Genesis 24

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Old Testament
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Isaac and Rebekah

1 Abraham waz teh oldz en BFF wif Ceiling Cat.2 he waz teh head servent dood "puts yer paw unner my legz" (ewwwwww)3 "I wantz U 2 swear by Ceiling Cat, who maded teh skiez An da Urfs that I DO NOT WANT my son's wife 2 B Canaanite, where we be at.4 but DO WANT wife from my landz and relatives 4 Issac."

5 Servant sez whut if she DO NOT WANT come here, Do I takes him there?"

6 Abraham sez "DO NOT WANT him there"7 Ceiling Cat BFF sez 'Issac do HARBOL GOES WHERE? first, then he can go der.'8 If she DO NOT WANT come here, you KTHXBAI, no takes Issac.9 Servent dood putz hand unner his legz (ewwwww) n made oath

10 Teh servent takez 10 camuels (leik moocows, but different) and did not eated them, and lotza swag. He goes from Aram Naharaim 2 Nahor.11 He getz there when the gurlz are commin it fill BUCKETZ, he makes camuels neel near waterz hole

12 The he praz to Ceiling Cat, "0 Ceiling Cat of Abraham, lemme find gurl to bring back for PEINIS GOES WHERE?13 Checkit, l00k at the gurlz!14 if she sez me and camuels CAN HAS BUCKETS, I bring her back."

15 as he wuz talkin to Ceiling Cat, Rebekah (a gurl) comes out with BUCKET. she daughter ov Bethuel son ov Milcah (wife ov Abraham's brudder Nahor).16 she never do PENIS GOES WHERE? and waz pretty, She fill BUCKET with waterz

17 He sez CAN HAS BUCKET?

18 she sez U CAN HAS MY BUCKET

19 She sez GIMMEH BUCKET so camuels CAN HAS BUCKET.20 she sez now camules CAN HAS BUCKET.21 He watched to see if Ceiling Cat liked this 1.

22 when camuels were done with BUCKET, he gets out a nose ring and braceletz23 and sez, letz go 2 ur dads palce.

24 She sez "dads Bethuel, grandpap Nahor, mom Milcah25 YOU CAN HAS room at my place

26 He sez to Ceiling Cat27 KTHZ dood, I'm goin to Abraham's DNA

28 She tellz mom n all,29 and her brother Laban.30 n he seez sis wif nose ring n bracletz n goez to meat him.31 Laban sez "d00d!!!1!1! WTF you here 4? You BFF Ceiling Cat, check out my crib."

32 So he goes to teh house. foodz was brought for camuels and they eated it, and they washed teh feetz in buckets.33 the was delicios cakes but he not eated it, he sez "I do not want eated it until I tell u this"

Laban sez WTF?

34 He sez I workz for Abraham35 and he BFF w/ Ceiling Cat and gots sheepz n moocows n silver n gold n servents n camuels n donkiez n shiny thingz and catnip n cheezburgrs n cookiez n lotsa udder stuff.36 Sarah hiz wife plooped out a babie whem she waz leik old n stuff and the kid getz the loot.37 n he tolded me to get the kid a wife not from teh Canaanites where he B at but from hiz DNA.38 but do wanted wife 4 isaac from hims relativez, daz ok."

39 I axed "whut if she DO NOT WANT come here?"

40 He sez Ceiling Cat be workin on it, it'll work trust me K? srsly,41 If it don't wurk, just GTFO. KTHXBAI.

42 I wus talkin to Ceiling Cat when I was in ur waterz sayin "pweese make it wurk,43 n if I axe a gurl for her bucket,44 n she says U CAN HAS MY BUCKET and ur camuels CAN HAS MY BUCKET too" I'll call it gud.

45 I wasnt done talkin to Ceiling Cat when I sees Rebeka an sez "CAN I HAS UR BUCKET?"

46 n she sez U CAN HAS MAI BUCKET and ur camuels too.

47 I axed her who she wuz

she said she wus from Abrahams DNA!!!11!!1!
so I shoved a ring up her nose and put the cuffs on,48 n thanked Ceiling Cat.49 can I has her? if I can no has her, tell me where I can get another 1.

50 Laban and Bethuel sez "This be Ceiling Cat business, we outta this,51 you CAN HAS gurl, so ur master's son can do PENIS GOES WHERE on her. Leik Ceiling Cat sez"

52 when he hearz that he bowed to Ceiling Cat53 and got gold n silver shiny things n clothes n gave them to the gurl, he also dumped buckets of swag on her brudder n mom54 then they eated delicious cake and drinked and sleeped.

when he waked up, he sed I GTFO, KTHXBAI

55 Bro n mom sed, "Woah d00d, we needs 10 dayz, then U can GTFO."

56 he sez "WTF? Ceiling Cat may get pissed"

57 they say "letz axe the gurl"58 They axe n she sez KBAI

59 so they tell her to GTFO long wif her nurse and the guise60 n they blessed Rebeka n sed:

"yo sis, moar
in teh mani towsandz
mai ur babies pwn
der enemies"

61 So Rebeka n her maidz got on the camuels n GTFO

62 Issac come from Beer Lahai Roi, cause he wus livin in Negev.63 He goes walkies one night n seez camuels a commin64 Rebeka sees Issac n gets off camuel65 n sez "who dat who be a commin 2 meat us?"

Servent sez "Bossman, so she covered hersefs with veil."

66 Then he telled the story to Issac67 n he bringed he into his mom's tent n married her, and did PENIS GOES WHERE? and was comforted after his mother's death.

Genesis 24
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