Deuteronomy 21

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Old Testament
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Cookies n' Cheezburgrs

1 If yure cookie crums iz founded in yure place, den a kitteh founded dem an him did eats dem, even tho dey is not hims. if dis happens, an nowun noes hoo eatted dem, 2 den da old guys an da wiggy guys will go on google an find ut wich toun is da closiest to da cookie crums. 3 Den dey goez dere an getz a luvy cheezburgr hoos neva been eatted an dont gots no musterd on. Dn like musterd. 4 Den dey takes da cheezburgr to a luvy garden that aint neva been moweded or not gots no flowrs or nufin, an gots a kool swimmin poowl. Dats were da hai cats is sposed to eats da cheezburgr. 5 Wen hai cats eats cheezburgrs dis a sacrofice to da Ceiling Cat. 6 Den al da old guys from da toun washes der hands to gets der cheezburgrs, but cheezburgrs dey do not get. 7 So dey say "OMFG wy yu no gets us cheezburgr taht no nice! 8 But yu guys thinx we eated yure cookie, an we cant prove yu eatted dis cheezburgr coz we no saw yu, so we guys is even kthnxbai!" an den it wuz al forgotted bout. 9 An so the Ceiling Cat iz liek "ROFL i gotz a cheezburgr from da hai catz an i luv cheezburgrs. Me no care wat happend."

If Yuse Cs a Hawt Kitteh Kat

10 If yuse wins a epic battel an stuff an yu gets lots of captureded guys, 11 an yu c a hawt kitteh that makes yu swet in funy plaecs, go fur it! 12 Buts yu gots ta maek hers shaev hers furs off an clip hers clows. 13 Wuns shes bin cryin bout her daddy dien for a munth (ruffly wun an a haf cat yeers) den yuse cans pop da qweston. 14 If shes gettin ugwy, runs away. but leev her a note or sumfin, or she will b sad fors anuver munth (ruffly wun an a haf cat yeers).

Firs Bowrnded

15 If sum guy iz reely handsum liek meh, an gets too hawt cats to mary hims, but he dun liek wun of dem, an dey al haev PENIS GOES WHERE?!? an da guy getz to behbah kittahs, an da firs wun ta be bowrnded iz mama iz da hawt kitteh da guy dun luv, 16 an den da guy haz to much cat-nip an goez nite nite, all hiz stuffs go to da reel firs bowrnded dat he dun liek da mama, xept da cat-nip, dat getz taken bai poliec (OMG dat wuz long sentins). 17 Da guy gotz ta membur, datz hims reel firs bowrnded. Dats wel obvious liek. He wuz bowrnded firs so he iz da firs bowrnded. Srsly? Na.

Da Rebel Kittehs

18 Ifs yu gotz a bahbah kitteh, an he keeps duin bad stuffs, liek steelin yure sofa an cheezburgrs, dats bad. 19 Da mama an papa shood takes hims to da old guys at da cat-flap of da houes. 20 Dey sez to old guys "diz behbah kitteh iz been bad. wat we duz to hims?" 21 Den old guys sez "we getz vrywun to fro rox ats hims. Dat teech hims to be bad kitteh!!1!!1!!eleven!!!" Dats coz we gotz to fro rox at evil guyz to scare dem away.

Oder Stuff Not to Do

22 If a bad guy iz hangeded on a twee, 23 dun leev him tehre at nitetime. Cuz den he getz cursded. An he will eatted yall. An dat gonna sting in da mowrnin.

Deuteronomy 21
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