Deuteronomy 18

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Cheezburgrz fur hai catz an Levis

1 Teh hai catz of Levi r 2 be out of litterbox. Insted tehy shud offuh thingies by fire to Ceiling Cat.2 No has inheritz from other peepz; Ceiling Cat iz them inheritz, as he sez to tehm.

3 Them get thingies liek shoulders an whisker-pouches and lifetime's supply of Friskis treatz.4 U iz not hai cat, u giv hai cats ur first ricez, sum alkol an oil, an ur first wool.5 Coz Celing cat pikz them and you can has not say DO NOT WANT; and dey honorsez teh name of Ceiling Cat alwayz.

6 Ifs a Levi dude moovs away frum yure place wer yu liv an stuff, an wans ta go to da plaec da Almitee Ceiling Cat sez ta go,7 hims may minstur in da naem of da Ceiling Cat (Steven btw) liek al da oder Levis do. Iz fun.8 Buts him gotsta shaer al hims cashes an stuff, evn if hims sels hims stuff for moer cash, cuz itz fair. Srsly.

Wat not ta do in da Holy Place

9 When u comez into land, do not copy evil stuffs, teh ppl of them iz evil an they readz patternz in teh kitty litter dat IZ NOT THERE. 10 No rings of fier either, for dey is bad fier, an no Dumbily-dooors, no Potterz, esp no Voldemorts. 11 For teh wizards iz all abominations, an Celing Cat stix them out teh cat flap wiv teh rain beat down. Be purrfect, standard. For teh evil ppls hearken unto teh Trelawney an say, look unto ur ball of crystal, oh so bright, tell me wot youse see. 12 But dese magishuns iz bad. Dey pull long-eered kittah fud out der hats. Ony Ceiling Cat iz to do dat. But Celing Cat iz gud an him gets rid of da bad guys for yuse. Cuz him good. 1 13 But yuse better b gud to, or yu gona gets choppered like Rom Weasel.

Thiz Profut Guy Evrywuns Tokin Bout

14 Da bad guys yuse is gonna gets rid of lisun to J. K. Rowling Stones. But Ceiling Cat says "no way hosay!" 15 Den, if you iz really, really gud, teh Ceiling Cat will raise up his prophet, lookin a bit liek me only not quite sososo handzome, 16 an all u unwurthies wanted in Horeb, when youse said 'lord o lord i doan wan' see fier no maw'. 17 Ceiling Cat waz much teh happycat bout thiz. 18 I will breathe mi commands in hiz gobhole and he will be mi puppet boy. 19 An you betta obeys him, or i cals yuse ups on ma mobiel an tel yuse to open a checkin acount! Or sumfin. 20 Other profets is is bad tho, very bad. It'z so liek OMG WTF I IZ CEILING CAT AN I DIDZ NOT SAY THAT!?!

21 I hear you assssk, how youse no wich profets real an wich ones fake? Work it out, silly. Onli listen teh ones who maek things come troo and not teh ones who speak presumptuicitudinally. Unles dey iz wel luky an stuff. Eezee, neh?

Old Testament
Deuteronomy 18
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