Ezekiel 3

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Old Testament
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Scrole has a flavor
Teh Ceiling Cat am giv Zeke struxshuns an he eated it

1 An he sedded 2 me: "Kitteh ov Kitteh, you eated dis, it iz scrole; den go an miaow 2 Izrale." I fort mabee it liek seekret ajent, reed messij and eated it (butt i no can reed). 2 Soez I open upp mows-hoel an teh ceiling cat puttin scrole. 3 Den he sedded 2 me: "Kitteh ov Kitteh, eated de scrole, fillup yor tum-tum". So I eated teh scrole an it has a flavor, am tayst ov hunnee in mah mows-hoel. Mmmm . . . . Holiez-scrole! 4 He den sedded 2 me: "Kitteh ov Kitteh, u go 2 teh haus ov Izrale an be ma ventrolickwist dummeh. 5 I no send u 2 forrinars hoo no can speek LOLcat, I send u 2 Izrale. 6 Not 2 lotsa peeps hoo no speeka LOLcat an tork teh wubbish an maek u scrach hed in puzzel, Shirley, if I did dey wud unnerstan u n lissen. 7 But teh haus ov Izrale is no lissen, cos dey do not want, all ov haus ov Izrale ar nasti, smelli katz. Stubbun. 8 I maek u stubbun liek dem kittehs. 9 I giff u hard hed - liek am wear motobiyk helmitt. No be scardeycat or fraydeycat, tho dey are nasti, smelli katz." 10 An he sedded 2 me: "Kitteh ov Kitteh, lissen up an pay attenshun wen I am tork. 11 Go 2 teh kittehs hoo ar nottin teh yard an speek 2 dem. Sai 2 dem, 'Dis am wot teh sovrinn ceiling cat sez,' wevva dey lissen or do not want."

Zeke bai Chebar rivuh

12 Den teh invisible bit ov teh ceiling cat am lift me upp, an I herd a BIG wobbel behine me — Mai teh shiny ov teh ceiling cat lite up teh ceiling. 13 The noiz ov wings a flappin at creechas (dem freezx) and teh noiz of invisible SUV, lowd noiz. 14 Den teh invisible bit ov teh ceiling cat am lift me upp an taek me liek in carricase (butt no to teh vets), an I mad ickle kitteh - no liek travill even wiv ceiling cat hedscrach. 15 I am reech teh kittehs hoo ar nottin teh yard an dey am in Tel Abib neer teh Chebar rivuh. An der, wehr dey amlivv, I sit bai dem 4 hole week - am nakkerd. 16 At week end teh werd ov teh ceiling cat am cum 2 me: 17 "Kitteh ov kitteh, I has maek u a secura-kitteh (noez yewni-form sry) 4 teh haus ov Izrale; so lissen up an u tell dem wot I tell u, giv warn. 18 Wen I sai 2 vbad kitteh, 'U dye now kthxbai,' an no tell he or evun sai 'Be good kitteh it iz 4 own good', teh vbad kitteh, him dye 4 be vbad an I rite down dat u no halp. 19 But if u warn an he no lissen an say 'do not want be good kitteh', him dye an u still be good kitteh in mah buk." 20 "Also, wen good kitteh go bad (I hied raek in grass 4 him) an he do bad stuff, he dye. Sinse u no wanrn, he dye 4 him sin. Teh goodstuff he do is 4got, an I rite down dat u no halp. 21 But if u warn teh good kitteh an he no duz badstuff, he noez dye cuz ov u an u still be good kitteh in mah buk."

Zeke am a lone an tode to shush

22 Teh paw ov teh ceiling cat am on mai hed, an he sed, "Up kitteh! Go 2 flat bit ov grownd an u an I haff a chat." 23 I got up an I go 2 flat bit. An teh shiny ov teh ceiling cat am stand dere liek I see b4 bai teh Chebar rivuh. Zeke fall down go splat. 24 Den teh invisible bit ov teh ceiling cat am lift me upp on mah paws. He am tork an sed: "Go in ur howse, am u lock der catflap. 25 An u, kitteh ov kitteh, dey will cum an play kinki bondage games an u will be tide up an no can move. 26 I maek u no sai safeword, dey ar nawty BDSM kittehs. 27 But wen I speek 2 u, I am open ur mows-hoel an u can sai 2 dem, 'Dis am wot teh sovrinn ceiling cat sez.' If dey lissen, lettem lissen an if dey do not want, lettem do not want; 4 dey are nasti, smelli katz."

Ezekiel 3
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