From LOLCat Bible Translation Project
Abraham getz ded
1 Abrabam getz nuther wife 4 PENIS GOES WHERE? name Keturah2 Seh ploop out Zimran, Jokshan, Medan, Midian, Ishbak and Shuah.3 Jokshan maek Sheba and Dedan, Dendan maek Asshurites, the Letushites and the Leummites.4 Midian maek Ephah, Epher, Hanoch, Abida and Eldaah. Keturah maek all ov dem.
7 Abraham gotted ded when he waz 175 yearz old (must be kitteh yearz).8 When he was deded, tehy tooked him out for walkies.9 Isaac and Ishmael putted him inna cave of Machpelah near Mamre10 taht he bougted from the Hittites (see Genesis_23#2) an wuz putted in wit hiz ded wife Sarah.11 After Abraham get deded, Ceiling cat gived Isaac Ceheezburgerz n stuff when he was at Beer Lahai Roi.
12 We be talkin bout Abraham's boi Ishmael taht Hagar who walk leik Egiptian ploop out when she wus workin 4 Sarah.
13 Ishmael maek Nebaioth, Kedar, Adbeel, Mibsam,14 Mishma, Dumah, Massa,15 Hadad, Tema, Jetur, Naphish and Kedemah. In taht order, srsly.16 tehy was teh 12 tribal rulerz of der settulmentz and campz.17 Ishmael got ded when he wuz 137 yearz old (kitteh yearz again). When he was all ded tehy tooked him out 4 walkies.18 All the peepulz he maded lived from Havilah 2 Shur, nearz Egypt and tehy DID NOT leik each udder.
Jacob and Esau
21 Isaac wuz talkin to Ceiling Cat cause Rebeka HAS A INVISIBLE DIAPHRAM, Ceiling cat removed INVISIBLE DIAPHRAM n sed leik "has some fertility drugz" and she eated them.22 She feeled a party in herz tummy and sez to Ceiling Cat "WTF?"23 Ceiling Cat sez
- "fertility drugz maeks 2 babez
- K tho cuze they fraternal
- n not leik all stuck together so dissambly not required
- But 1 ouf dem be stronger tehn other
- Older 1 be workin fo teh younger. KTHXBAI"
24 She ploop out 2 boyz25 1st one come out red n furry tehy named hims Esau (which is funny bibel nam 4 furry).26 neXt 1 come out holdin onto 1st one foots (he musta comes out backwards) so theys names him Jacob (which is funny bibel nam 4 grabbs heelz or deceiver). Isaac wus 60 when dey ploop out.
27 Teh boyz growed up n Esau wuz leet sklld mouser (he finded mouses to eated everywhar n liked to go outside). Jacob wuz scairdy cat stayin inside on teh windowsill.28 Dad leiked Esau cause he eated lots of mouses, but mom leiked Jacob.
31 Jacob sez "YOU CAN NOT HAS COOKIEZ, but givh me ur inheritance and YOU CAN HAS DELICIOUS COOKIEZ n CAKES."
32 Esau sez, "I humgry bad, K"
33 Buy Jacob sez "swear first delicious cookiz later", Esau sez "KTHX".
34 So Esau swear n CAN HAS DELICIOUS COOKIZ, n go NOM NOM NOM
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