Deuteronomy 16

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Contents

Passoevr

1 U celebratz Passoevr of Ceiling Cat, k?2 U sacrifisz to Ceiling Cat were Ceiling Cat sez.3 Fur sevn daiz, u eatz only stael cat fud, so u remembrz bad stuff, k?4 No new cat fudz fur sevn daiz, k? An dont waest da sacrfis, k?

5 U no sacrfisz to Ceiling Cat anywerz,6 eksept were Ceiling Cat sez. U gotta sacrifs dere wen it getz dark an stuf.7 U eatz sacrfis were Ceiling Cat sez. Den u goez bak to couch, k?8 Fur six daiz, u eatz stael cat fud. Den on next dai, wurshp Ceiling Cat an dun do nuffin.

Feest ov weekz

9 U start cuttin teh grass den u waitz for seven weekz, k?10 Den u eat big feast, an make offerinz to Ceiling Cat, oen offerinz for evry cheezburger11 Den u rejoise befor Ceiling Cat, srsly. U an ur sons an daughters an ur servants an kittehs an teh ALIENS FROM OUETR SPACE.12 Remember u wer all slaves in Ejipp. Srsly.

Teh Feast ov tabernaclez

13 celebrate teh feast ov tabernaclez 4 7 dais aftr u has gatherd teh produce ov ur threshin floor an ur winepres.14 be joyful at ur feast - u, ur sons an daughters, ur menservants an maidservants, an teh levitez, teh aliens, teh fatherles an teh widows hoo liv in ur towns.15 4 7 dais celebrate teh feast 2 teh lord ur ceilin cat at teh place teh lord will choose. 4 da lord ur ceilin cat will bles u in all ur harvest an in all teh werk ov ur hanz, an ur joy will be complete.16 3 tiems yer all ur doodz must appear before teh lord ur ceilin cat at teh place he will choose: at teh feast ov unleavend bread, teh feast ov weekz an teh feast ov tabernaclez. No man shud appear before teh lord empty-handd:17 each ov u must brin gift in proporshun 2 teh wai teh lord ur ceilin cat has blesd u.

Judgez

18 appoint judgez an officials 4 each ov ur tribez in evry town teh lord ur ceilin cat iz givin u, an they shall judge teh peeps fairly.19 do not pervert justice or show partiality. Do not accept bribe, 4 bribe blindz teh eyez ov teh wize an twists teh werdz ov teh righteous.20 follow justice an justice alone, so dat u cud liv an posess teh land teh lord ur ceilin cat iz givin u.

Worshipin othr godz (DO NOT WANT!)

21 do not set up any wooden asherah pole [b] beside teh altar u build 2 teh lord ur ceilin cat,22 an do not erect sacrd stone, 4 thees teh lord ur ceilin cat hatez.

Teh Footnotez
  • a - Deuteronomy 16:6 or down, at teh tiem ov dai
  • b - Deuteronomy 16:21 or do not plant any tree dedicatd 2 asherah
Deuteronomy 16
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