Exodus 12

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Old Testament
I can has feast: Heer R rules

1 Ceiling Cat sez 2 Moses n Aaron:2 nao is time u can nomz sheepz. (use kung fu to killz dem.)3 I haz a recipe. Eech fambly howze maik wun sheepz fore din-dins.4 If teh fambly iz littel, den shaer a sheepz wif anodder fambli. Doan forgit: Taik al U want, but eet wat U take. Save rest 4 latr in frij kthx ... o wait no sry frij no invented yet ... forget i sed that!5 Da sheepz U cuk muss B da best EVAR no bad sheepz k6 Off dem all on da saim dai, at de saim hour, on da 14th ov da munth.7 B4 U cook, put sheepz blood on ur door fraims. Dun ask wai, trust me k?8 Den follow recipe, an eet sheepz dat niet. It haz a flavur cookd wif vegtbls. Bred yes but da yeest DO NOT WANT!9 Cuk all sheepz in fryin panz lik h00mans, no yummy raw meet 2nite.10 Lik I sez: Taik al U want, but eet all U taik. No leff-overs! srsly11 Oh, an 1 moar thing. Eet faszt, werring all ur invisible cloze. Sounz weerd? Trst mee.

12 Oh btw, dat nite, I Ceiling Cat go an pwn all Egyptians #1 sunz, uv ppl an animables. Even piggz #1 sunz.13 U Israelites sit in yr howsez w sheepz bluud on da doors, I no get U. U all liv.

14 Dis event iz nao holly dai! I kalls it Passover.15 Evry yr, U eet bred wid no yeest, or I pwnz U.16 an U meet up to sai "Oh hai Ceiling Cat, u rulz - srsly." Nobody wurk thos dayz k, unless U in da kitchen LOL.

17 Sum ov U muss B stoopid, coz I repeet 2 U.18 Eeach yr, seben dayz, no yeest in Ur bred. Is called matza it gud nom nom k.19 If U hav yeest in ur bred, den I'm in yur howze, pwning U.20 No gettin owt uv it. No scyooses. Rools be rools, k?

21 Moses he sez nao iz tyme for sheepz feest.22 Doan forgit to smeer sheepz bluud on yr doorfraimz. Vry impotent. An stay in. U is howse kittehs tonite. Lok yr catflap shutt.23 U stay in an Ceiling Cat keepz U safe, k?

24 Moses sez "U do all dis, not jist tonite25 but also aftr we get to teh promisd litter box.26 Then ur kittens goinna axskx U Y kittehs hav dese roolz.27 U tellz teh kittens uv yr litterz itz Passover!" Den Moses STFU an teh Israelite kittehs prayzz Ceiling Cat.28 Israel kittehs folloz da roolz.

29 Itz midnitez an all hell braiks loos! All teh #1 sunz of Ejipp go "Blargh I am ded".30 All uv Ejipp cry'n'cry.

Israel kats GTFO uv Ejipp

31 Dat nite, Pharaoh sez 2 Moses n Aaron "All Israel GTFO uv Ejipp nao srsly.32 Taikx ur animables 2 in dair flox. An say Hi to Ceiling Cat for me, k?"

33 Egyptians say 2 Isaelites "OMFG! go 'fore we all goz 'Blargh' ".34 So Israelites grab dair bred an karri it wif dem.35 An Israel kats asxkx Egyptians "btw we can has yr bling?"36 Dey get goald an silber bling frum Egyptians. Ceiling Cat fixd it guud.

37 Da Isaelitez GTFO from Rameseseseseses to Succoth (dat mean BOOTHS) bout 600,000 d00dz on foot, not counting lil kittehs.38 N a Meow Mix bunch o peepz GTFO wit dem 2, n lots o moocows n sheeples n goatse n stuff, flocks n herds.39 N dey maked nasty matzoh bred wif no yeest frum the no-yeest dough dey tookened outta Ejipp cuz de wuz told to GTFO uf Ejipp (but u knewz dat, rite?) n cood not delay; n dey can haz no provisions cuz Ceiling Cat no told Mosez n Aaron to tell dem to get ready but ya think dey wudda got a cloo n dun it demselves afta the 5th plague ya kno? O well.

40 Da Israelitz wuz in Ejipp 430 yearz;41 at da end uf doze 430 yearz like to the nanosecond cuz da Ceiling Cat iz superanal dat way, all da ranks uf Ceiling Cat GTFO uf Ejipp's sandbox.42 N 4 Ceiling Cat it wuz nite of watchinz; dat same nite iz Ceiling Catz, a nite to stay up n no sleepz 4 all kittehs uf Israelz.

Oh wait! Der's mor roolz

43 K n Ceiling Cat sez 2 Moses n Aaron: Dis is law uf passovah treatsies: No furriner can has cheezburger wit choo.44 But ne slavez u bot can has cheezburger wit choo after u cut off hiz 4skin YEOWTCH!45 No contracturz n no day laborerz n nobuddy who say WILL WORK 4 FOOD can haz cheezburger wit choo.

46 U can haz cheezburger in 1 house only, no to-go orders plz. No breakingz itz bonz eithur.47 All U peepz uf Israel shall has cheezburger.

48 If n a furriner who livz wit choo DO WANT cheezburger wit Ceiling Cat, all uf his d00dz must cut off dere 4skinz; den he can has cheezburger; he get citizenshipz. But no d00dz wit da 4skinz can has cheezburger.49 But dere iz 1 law 4 da citizenz n da peepz wit da green kards 2.

50 N all da Israelites did dat; as Ceiling Cat commanded Moses n Aaron, dey did dat. If dat still not kleer go back n read it gain K?51 N dat very day Ceiling Cat let the Israelites GTFO Ejipp, troop by troop.

Exodus 12
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