Genesis 2

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Old Testament
Ceiling Cat is watching you procreate

1 An teh skyz An teh Urth were finishd, An all teh stufz in dem An Ceiling Cat was liek all tired An stuff. 2 An on teh 7th dai Ceiling Cat got done makingks all dat stuf; An he restd on teh 7th dai cuz he was pooped fum all dat wrking An not liek havng teh holiez. An he not get payd ovrtym either.3 Ceiling Cat blesd teh 7th dai, An sed itz teh h0liez0rz; cuz dats when he restd fum all his werk which Ceiling Cat had creatd An made. Yay Caturday!

Adam An Eve

4 Iz how teh skyz An Urths were made, wen Ceiling Cat pwnd.

5 Urths no can has plantz n treez n catnipz yet, cuz Ceiling Cat no can maek rainz, but iz ok for kittehs DUNT LYKEZ wetfurz. An ther wuznt ne man 2 mek farmz An stuff; cuz teh clouds were all happie An didnt feel like cryin, wich wuz ok too cuz umbrellaz wuznt inventd yet.6 But teh fogz caem in liek in Frisco An waterd teh ground so teh plantz wud be ok wen Ceiling Cat madez dem.7 An Ceiling Cat madez man out ov teh flore dust, An breathd into his nawstrils teh bref ov lyff, wich was sorta liek doin cpr on a mudpie, but it was ALYV d00d man (v.0.8ß) so it wuz all g00d.

8 An Ceiling Cat plantd garden eastwad, in eden; An ther he put teh man he madez. (i dono how he figurd out it wuz east, cuz ther wuznt any cumpasez yet.)9 An Ceiling Cat madez evry tree dat iz prity, An gud 4 fud; teh tree ov life wuz in teh garden 2, An teh tree ov teh knowledge ov gud An evil. man asked Ceiling Cat 2 makez a cookie tree, An Ceiling Cat made it. but he eated it. (no 1 had thot of cheezburger tree yet.)

10 An a big rivr went out ov eden 2 watr teh garden; An then it splitzd up in2 4 rivrz wth srsly wierd names.11 Teh name ov teh 1th iz pishon (did u sneez? bless u! ): dat one runz around teh whole land ov havilah wich haz a lot ov gold;12 An teh gold ov dat land iz gud (but u cant eatz it): ther iz bdellium An teh onyx stone. (but u cant eatz dat either. An wtf is bdellium?)13 An teh name ov teh 2th rivr iz gihon: dat one runz around teh whole land ov cush wich is vry comfy place.14 An teh name ov teh 3th rivr iz hiddekel: dat one runz in frunt ov Asyria. An teh 4th rivr iz teh euphratez.

15 An Ceiling Cat took teh man, An put him into teh garden ov eden 2 takez care of it cuz Ceiling Cat wuz still pooped and wantedz another dai off.16 An Ceiling Cat sed 2 teh man, ov every tree in teh garden iz ok u eatz:17 But of teh tree of teh knowledge of gud An evil, you not eatz cuz wen u eatz taht tree i 4 sure mek u ded. srsly.

18 An Ceiling Cat said, teh man is alone An dat iz bad; he needz frendz so i will maek him a good help fo him. (i iz good at stuff liek that. srsly. An it will keepz him outta trubble.)

19 An out of teh ground Ceiling Cat madez all teh aminals on teh urth An in teh see, An all teh birds up in sky (An sum liek ostridges who cudnt flyz, just 4 fun). (Ceiling Cat is raely good at makingz mud pies. srsly.) An brought them unto teh man 2 c what he would call them: An what teh man called every living aminal, dat was its naim. (if they didnt like it, tuff tamales, they wuz stuck wif it.)

invisible clothes

20 An teh man gave names 2 all teh aminals, An 2 teh burdies of sky (An to teh onez who cudnt flyz) An teh aminals in teh see, (so they wudnt feel left out), An to every aminal in teh field; but for man wuznt no good helper fo him, not even ne1 to talk 2 in chatroom.21 An Ceiling Cat caused a deep sleep to fall upon teh man, An he slept; An he took 1 of his ribs, cuz it has a flavr. 22 An Ceiling Cat can haz teh rib frum man maded into wimman, but did not eated it cuz he brot her to teh man. He sai O hai, I maded u a man but wifout teh dingy. Have fun, kthxbai. 23 Teh man saiz,

"Dese bonez is my bonez
an dis meatz are my meatz;
I calz her "whoa man", k
cuz she in ur chest taken ur ribs."

24 So man muv out da basement an lives wif da womenz, an be all u can puts your toofbrush nexta mine an I no eats you.

25 and teh man and teh woman weared invisible clothes! Cause dey had teh secksy.

Audio Version (courtesy LOLCheshirecat)

Genesis 2
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