Deuteronomy 11

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Old Testament


Luv and Obei da Ceiling Cat

1 <3 teh CEILING CAT, da peeper of masturbationz, wit all ur <3, and keep his lawls and his commandzors 4eva. Srsly.
2 Memberz tat ur kittens 2day was not teh ones who sawed and EXP-ed the Invisible Wrath of da CAT your pwn0rer (plz n00b): his hax, his mighty peeping eyez, his outstretched paw;
3 the cheezburgers he gived (but not eated himselfz) and teh things he dided in the <3 of Egyptz, both to Feline king of Egyptz and to his base;
4 wat he dided to the Egyptian d00dz, how he pwned them with teh watah of teh showerz as they was chasin' joo, and how teh CEILING CAT eated their cheezburgers 4eva n eva (AMEN PLZ)
5 It wered not ur kitties who sawed what he dided for joo in teh litter box 'til u comed to dis place,
6 and wat he dided to Dathan and Abiram, kittehs of Eliab the Reubenitez, when teh Urths opened its mouth in teh middlez of Israel and eated them up (yumm), their litter boxz and all their cheezburgers. Srsly, it happen.
7 But it waz ur own eyez tat sawed all da cheezburgers Ceiling Cat gived.

8 Lookz at da commandzors I are commandin' you, so that joo may has da powah to go and take ova da bases tat you is crossing da Jordan to take (Ceiling Cat sez "Im in ur base killing you d00dz"),
9 An soz that you may live long-time in base of Ceiling Cat, a land flowing with meowmix an cheezburgers. Srsly.
10 Teh base you is being in to take ova is not like teh landz of Egyptz where you eated good kat-nip and fishies,
11 But teh base you are being in the Jordan to take ova is a base of mountainz and valleys tat drinkz runoff waterz from da ceiling. Iz good.
12 It are a base the CEILING CAT liekz; the watching eyez of the CEILING CAT are always watching it, 'specially teh mastubatorz.

13 Eef uz obay CEILING CAT wit alls yourz 3>,
14 CEILING CAT wil give uz rainz, so u kan gro kropz,
15 and CEILING CAT wil give uz beefs, so u can haz cheezburgers all teh timez.
16 Watch yo selvz. Der ist ownlee one CEILING CAT!
17 Srsly. U can no has cheezburgers if uz dont respekt CEILING CAT.
18 Dont ferget thees shitz.
19 Tel ur childz not 2 ferget thees shitz aitherz. Tel demz twoo tiemz a day.
20 Rite theez on ur dorz,
21 and u will has kittiez liek whoa.
22 If uz doo wat CEILING CAT sez,
23 Then CEILING CAT wil maek theirz bases belong to uz.
24 All teh base wil belong to uz: frum Lebanon, to teh river, to teh sea, all theez base wil belong to uz.
25 No ones can stop uz. CEILING CAT wil skare their d00dz.

26 Today I givez u a cheezburger and a sqirt gunz:
27 Teh cheezburger eef u obayz CEILING CAT,:
28 Teh sqirt gun eef uz fuk CEILING CAT ovrz. Srsly.:
29 wen teh ceiling cat giefs u cheezburgr, u r thnk ceiling cats niec gifz frm teh top ov muntin nd curz frm uva muntin tht is bad kthx? :
30 (muntins r neer wuttur n trez k?):
31 u r abbut 2 cruz wuttur 4 cheezburger so do as CEILING CAT sez 4 u no get cheezburger ur uva niec fingz if u no lissen. :

Deuteronomy 11
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