Genesis 29

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Old Testament
Jacob Arrives in Paddan Aram

1 Jacob wuz walkin easty2 n he sawded a waterz hole wif 3 bunchez of sheepz nearz it. wuz a big rock onna hole.3 teh peepuls do move rock so sheepz CAN HAS waterz n tehn puts rock back.

4 Jacob sez "whar U B from?"

tehy sez "Haran"

5 He sez "U no Laban, Nahor's grandson"

tehy sez "Yup"

6 He sez "He K?"

tehy sez "yup, checkit, hiz daughter Rachel commin wif sheepz"

7 He sez "sheeps CAN HAS waterz"

8 tehy sez "sheepz NO CAN HAS waters, need moar sheepz"

9 Rachel shows up wif sheepz10 Jacob mooved rock off hole n Rachel's sheepz CAN HAS waterz.11 tehn he kissy her n cry12 He tolded her he wuz her cousin, so she run n tell daddy.

13 When daddy (Laban) herd whut happen, he run out n kissy him n bringz him home14 tehn Laban say "UR my 1st cousin!"

Jacob Marries Leah and Rachel (bonus)

Jacob hangz out a Laban's crib 4 a month

15 Laban sez "I wants to pays U2 workz, how much U want?"

16 now Laban haz 2 daughterz, old 1 Leah, n young 1 Rachel.17 Leah eyez point different directionz but Rachel pretty n she stacked

18 Jacob sez "I wurk 7 yearz then I CAN HAS Rachel?, cause I got teh loves 4 her"

19 Laban sez "K, hang out here srsly".20 So Jacob hung out 7 yearz 4 Rachel.

21 Jacob sez "K, GIMMEH Rachel I wanna do PENIS GOES WHERE on hers"

22 So Laban has feast with sheepz, n moocowz n cookiez n stuff23 when it get dark he bring out Leah to Jacob n he did PENIS GOES WHERE? on her"24 n Laban gave servant gurl Zilpah to her as maidservent

25 When it gets light in teh morning, Leah!1!!1!! Jacob sez to Laban "WTF? where B Rachel"

26 Laban sez "U CAN HAS old 1 first,27 then after U do PENIS GOES WHERE with her for a week, tehn U CAN HAS udder 1, gonna cost nuther 7 yearz tho.

28 Jacob did PENIS GOES WHERE wif Leah 4 a week, tehn he got Rachel29 Rachel got Bilhah, servent girl from daddy30 Jacob does PENIS GOES WHERE to Rachel n he even loved this 1, n he worked nother 7 years.

Jacob's Kidz

31 When Ceiling cat seed Leah NOT CAN HAS love, he remove invisible diaphram n put in Rachel.32 Leah getted preggerz n ploop out boy Ruben n sed "Ceiling cat see me sad, now Jacob luv me 2" (boy later go on to maek samwichz, rly, srsly)

33 She ploop out another calld Simeon n sez "Ceiling cat be in my ceiling, helpin me get luv"

34 She ploop out nother 1 called Levi n sed "now heeze gonna rly luv me, I ploop out 3"

35 She ploop out yet another called Judah n sed "TNX Ceiling cat no moar plz hurtz, KTHNX"

Genesis 29
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