Deuteronomy 12

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Old Testament
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Teh One Place fer Worshippin

1 Dees are teh rulez joo gotta use n ceiling cats land: 2 Dem other nayshuns has playses where they be worshippin kittiez dat arent ur ceiling cat. Joo gotta smash dem places, no matta if dey on teh mountenz or under teh trees. 3 Eated their altars, broked teh stones dey use to talk to teh other kitties, burn teh Asherah poles (even if joo doesn't know wtf an asherah powl is); teh fake kitteh statues gotta be smashed, and teh kittehs names gotta be erased too!

4 Joo bettah not be worshippin ceiling cat the way dey worshipped dem false kittehs. 5 Finds a place dat is gonna be ceiling cat's fayvrit and putted his name dere. Joo gotta goes to dat place; 6 bringz burnded stuffs for yer ceiling cat, he lieks teh presents, bring teh stuffs you said youd give him, and if yer moocows has babies, bring teh first babies they has. 7 Go there so ceiling cat can watch joo and ur fambly has ur cheezburgers and has happiness, cuz ceiling cat, he gived joo teh real cheezburgers.

8 Srsly dont be eatin all teh cheezbrgrs jus yet.9 Cos u not yet at teh place Ceiling Cat sed u can has.10 U gotta cross teh river Jordan first, den u can has cheezbrgrs n naps n Ceiling Cat will make ur enemies go awai. 11 O AND bringz all dem presents n cookies like Ceiling Cat sed too.12 Then u can maik big partee for Ceiling Cat, n invite ur kittens n tomcatz n stuff too.13 But be rememberin only to burnd stuff where Ceiling Cat sed n not jus any old place14 Cos dats teh wai Ceiling Cat likez it

15 U can has nun cheezburger stufs ennywer.16 but wiv nuh catsup, u no kep catsup, u thrw away teh sawz.17 U no can eat cheezburger wich r 4 CEILING CAT u gief dem two him, promiz kthxbai.18 u nd ur kids cn unly om nom nom nom cheezburger wen CEILING CAT is waching u masturbate nd wen u hapy.19 shur wiv teh loldogz n mek sur dey can haz cheezburger two.

20 wen CEILING CAT giefs joo moar stufz, u can haz lotz uv cheezburger.21 If speshul plaice r two fur awai, CEILING CAT nut neded :( 4 eting cheezburger :)22 ennyone can haz cheezburger evvin if they be smellin.23 SRSLY, STILL NO CATSUP24 u thrw awy teh sawz agen.25 Dis r mek ceiling cat teh happy and he be niec to joo and ur frendz26 Srsly, gief ceiling cat teh cheezburger at teh speshul place unly kthx.27 u r put teh cheezburger on teh fier so ceiling cat can reach cheezburger nd be hapy28 Wen Ceiling cat iz hapy nd u are dun diz, he mek u nd frendz hapy 2.

Do not want uvver cats, srsly

29 Ceiling cat gief u uvver peppuls cheezburger.30 But u not be want uvver peppulz kitteez tht r not teh ceiling cat or teh real ceiling cat are fier his lazr on u and u r die31 Do nt mek ceiling cat cheezburger liek teh uvver peppul do beccuz tht r bad and ceiling cat no liek pickle on burger. dey even gief ceiling cat ded kittehz and he no like teh kittehz 2 be deaded

32 Do not chnge dis or ceiling cat r mad and no gief cheezburger 2 u and he strt to chrge his lazr, srsly, plzkthnxbai.

Deuteronomy 12
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