Daniel 9

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Old Testament
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Liek, Daniel's Praying

1 In teh furst yeer ov Darius hoos dis gui Ahasuerus's sun (liek, him iz a Mede, don be hatin), hoo tooken teh Babylonian's cookiez.2 An ai, Daniel (sorri, ai forgetz so much, lol. mebbe i shud lays off teh catnipz.) undrstood teh writtingz ov teh old Jewcatz! OMG! An liek, dis gui Jeremiah wuz sez Jerusalem wud be n ruinz for looooong tiem, liek, ten cat yrs!3 Den I lokked at teh Ceiling Cat an prayed lots an wore rilly shabbi clothz an dey wuz itchy. Ai got durt on mah fayce too cuz ai nawt worthiii.

4 Ai prayed to teh Ceiling Cat an sed,

"O Ceiling Cat, ur awsum Ceiling Cat! Liek, u keepz ur promizez dat u luv all hoo luv u an obey u!

5 We did bad tings. Liek, we r rilly bad pplz! We nawt listun to ur lawz.6 We nawt listun to ur speshul pplz an ur chosed pplz, who sed 'hai ur awsum' to teh kignz an prencez an fadderz an all teh kittehz.

7 O Ceiling Cat, u r rilly gud, butt we r nawt. Us pplz, teh kittehz ov Judah an Jerusalem an Israel, an we r all ovr teh playce cuz we wuz stupidz an wrongz an maed teh Invisibul Errorz.8 O Ceiling Cat, we r rilly embarussded cuz we did bad.9 Ceiling Cat, ur so nice an u giv us sekund chans, evn tho we dun listun to u,10 we r nawt listun to Ceiling Cat or teh wurdz u gav ur speshul pplz.11 Awl ur kittehz dun wrong an dun listun.

 "Das wai teh curses an jugmntz dat teh Basketcat wrot bout, u no, ur speshul gui, r poorded awt on uz, becuz we done teh Invizibul Errorz. 12 U did wut u sed u wud do if we done teh bad tingz! Iz all on teh pplz an kignz n stuff bad fortunz. Liek, nobodi els undur ur ceilingz haz dis rilli bad stuffz happen to der playces liek wut happen to Jerusalem.13 Liek it wuz wrote in law of Basketcat, all dis disasturz happen! Butt we nawt askin ur favorz (or flavorz) an listunin to teh Ceiling Cat trufs.14 An Ceiling Cat dun nawt wayt to bringz teh bad stuffz to uz, cuz teh Ceiling Cat iz has right, lol. Him iz alwayz rite, but we dun listun. Liek, ai dunno wai, rilly!

15 "Naow, O Awsum Ceiling Cat, hoo brot ur kittehz out of Egypt wid a mity paw an maek urself awsum naem taht we uze naow, we done teh Invisibul Error, we done wrong.16 O Ceiling Cat, cuz ur so gud to us bfore, plz dun be mad at us nemore. Plz let us hav teh awsum playce ov Jerusalem, ur speshul citi, ur speshul hillz. Liek, teh Invisibul Errorz ov us an our daddehz maed ur awsum citi a rilly awful citi to evryon elze.

17 "Naow, O Ceiling Cat, did u hear mai prayrz? Plz heer dem! An, O Ceiling Cat, plz liv in ur speshul playce dat is naow empti.18 Plz listun, O Ceiling Cat, open ur aiz an see teh wrex ur city haz! We dun pray cuz we gud pplz, we pray cuz ur rilly nice.19 O Ceiling Cat, listun! O Ceiling Cat, plz be nice! O Ceiling Cat, heer an act! Plz dun delay, Ceiling Cat, becuz ur citi an ur pplz haz ur naem.

Teh Sevnty Sevnz (liek, dere be lotz ov numberz lol)

20 Liek, whil ai wuz prayin an talkin, sayin taht we wuz wrong in maeking Invisibul Error an maeking requezzt to Ceiling Cat for him speshul playce,21 wile ai wuz still prayin, dat gui frum befor, Gabriel, liek, floo at mi when it wuz tiem for teh dinnurz.22 An he sed, "Hai Daniel, I giv u undrstndingz, k?23 Liek, when u furst prayed, Ceiling Cat answurded, cuz ur rilly awsum, lol. So listun to mi, k?24 Sevnty sevns (liek, ai tink him meanz "week", butt him dun sez netingz) r set for ur pplz an ur citi to quit maeking teh Invisibul Error. An yuz needz sayz yur sorryz an be gud pplz. An yuz needz to see hoo iz teh speshul pplz an maek dem rilly speshul.

25 "Liek, u needz to undrstandz dis, k? From teh tiem dat dere be ordurz to maek Jerusalem nice until Cat wtih teh importunt gui, coemz, dere be sevn ov dese sevnz, an sixti-two sevnz. An teh citi will hav rohdz an ditch, butt it wuz built in rilly trubbled tiemz.26 An afturz teh sixti-two sevnz, teh importunt gui will haz nuttin becuz him wuz cut off. An teh pplz hoo haz teh rulurz will coem an trashy teh citi an teh speshul playce. An teh endz coemz liek rilly fast bathwaturz, dere be warz till teh endz, an evrybodi noze abowt it.27 An him haz favorz wit mani for un sevn. An in teh middle ov teh sevn him sez, "no moar givin teh cheezburgerz to teh Ceiling Cat!" An den him maekz a rilly bad ting dat maekz pplz do teh Invisibul Error, till him haz bad end liek we sed him haz."

Daniel 9
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