From LOLCat Bible Translation Project
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|Lamentations||Daniel||Ezekiel 27||Ezekiel 29|
A hiss to da hooman wit da Tirez
1 Teh wurd of da Ceiling Cat came to me:2 "Son of kitteh, sayz to da hooman wit da Tirez, 'Dis is whut Ceiling Cat saiz: " 'In da pride of yourz heart you saiz, "I iz fresh Ceiling Cat I sit in da peepholz of da old Ceiling Cat in da corner of da Ceiling." But you are a hooman and not a Ceiling Cat, though youz tink you are is as wize as da Ceiling Cat.3 Are youz wizah den Danielz? Is no bukkit hidden from youz?4 By yourz stalking and begging you has gained cheezeburger for youzself and gots blanketz and laundriez in youz homez.5 By youz leet skillz in coding you is uppin youz stashez of da treatz, and because of your treatz youz heart is liek a meanie.6 " 'Srsly dis is whut the great Ceiling Cat saiz: " 'Becuz youz tink youz is da uber-smarty, and wize likez a kitteh,7 I iz going to bring da dogz to biet and lick youz, teh most stinkiest of animuls; tey willz stealz youz bukkit and dey willz poop in youz laundriez.8 Dey willz carriez youz in dey stinky mouthz, and givez youz da muther of baths byz spitting you'z in da pool.9 9 Willz youz den saiz, "I is a Kitteh," in da stinkz of dem dat chasez kittehs? Day den saiz O RLY and you saiz YA RLY and dey saiz NO WAI and dey bitez youz Youz be butz a hooman, not a kitteh in da pawz of dem dat chasez youz.10 10 Youz will beez licked byz de toungez of da unspiyededz and nutteredz byz de toungez of da dogz. I has saiz, saiz da Ceiling Cat.' "
A hiss to da Saidonz
11 Da wurdz of da Ceiling Cat comez tooz me:12 "Son of kitteh, takez up a mew for da hooman wit da Tirez and saiz to him: 'Dis is whut da Ceiling Cat saiz: " 'Youz waz da dreamz of purrsfection full of da smarts and da cutez.13 You was on tabelz, da stool of da Ceiling Cat; pretty stonzgiven youz: da rubiez, da topazez and da emeraldezez, crizolitez, onk-ziz and da jasperz, safirez, turkey-coizes and da berylz. Youz waz even given da catnip mousiez and da rubbah duckiez. Youz dishez and youz litter boxez was covered wit baconzd; on da day you wuz adopted dey wuz made fresh for youz.14 You waz praized as like a kitteh, for so I haz rubbed youz. You waz given da lapz; you waz given da kitteh door.15 You waz liek da goodness itself from da day you were created till youz sprayed on da TV.16 From youz nights out you waz filled wit da territorial instinctz, and youz sprayed. So Iz drove youz in da shamez from da laps, and I pushed youz out and locked da kitteh door.17 Youz becomes liek a meanie becuz of youz pretty looks, and youz messed up youz smartz becuz of yuz nice collarz. So Iz dropz you to da floor; I madez a jokez of youz before da lolrusez.18 Biez youz many sprayingz and sloppiez eating you has showez dat u iz a n00b. So I madez a bath come outz for youz, and it washed youz, and I covered youz in da bubblez in da sites of da lolrusez19 All da cat ladiez who knew youz are mad at youz you has gotten lookez leik wut da catz dragz in and youz will be getzing da lapz and da pettingz no morez. No Rly' "