Deuteronomy 9

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Cateronomy 9

“Hear, O Israel! U iz goin ovr that big rivr k? U iz goin ta kik da strong cats out of theyz cat trees, theyz carpt towr strong wiz da Ceiling, kittehs big an tall, da sons of Anakim, who uz all know an herd ov othr cats sey, ‘Who finks they is bad nuff to evn fink they kin luk at Anak- SRSLY.’ “Know den todai that it iz da Ceiling Cat that chillz in frunt ov uz eyez az a awsum fire. Da Ceiling Cat will destroy them an mak them get hypnotized so that uz cn go in an tell them to GIT OUT NOW, DIS MAI HAUS! An kill them all ded, just az Ceiling Cat telz u.

“An just so uz know, da Ceiling Cat iz not giv all u kittehs theyz kitteh condo becuz u iz ossum. Ceiling Cat giv u they haus becuz they iz evl cats dat hog too much tiem in da littrbox an nevr let any other kittehs use it, that iz y da Ceiling Cat iz liek ‘WTF, GTFO!’ An becuz him wants to tell d00ds, uz dads, Abraham, Issac, an Jacob him wuz SRSLY bout that promise of cheezburgrs him said all them yrs ago.

“An just so uz know, ur gettin da kitteh condos not becuz ur ossum, becuz akshuly ur stubborn. Srsly. U try an start beef wiv da Ceiling Cat evry chance u get. WTF?!? Have da Ceiling Cat not been awsum? Him have gived all u kittehs everything an u is nothing but rebl-kittehs, makin Ceiling Cat go crazy like him can has lots ov catnip and is all ‘WTF- these kittehs are bad!’ since forever. Ceiling Cat can’t count on him paws how many tiems: Egypt, Horeb… Ceiling Cat was so mad he kud has destroyed all u kittehs. “When I went to da top of the kitteh tower in the upstares bedroom, da one dat goz up in da bump-out wid da skylite, to get da pecez of da skratch-mat dat u made wid Ceiling Cat, then I stayed liek forever, liek forty dais and forty nites wit no kibbles and bits, and no filtrd watr liek all u kittehs had. Ceiling Cat had giv me two pecez ov da scratch mat that him scratched wiv him own claw. Him scratchd all da fings him meowed with u kittehs at da high kitteh tower when there wuz da big flames. “Then the Ceiling Cat sed, ‘Get up now! Yer cats that u has bringd wit u is curupt. They don’t lissen to mai orders an think they r ossum. “Then Ceiling Cat told me that ai know them kittehs an they iz stubborn. Leave me alone and ai will destroy them kittehs an get rid of their names from the Ceiling and make u a CatNation strongr and biggr then them.

“So ai came down from da kitteh tower when it was burning with fire an ai had da two scratch pads between mai paws. “An ai saw that u had been bad kittehs to ur Ceiling Cat. WTF? WAI YOU ARE NOT LISSENING TO CEILING CAT? WAI?!? AI AM SO TIRED OF U NOT LISSENING! So, ai throwed down the scratching pads. An ai did downward- facing cat in front ov Ceiling Cat like last time, for forty dais and forty nights, and ai din’t git no kibbles an no bits AGAIN becuz you r all bad. N ai tuk ur poop skulpshur and smashed it- sry, it wuz kul, but ai wuz mad at u. “Agn u kittehs wr told by Ceiling Cat to go n take da kitteh tower him givd u, u din’t lissen. U kittehs is bad since forever. So, ai falls down agn for for forty dais and forty nights, and ai din’t git no kibbles an no bits becuz Ceiling cat sed, “AI AM KILLIN ALL THE KITTEHS! NAO!” “And sew, kittehs, I did another dwnwrd-facing cat and said “Plz Ceiling Cat, plz don’t kill dese GOOD FOR NUTHING kittehs. Cuz then they will blame u and den da hoomins won’t gv u any cheezburgrs.” “An Ceiling Cat sez, ur right, JebusCat. I iz ossum. Let dem kittehs be bad, let dem, and I WILL EAT ALL THR CHEZEBURGRS, MUAHAHAHAHA!”

Deuteronomy 9
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