Deuteronomy 7

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Old Testament

1 Oh hai itz deuteronomy 7!!!112!1@ wen teh Ceiling Cat brings youz to a place an drivez out all teh other pplz who were der befor youz-2 an wen teh Ceiling Cat haz given dem peepz to youz an you haz PWNED dem, den you must kill dem lolz. show dem no mercy from yer 1337 skillz.3 dun git married to der chikz an dudez. dun giv yer childrenz to dem,4 for dey will basikally make yer childrenz hate youz ad teh Ceiling Cat, and teh Ceiling Cat will be super-pizzed an will smite you wit his 1337 skillz.5 ok so dis iz wut you do to dem peepz: basikally be leik ALL YER BASEZ ARE BELONG TO US and den deztroy everyting.6 cuz you are loyal to teh Ceiling Cat. an teh Ceiling Cat luvz you.

7 teh Ceiling Cat din't chooze to love you cuz you had more skillz, cuz rlly you don't.8 teh Ceiling Cat saved you from teh bad stuffz bcuz he lovez you.9 teh Ceiling Cat iz prtty loyal not leik yer ex-gf or a prostitot.10 an dose who h8 him he will basikally bitch slapz, real quik.

11 so dont be hatin on teh Ceiling Cat or else you will getz bitch slapped real quik.

12 so if you do dat, den teh Ceiling Cat will luvz you ferever.13 he'll luv youz an blezz youz an give you lotz of womenz to have bbyz wit. an you'll have wine n bread n catnip n stufz.14 basikally even yer animalz will have lotz of bbyz.15 teh Ceiling Cat will be leik COLD MEDS an you'll never git sik. an all teh ppl who hate you will getz real sik.16 you hazta kill all pplz dat aren't lovin' teh Ceiling Cat. or dey'll trap youz.

17 you might be leik "AHH DESE PPLZ HAZ MORE 1337 SKILLZ DEN US. WUT WE DOZ?"18 but dunn be scareded: teh Ceiling Cat will help youz kill dem.19 you rememberz how teh Ceiling Cat saved you from teh bad stuffz, wit teh glitz n glamour. he'll kill yer enemiez wit dat same glitz n glamour.21 dun be scared bcuz i'm not even making dis up, teh Ceiling Cat iz "a great and awesome God". so giv him prpz fer dat.22 teh Ceiling Cat will kill yer enemiez, maybe a bit slowz. he can't kill dem all at once, jeez.23 but teh Ceiling Cat will give dem to youz, an you can do a lot of teh workz too.24 teh Ceiling Cat will give you der 1337-est dudez, an you will wipe der names of teh highscore lists. you'll kill dem.25 der gods pics will burn in teh fiyaz. dun give dem any moneyz, and dun take any eitherz. dat ain't cool.26 dun let one of dem into yer house. make sure you hate demz, an all will be wellz.

Deuteronomy 7
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