo' us eat:

3 but ov teh fruit ov teh tree which iz in teh midel ov teh garden, Ceiling Cat said, dun eatz it cuz if u eatz it he mek u ded.

4 & teh serpent said unto teh woman, he no mek u ded:

5 4 Ceiling Cat noes dat, teh dai u eat dat fruit, den u gon b able to c, & u be like gawd, knowin gud & evil. & dis fruit, it has a flavr

6 & when teh woman saw dat teh tree wuz gud 4 fud with flavr an everything , & dat it wuz cool 2 teh eyez, & dat teh tree wuz 2 b desird 2 make man wise, she nom nom nom its fruit; & she gaev sum 2 Adam, & he eated it.

7 & teh eyez ov them both were opend, & they knew dat their hairballz were showin & stuff cuz Ceiling Cat didnt gaev dem no furz liek teh aminals; & they sewd sum fig-leavez togethr, & made themselvez clofs. Eve even maded firs thong but was vry vry itchy. srsly.

8 & they heard teh meow ov Ceiling Cat walkin in teh garden in teh kewl ov teh dai: & teh man & his wife hided themselvez fum Ceiling Cat amongst teh treez ov teh garden.

9 & Ceiling Cat calld unto teh man, & meowed unto him, "excuse me, wtf u at"?

10 & he said, i heard yo voice in teh garden, & i wuz scurrd, because i wuz nekkid & stuff; & i hided and did not want 4 u to see mah hairbllz kthx.

11 & he said, hoo told u dat u was nakd? I was enjoying watching you. hast thou eaten ov teh tree, dat I told u dat iz not ok u eatz?

12 & teh man said, teh woman u gave me saw teh tree & told me 'bout it. At first I was liek "Noes!" but then, I was layk NOM NOM NOM.

13 & Ceiling Cat said unto teh woman, wat did u dun? & teh woman said, teh serpent playd dirty trick on me, & i eated it.

14 & Ceiling Cat said unto teh serpent, cuz u did dis, cursd u aboov all teh moocows, & aboov every one of those 4 leggd things that evolvd round here; upon ur belly u gun walk & I gun take ur legs & geev them to teh French 2 eatz & this is wut they gun eatz & they gun call it "Frawgs leegz", & dust shalt u eated all teh dais ov ur life & u no getz no cookies to eated:

15 & im gonna put liek enmity & stuff tween u & teh woman, & tween thy seedz & her seedz: he shall broose ur head, & u gun broose his heel, and both of yous will be like OMG OW

16 Unto teh woman he said, im gun make babies hurt alot & cause pain & stuff; in pain u gun brin forth childrenz; & ur desire shall b 2 ur husband, & he gun rool ovar u and ask for beers and sammiches.

17 & unto adam he said, because u hast listend to dat bitch, & hast eated teh tree, ov which i commandd thee, sayin, thou shalt not eat ov it: cursd iz teh grawnd 4 ur sake; in toil u eatz ov it all teh dais ov ur life; makin cheezburgers will be vry hard now srsly.

18 thorns also & thistlez gun it brin forth 2 u; & u gun eat teh herb ov teh field (but all teh good weedz dat iz liek catnipz 4 peepz is b illegalz & stuff lol);

19 in teh sweatz ov ur face u gun eat bread & u no can has Gatorade, till u return unto teh ground like when turds r buried in litterz; 4 out ov it wast thou taken: 4 dust u r, & dust u gun return.

20 & teh man calld his wife's name eve; cuz she was teh mothr of all livn' and cuz if he nameded her bertha hed lol all da tyme

21 & Ceiling Cat made 4 adam & 4 his wife coats ov skeens, & clothd 'em.

22 & Ceiling Cat said, behold, teh man iz become as 1 ov us, 2 knoe gud & evil; & nao, lest he put forth his hand, & taek also ov teh tree ov life, & eat, & liv 4 evr mor.

23 Ther4 Ceiling Cat sent him forth fum teh garden ov eden, 2 till teh grawnd fum where he wuz t'kn. & it suxxd cuz ther wasnt no untied farmwrkr union.

24 So he droov out teh man; & he placd at teh east ov teh garden ov eden teh cherubim & stuff, & teh flaming (lol) sword which turned everywherez.

Genesis 3
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