Exodus 13

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Old Testament

1 K so Ceiling Cat still yakkin at Moses n he sez 2 him he sez2 "I wantz all ur 1stborn, d00dz n beasties, da 1st thingz dat cum outta gurl-hole iz mine, kthxbai."

3 N Moses sez to his peepz, "Blog dis day dat u GTFO uf Ejipp, dat nasty sandbox nobuddy ever scoopened; how Ceiling Cat helped u GTFO wif mighty paw: no yeesty bred u can haz.4 U GTFO on dis day in munth uf Abib.5 So when Ceiling Cat has brunged u into sandbox uf Canaanites, Hitties, Amorites, Hivites n Jebusites, which He sez 2 ur daddiez dat u can haz, land flowing wit milk n hunny n cheezburgerz U shall do dis:

6 7 daze u can has only nasty icky matzoh bred n on 7th day u can haz partie 4 Ceiling Cat.7 Jus so U unnerstanz cuz I no u peepz like loopholz: 4 all 7 daze nasty unleavened matzoh u can haz; yeesty normal bred u no can eetz; no can haz regular bred wif choo n no can has it on ur landz8 N U shall splain 2 ur sonz on dat day "Itz cuz Ceiling Cat did all dis stuff 4 me when I GTFO uf Egypt, dat's worth a week uf eatzin nuttin but matzoh what make u constipatined."

9 N dis will be like a note writenz on ur paw n on ur 4head--so dat de lessinz uf Ceiling Cat be in ur mouf--dat wif mightee paw Ceiling Cat let u GTFO Ejipp.10 U will do diz evvy year OR ELSE!

11 But wait, derez more! N when Ceiling Cat brungz u into sandbox uf Canaanites, n he will cuz he promissed u n ur daddiez, n sez U can haz it,12 u setz apart for Ceiling Cat da first isshoo uf every womb: every boy firstborn dat ur moocowz drop is Celing Cat's.13 But evvy first-born donkee u haf to give me a sheep 2 get it back or u haf 2 breaks its neck till itz ded. N u haf 2 redeem ur 1stborn boy kittehs 2.14 N when ur boy kittehs growz up n sez "Why U do dat?" u say "Cuz Ceiling Cat helped us GTFO Ejipp, the sandbox nobuddy scooped.15 When Pharoah said Uh-uh u no can goez Ceiling Cat pwned evvy 1stborn in Egypt's sandbox, 1stborn uf both d00dz n beesties. So I gif 2 Ceiling Cat evvy first boy of bomb, but redeemz evvy oldest of my boy kittehs. Wake up! I'm still talking to you!

16 N so it'll be lilke a big note written in red Sharpies on ur hand n on ur 4head dat wif mighty paw Ceiling Cat sez GTFO Ejipp."

17 K so when da Pharoah letz da peepz go, Ceiling cat said don go to Philistine land, tho that's closer cuz Ceiling Cat said, "Dem peepz might shit dere pantz if dey sees war n go back 2 Ejipp."18 So Ceiling Cat took peeps on scenic root thru Sea of Reeds. The Israelites wuz packin heat out of Ejipp.

19 N Moses brunged bonez uf Joseph (remember him?) who made kittehs uf Israel do dat, cuz he said "Ceiling Cat will notice if u bringz mah bonz up with choo."

20 Dey GTFO Succoth (Booths), n camped out at Etham, near da big wildernez.21 Celing Cat went in front uf dem in a cloud in day, so dey don get lost, n as pillar uf fier at nite so dey can seez where dey goin, so dey cood travel all day n nite.22 Da cloud n da fire did not ditch them to catch a movie.

Exodus 13
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