Daniel 5

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Old Testament
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Belshazzar Iz Pwnd By Ceiling Cat

1 Kai so, iz long tim laterz an da king Nebucanezr iz gon an hiz son Belshazzar iz now kink (C! Iz no worriz caus hiz haus stll not fallz down! srsly i tol u it wuz big an stron! now believ! kthxbai). K. So Belshazzar (thas his nom) is hazing huuug nom nom nom wid all hiz peepz.

2 Kai. So Belshazzar iz drinkins wid hiz BFFs, wifes an lovrs an thinx LOL! He sais, "Hai! Letz toast an drinkz from all teh Ceiling Catz base my dad gotz from Jeruzalem! KTHXBAI."

3 Uh, yeh. So thaz whut thay did.

4 K. So evry1 drankd and toastd 2 teh gods of top base, sum base, an othr base, evn iron an wood an evn sum stonz. Whutevrz.5 Srsly. This nxt part iz WTF. Kai, checkit outz. Da paw of Ceiling Cat cumz dn an scratchz on da wall, liek, frum nowehre. So scairy.6 Da kink lozt it. Srsly. Hiz knees ccom all wobbly hard core an he fergetz da kitty litter. Iz rlly scary!!!!7 Da king crys to his pozrs n playaz, "WHUT DUZ IT MEEN!!!!! I GIVE ALL MY BASE AND MAK U THRD BFF IF U TELLZ ME!!!" 8 Complet silenz...

9 Srsly. Da party wuz coo but not iz ovr.10 Then teh queen, da head o da pussycatz, cumz in, sez, "O kink, chill."11 Teh queen sez, "Derz diz L33T cat Daniel who pwnd all ur dadz BFFS. U shuld bring him d00de.12 Ur dad namezd him Belteshazzar. An diz cat pwnd all catz. Scratches evrythg. Goez outsid whenvr. All yarn fearz diz cat. I geetz him?

13 Kai. So. Teh Daniel comez and Belshazzar sez, "Iz u dat Jewcat Daniel mai fathr knewt frum b4?

14 Ur rep is knownt stll 2dis day wid mai peepz. Ur wize. Ur l33t. Ur xclnt."

15 I seenz it. Diz cat skratchz on da wall, no of mai peepz can tellz.

16 U tellz me da intepretashun an I give u base and therd BFF!"

17 Butt Daniel sez, "Kins, u keep ur base an BFF, but I tellz u da troot from da wall.

18 "Oh kink, da ceiling cat givz ur dadz all da base frum evrywehr.

19 He pwnd every1 evrwehr. He adotpd sum kittehs he liekd an SPCA'd wunz he hatered.

20 Sumtiems Ceiling Cat pwnd ur dad, esp. wehn he gotz 2 big fer hiz littrbx.

21 Ur dad wuz trown frum da hous. He eated mouses an hunted wid all da kittehz till he reprezent wid da Ceiling Cat again.

22 U knewd all diz, O hai, Belshazzar, WTF. Ur stll a playah kitteh.

23 WTF. U giev teh Ceiling Cat goldz and other base 2ur BFFs, an toastd it all outz widout praize! Ceiling Cat not pleezd.

24 So. Da paw u seez wuz teh paw of Ceiling Cat an herre scratchd whut he scratchd:

25 MEOW, MEOW, TEKEMEOW, UPHARSMEOW.

26 An haer iz mah interptayshn ov da skratchz: MEOW: Ceiling Cat sez, u haz coughed up ur last hairball.

27 TEKEMEOW: Ur kingdum iz WTF. U loze.

28 PERES: WTF? PERES? Whuzzat skratchd?? Nvrmind. Ur kingdum iz mine now wid sum noo kittehs. Dey be calld da Medes and da fluffy, white Persians. So cute!!!!!!!!!!! KTHXBAI!

29 In dat night wuz Belshazzar the Chaldean kink wuz put down. Hiz root PWD wuz bahleetd.

30 And now all Belshazzarz base are belong to Darius (who wuz about 9 in reel cat yearz).

Daniel 5
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