Genesis 3

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Old Testament
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Bad Kittehs

1 Teh snaik wuz teh sneekiest (an snakiest) animul dat Ceiling Cat mayd. Teh snaik sed to teh gurl, "'No eat froot,' Ceiling Cat says? 'Or u die,' Ceiling Cat says?"

2 An teh gurl sed, "We can has froot.3 But we no can has froot frum teh tree in teh middl of teh gardn. Ceiling Cat sez, 'If u tuch it or nom it, ull die. So pawz off.'"

4 Teh snaik sed, "U wont die frum froot, srsly.5 Ceiling Cat just sed dat cuz teh froot will maek u guyz smart. U guyz wud be ceiling catz, cuz u wud hav morulz!!!11

6 Teh gurl saw teh froot had a flavr, an it lookd yummy. It wud giv her sum morulz, too. So she nom-nom-nomd teh froot. She gaev sum to teh boi, an he nom-nom-nomd teh froot too.7 Then thay got morulz, so it didnt taek too long to figgur owt thay wuz naked. Boi an gurl maded sumfin owt of leevz to keep teh praivits praivit.8 Wen thay heerd Ceiling Cat chasin buttrfliez in teh gardn, thay jumpd in a bush to plai hide-an-seek, xcept thay hopd Ceiling Cat wud frget bout teh "seek" part. He didnt.

9 Ceiling Cat sed, "Boi? Boi?? BOI!!!"

10 Boi sed, "Ohai. I heerd u ovr thare, but ai freekd owt cuz ai wuz naked, so ai hid in teh bush."

11 Ceiling Cat sed, "Wayt a minit! How did u fynd owt? U didnt eat teh bad froot, did u?"

12 Boi said, "Rmembr teh gurl u mayd for me? Ai onli eated teh froot cuz she gaev it to me."

13 Ceiling Cat sed to teh gurl, "U did WUT?" Gurl said, "Teh snaik playd durty trik on me, an ai eated teh froot. It taysts gud, but dat not poynt."

No srsly.

14 Ceiling Cat sed to teh snaik, "Cuz u did dis, ur cursd aboov all teh moocows an farm animulz!!!11 Ur gonna moov on yur belly forevah, cuz ai gonna taek ur legs an giv dem to teh Chinese to eat!!!!111 Ur gonna eat durt forevah!!!!!115 Im gonna maik gurlz afrayd of snaikz, an teh macho boiz will squash u on teh hed to impress them, an all ull do is giv them a littl boo-boo on thair foot.

16 Unto teh woman he said,

"im gun make ure babiez hurt alot An cause pain An hurtynis An stuff;
in pain u gun brin forth childrenz.
An ur badnes shall b 2 ur husband,
An he gun pwn u and ask for beers and sammiches."

17 An unto adam he said, because u hast listend to her An hast eated teh tree wut i tellz u U NO NOMZ!

"cursd iz teh grownd cuz of u
An u is b wrkin ur buttz off ur hol life
An makin cheezburgers will be vry hard now
srsly.

18 thorns also An thistlez gun it brin forth 2 u;

An u gun eat teh herb ov teh field dat u wrkd ure butt off fur. (but all teh good weedz dat iz liek catnipz 4 peepz is b illegalz An stuff lol);

19 in teh sweatz ov ur face

u gun eat bread An u no can has cheezburgerz n Gatorade,
till u return unto teh ground like when poopz r buried in litterz,
4 out ov it wast thou taken;
4 dust u r,
An dust u gun return."

20 An teh man calld his womenz name eve; cuz she was teh mothr of all livn' and cuz if he nameded her bertha he woulda benn lold at all da tyme

21 An Ceiling Cat maded 4 adam An 4 his wife coats ov skeens, An clothid 'em.22 An Ceiling Cat said, behold, teh man iz become as 1 ov us , 2 knoe gud An evil; An nao, lest he put forth his hand, An taek teh cheezburgerz ov teh tree ov life, An eat, An liv 4 evr mor.23 Ther4 Ceiling Cat sent him forth fum teh garden ov eden, 2 till teh grawnd fum where he wuz took. An it suxxd cuz ther wasnt no uniteded farmwrkar union.24 So he pwnzordz teh man; An he placeded at teh east ov teh garden ov eden teh cherubim An stuff, An teh flaming (lol) sword which turned everywherez (an if yu evar caem up 2 teh sword den it wuld flaem u on teh intarwebs an u wuldnt git no cookies or cheezburgerz eithr, srsly).

Genesis 3
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