Deuteronomy 3

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Old Testament

Kyng Og Of Bashan Gots PWNED!

1 Nex we den tern up an ‘long tuh rode tord Bashan. An Og, keen uv Bashan, dun marshed to meets us thar wiff his hole armeh. We wuz meetin to fights, liek an epic battle liek strate outta warcraft twee or sumfin. O an we wuz meetin at a playse called Edrei or sumfin liek date.2 Ennehweh, ceiling cat dun talked to meh an told meh dat ai shant be fraid uv heem cuz Ceiling Cat sed he gonna take all his armehs and him landz and gave dem to me, so it r liek wtf roflpwned for him cuz now ai is liek win wiffout losin any mah doods. Ceiling Cat dun kept talkin an sed dat ai shood dew to Og like he dun tuh keen sihon of teh Amorites.

3 So ceiling cat gived us Og’s armehs and stuff. We pwned doze newbs like it was t3h biznazz, they wuz all like lolwut.4 We beated dem an den taekd he’s cities, there wuz bout 60 uv dem, we taekd dem all.5 All doze cities had +9000 armor wiff high walls an big gates, prolly had sum cannons tew but I don’t member6 Dey wuz epic pwnt, leik we pwns sihon and pwnz teh joomanz an the doggehs and all of demz and they sofaz.7 But all dey cheezburgahz an dey sofaz an dey cookehs we has for us-selfz.

8 and we has teh joomanz pat us on the sofaz9 (Dat sum kittahs is callun teh couch)10 All teh sofaz and teh couchuz we iz havun an gettun patted on.11 An der wuz dis big kitteh teh last big big kitteh of dem alls. An him iz has a supa big couch thas evun biggah than teh joomanz bedz by lots.

Dividin' Up Teh Landz

12 Of teh land that we took ova at teh time, I gave teh Reubinites and teh Gadites teh territory north of Aroer bye teh Arnon Gorge, including half of teh hill country of Gilead, to gether with it's townz.13 Teh rest of Gilead and also all of Bashan, teh king dumb of Og, I gave 2 teh half tribe of Manasseh. (Teh hole region of Argob in Bashan used 2 b known as a land of teh Raphaites.14 Jair, a descendant of Manasseh, took teh whole region of Argob as far as teh border of teh Gershurites and teh Maacathites; it waz named after him, so that 2 this day Bashaan is called Havvoth Jair (srsly. Go search 4 it on Google Maps.))15 And I gave Gilead 2 Makir.16 Butt 2 teh Reubinites and teh Gadites I have teh territory extendin' from Gilead down 2 teh Arnon Gorge (teh middle of teh gorge being teh border) and out 2 teh Jabbok River, which is teh border of teh Ammonites.17 It's western boarder was teh Jordan in teh Arabah, from Kinnereth 2 teh Salty Sea, b low teh slopes of Pisgah.

18 I commanded u at that time: "Teh LORD ur God has given u this land 2 take possession of it. Butt all ur able-bodied men armed 4 battle, have gots 2 cross ova ahead of ur bro Israelites.19 Butt, ur wivez, ur kittenz, and ur livestock (and I knowz u have lots of cowz!!!) may stay in teh townz I have given u20 un till teh LORD gives rest 2 ur bros as he haz 2 u, and they 2 have taken ova teh land that teh LORD ur God is givin' them, a cross teh Jordan. After that, each of u may go back 2 teh possession I have given u.

I Cannot Cross Jordan???

21 At that time I commanded Josh: "U have seen with ur own eyes all that teh LORD ur God haz done 2 these 2 kingz. Teh LORD will do teh same 2 all teh kin dumbs ova their where u r going.22 Don't be afraid of them; teh LORD ur God himself will fight 4 u!"

23 At that time I pleaded with teh LORD,24 "O LORD, u have b gun 2 show 2 ur servant ur greatness and ur strong hand. For what god is their in heaven or on Google Earth who can do teh deedz and mighty works u do?25 Plz plz plz let me go ova and sea teh good land beyond teh Jordan - that fine hill country and Lebanon. Plz?"

26 Butt cuz of u teh LORD waz angry with me and would not listen 2 me. "That's enough!" teh LORD said. "Don't speak 2 me any more 'bout this matter.27 Go up 2 teh top of Pisgah and look west and north and south and east and northwest and southwest and southeast, and north by northwest and south by southea- oh u get the idea.28 Butt commission Josh and encourage and strengthen him, 4 he will lead these peeps across and will cause them 2 inherit teh land that u will sea."29 So we stayed in teh valley near Beth Peor.

Deuteronomy 3
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