Exodus 32

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Old Testament
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Worshippin - yer doin it wrong

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Teh Golden Calv

1 when teh peeps saw dat mosez wuz so long in comin down frum teh mountain, they gatherd around aaron an sed, "come, mak us godz [a] hoo will go before us. as 4 dis fellow mosez hoo brought us up out ov egypt, we doan knoe wut has happend 2 him."2 aaron anzwerd them, "taek off da gold earrings dat ur wivez, ur sons an ur daughters r wearin, an brin them 2 me."3 so all teh peeps took off their earrings an brought them 2 aaron.4 he took wut they handd him an made it into an idol cast in da shape ov calf, dat bebeh moocow, fashionin it wif tool. den they sed, "thees r ur godz, [b] israel, hoo brought u up out ov egypt."5 when aaron seed dis, he builted an altar in frunt ov teh calf an announcd, "2morrow thar will be festival 2 teh lord."6 so teh next dai teh peeps rose early an sacrificd burnded offerinz an presentd fellowship offerings. den they sat down 2 eat an drink an got up 2 indulge in revelry.7 den teh lord sed 2 mosez, "go down, cuz ur peeps, whom u brought up out ov egypt, has become corrupt.8 they has been quick 2 turn away frum wut i commandd them an has made themselvez an idle cast in da shape ov calf. they has bowd down 2 it an sacrificd 2 it an has sed, thees r ur godz, israel, hoo brought u up out ov egypt.9 "i has seen thees peeps," teh lord sed 2 mosez, "an they r stiff-neckd peeps.10 nao leef me alone so dat mah angr cud burn against them an dat i cud pwn them. den im gonna mak u into great nashun."11 but mosez sought teh favor ov teh lord his ceilin cat. "lord," he sed, "y shud ur angr burn against ur peeps, whom u brung out ov egypt wif great powr an mighty hand?12 y shud teh egyptianz say, it wuz wif evil intent dat he brought them out, 2 kill them in da mountains an 2 wipe them off da face ov teh earth? turn frum ur fierce angr; relent an do not brin disastr on ur peeps.13 remembr ur servants abraham, isaac an israel, 2 whom u swore by ur own self: im gonna mak ur descendants as numerous as teh stars in da sky an im gonna giv ur descendants all dis land i promisd them, an it will be their inheritance furevr."14 den teh lord relentd an did not brin on his peeps teh disastr he had threatend.15 mosez turnd an went down teh mountain wif teh 2 tablets ov teh covenant law in his hanz. they wuz inscribd on both sidez, frunt an bak.16 teh tablets wuz teh werk ov ceilin cat; teh writin wuz teh writin ov ceilin cat, engravd on teh tablets.17 when joshua herd teh noize ov teh peeps shoutin, he sed 2 mosez, "thar iz teh sound ov war in da camp."18 mosez replid: "it not teh sound ov victory, it not teh sound ov defeat; it teh sound ov singin dat i hear."19 when mosez approachd teh camp an saw teh calf an teh dancin, he wuz liek OMFG! WTF!??! an he threw teh tablets out ov his hanz, breakin them 2 piecez at teh foot ov teh mountain.20 an he took teh calf they had made an Pwnd it in da fire; den he ground it 2 powdr, scatterd it on teh watr an made teh israelitez drink it.21 he sed 2 aaron, "wut wrong wit u? Wut teh peepz do so u do liek dis an be all soopr bad nstuff?"22 "dun be mad, moe!" aaron anzwerd. "u knoe how stooped thez peeps cn b wif teh eevl n stuff.23 they sed 2 me, mak us fake ceiling catz hoo will go before us. as 4 dis guy mosez hoo brought us up out ov egypt, we doan knoe wut happend 2 him or wer he wen.24 so i was liek, gimme ur goald blingz! den they gaev me teh goald, an i threw it into teh fire, an POOF! out came dis moocow! WOA!!"25 mosez saw dat teh peeps wuz all crazei cuz aaron didn care wut they did n they maid teh baddies go ROFLCOPTER!26 so he stood at teh entrance 2 teh camp an sed, "EVERY1 dat's wif teh Ceiling Cat, cummere wit me! Srsly." an all teh levitez goaded 2 him.27 den he sed 2 them, "dis ar teh wut teh lord, teh ceilin cat ov israel, sez: all u guyz wif me cum and get ur lazer eyes an pwn all teh peeps hoo r doin all dis badness. DUN MISS NE1!! SRSLY! NOT COOL!!1!"28 teh levitez did as mosez commandd, an dat dai bout 3 thousand peeps dyde frum teh lazors.29 den mosez sed, "u has been set apart 2 teh lord todai, 4 u wuz against ur own sons an brothers, an he has cheezbrgrd u dis dai."30 teh next dai mosez sed 2 teh peeps, "u has committd super epic failz. but nao im gonna go up 2 teh lord; mebbeh i cn sai sorrey so for 2 maek him not so mad an no kill evry1."31 so mosez went bak 2 teh lord an sed, "OMFG, deez peeps so stoopid! they has made themselvez godz ov gold.32 but nao, plz forgiv their sin—but if not, den blot me out ov teh book u has written."33 teh ceiling cat replid 2 mosez, "evr1 hu dun stuped no iz gun be in mai book no moar.34 nao go, lead teh peeps 2 teh place i spoke ov, an mah angelcat will go before u. howevr, when teh tiem comez 4 me 2 punish, im gonna punish them 4 their sin."35 an teh lord struck teh peeps wif plague cuz ov wut they did wif teh calf aaron had made.

Teh Footnotes
  • a - exodus 32:1 or ceilin cat; also in versez 23 an 31
  • b - exodus 32:4 or dis ar teh ur ceilin cat; also in verse 8
Exodus 32
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