Deuteronomy 19

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Old Testament
Cites of Hidin an Stuff

1 Wen da Ceiling Cat kills the cuntrys for da places him iz given yu, an wen yu hav goted rid of dem an livin in der touns an houses, an sittin on der sofas an stuff, 2 then yu get yuse tree cites in da midul of da place da Ceiling Cat is givin yu. An tree cheezburger factorys also. 3 Bild rods to dem and split into tree parts da place da Ceiling Cat is givin yu as a hand-me-down, so dat anyone hoo iz well bad an stuff can runz away dere.

4 Dis is da rule bouts da guy hoo iz well bad an stuff an runz away dere to stop oder guys doin bad stuff to hims - a guy hoo killz anoder guy buy acidend, an becums a sadcat. 5 Mayb likes, da guy goez woodz choppin, an wen he swingz da ax, da oder guy seez a peny and pix it ups and getz iz hed choperd. da choper can runz away to wunz a deez cites. 6 if him dont, sumwun mite comez to chase hims, coz hims is an angrycat. Himz mite getz too fast, and catch da guy. 7 Dats wy da Ceiling Cat wants yuse to bild da cites.

8 if da Ceiling Cat makes yuses place lotz bigger, az he told yuses foredaddys, an givz yuse the places hims told dem him would, 9 coz yuse didz watz da Ceiling Cat sedz - to lufs da Ceiling Cat an to walk like him does - then yuse get tree more cites. An tree more cheezburger factorys also. 10 Do dis soz dats good guys body juces wilnt b driblin on yure places, which da Ceiling Cat is givin yu as a hand-me-down did i say, soz that yuse dont hav to dribels oder guys body juces.

11 But if a guy dont like an oder guy, an tels fibbies to him, hurts and makes his body juces dribel, an den goez to wun of dem cites, 12 da old guys of hims toun shall call him on a mobiel, tell hims to getz a bus homes, and makes hims watch al da Star Wars filmz togeter. Wif odio comentery. 13 Dont b sory. Hims waz bads. Iz k. yuse gota getz rids of da bad guys in Izreal hoo maek body juces dribul, soz that yuse iz al happycats.

14 Dont b sneeky in tryin to make yure places bigger. Iz bad. Srsly

Guyz Hoo C Stuff an Stuff

15 If wun guy cs bad suffs happen, it dont count. gots to hav tree guys c it. Or set ups a camrecordr. both r gud.

16 Ifz a guy sez an oder guy did sumfin he didn do, iz bad. Coz him lyin. 17 Dem to guyz gots ta stand in frunt of - or below kinda - da Ceiling Cat. An da religin guyz an da wiggy guyz dat r workin wen da Ceiling Cat iznt busy. 18 The wiggy guyz tri to figur out hoo is da bad guy. Kinda liek Cluedio. If da guy hoo cs iz lyin, 19 den do to hims wat he wantd to do to da oder guy. yuse gots ta getz rida these bad guys. Srlsy. 20 Da rest of da guyz will here bout dis stuff an stuff and deyll b wel scared and stuff. Dey wel wont do nufin bad or nufin. 21 Dont be sad: lief fur lief, ai fur ai, toof fur toof, paw fur paw, tale fur tale. Srsly.

Deuteronomy 19
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