Genesis 3

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Old Testament
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Bad Kittehs

1 Nao teh snakez wuz mor shneakay than any beest ov teh field which Ceiling Cat had made. An he meowed unto teh woah man kitteh, liek I herd that Ceiling Cat said, u shall not eated frum any tree ov teh garden? Even dem trees on dat plate?

2 An teh woman said unto teh snakez, i can haz froot ov teh garden!3 but ov teh fruit ov teh tree which iz in teh midel ov teh garden, Ceiling Cat sez, dun eatz it cuz if u eatz it he mek u ded.

4 An teh snakez sed unto teh womenz, he no mek u ded:5 4 Ceiling Cat noes dat, teh dai u eat dat froot, den u gon b able to c, An u be liek Ceiling Cat, knowin gud An evil. An dis froot, it has a flavr, srsly.

6 An when teh woman saw dat teh tree wuz gud 4 fud with flavr an everything, An dat it wuz cool 2 teh eyez, An dat teh tree wuz 2 b desird 2 make man wise, she nom nom nom its froot; An she gaev sum 2 Adam, An he eated da froot (An srsly it was teh best).7 An teh eyez ov them both were opend, An they knew dat theyz were showin teh nakedz An stuff cuz Ceiling Cat didnt gaev dem no furz liek teh aminals; An they sewd sum fig-leavez togethr, An made themselvez clofs. Eve even maed firs thong but was vry vry itchy. srsly.

8 An they heard teh meowz ov Ceiling Cat walkin throu teh garden in teh kewl ov teh dai: An teh man An his wife hided themselvez fum Ceiling Cat amongst teh treez ov teh garden.9 An Ceiling Cat calld unto teh man, An meowed unto him, "wuzzat? wut u just NOM NOM NOMd? It srsly gud?"

10 An he said, i heard yo voice in teh garden, An i wuz scareded, because i wuz NOMin An stuff; An i hided and did not want 4 u to see meh NOMin kthx.

11 An he said, hoo told u dat u was ta NOM teh holy fud? I waz injoyin watchin you be not NOMin. Did youz eated ov teh tree, dat I told u dat iz not ok u eatz ov?

12 An teh man said, teh woman u gave me saw teh tree An told 'bout it to me. At first I was liek "Noes!" but then, I was layk NOM NOM NOM. srsly.

13 An Ceiling Cat said unto teh woman, wat did u dun? An teh woman said, teh snakez playdid dirty trick on me, An i eated it.

No srsly.

14 An Ceiling Cat sed unto teh snakez, "cuz u did dis,

cursd u aboov all teh moocows,
An aboov every one of those 4 leggd things that sumwun maked round here;
upon ur belly u gun walk An I gun take ur legs
An geev them to teh French 2 eatz An this is wut they gun eatz An they gun call it "Frawgs leegz",
An dust shalt u NOMin. srsly
all teh dais ov ur life
An u no getz no cookies to eated. An no cheezburgers neither. Srsly.

15 An im gonna put liek badnis An stuff

tween u An teh woman,
An tween thy seedz An her seedz;
he shall broose ur head,
An u gun broose his heel.

16 Unto teh woman he said,

"im gun make ure babiez hurt alot An cause pain An stuff;
in pain u gun brin forth childrenz.
An ur badnes shall b 2 ur husband,
An he gun pwn u and ask for beers and sammiches."

17 An unto adam he said, because u hast listend to her An hast eated teh tree wut i tellz u U NO NOMZ!

"cursd iz teh grownd cuz of u
An u is b wrkin ur buttz off ur hol life
An makin cheezburgers will be vry hard now
srsly.

18 thorns also An thistlez gun it brin forth 2 u;

An u gun eat teh herb ov teh field dat u wrkd ure butt off fur. (but all teh good weedz dat iz liek catnipz 4 peepz is b illegalz An stuff lol);

19 in teh sweatz ov ur face

u gun eat bread An u no can has cheezburgerz n Gatorade,
till u return unto teh ground like when poopz r buried in litterz,
4 out ov it wast thou taken;
4 dust u r,
An dust u gun return."

20 An teh man calld his womenz name eve; cuz she was teh mothr of all livn' and cuz if he nameded her bertha he woulda benn lold at all da tyme

21 An Ceiling Cat maded 4 adam An 4 his wife coats ov skeens, An clothid 'em.22 An Ceiling Cat said, behold, teh man iz become as 1 ov us , 2 knoe gud An evil; An nao, lest he put forth his hand, An taek teh cheezburgerz ov teh tree ov life, An eat, An liv 4 evr mor.23 Ther4 Ceiling Cat sent him forth fum teh garden ov eden, 2 till teh grawnd fum where he wuz took. An it suxxd cuz ther wasnt no uniteded farmwrkar union.24 So he pwnzordz teh man; An he placeded at teh east ov teh garden ov eden teh cherubim An stuff, An teh flaming (lol) sword which turned everywherez (an if yu evar caem up 2 teh sword den it wuld flaem u on teh intarwebs an u wuldnt git no cookies or cheezburgerz eithr, srsly).

Audio version (courtesy bcdm)

Genesis 3
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