Amos 9

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Old Testament
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Israel getz pwned LOL

1 I seeded Ceiling Cat standin by teh altr, an he wuz liek:
 "Hit teh topz of teh pillrz
 so teh whoal door shaekz.
 Maek dem fall down on evribodiz hedz
 an if enniwun iz left I wil kil dem wif teh sword LOL.
 No wun wil escaep,
 no wun wil escaep.
2 Dey can digz to teh bottm of teh graev,
 but i wil catch dem LOL.
 Dey can cliem up to hevn,
 but i wil pullz dem down.
3 Dey can hied on teh top of teh mountn,
 I wil get dem eniwai.
 Dey can hied at teh bottm of teh oshin,
 I wil maek a snaek biet dem LOL.
4 Evn if deir enemiz drievz dem awai,
 I wil hav sumwun kil dem wif a sword.
 I wil look at dem
 an maek dem sad."
5 Ceiling Cat, teh all-powrful Ceiling Cat,
 who touchiz teh urthz and maekz it melt LOL,
 an evribodi in it is liek "O noes!",
 maeks teh land riezis liek a rivr
 den sink liek a rivr
6 Ceiling Cat bildz an awsum house in teh ceiling
 wif a basement on teh ground,
 he taekz all teh watr from teh oshin
 an poorz it on teh urths
 Ceiling Cat iz hiz naem.
7 "U iz Israelites, riet?
 Liek teh Cushites?"
 sez Ceiling Cat.
 "Didint I bringz Israel up from Egypt,
 teh Philistines from Caphtor
 an teh Arameans from Kir? Didint I?
8 "Ceiling Ct iz lookin
 at dat bad kingdm.
 I wil destroi it
 an wiep it off teh faec of teh urths
 but i iz not gonna destroi
 all Jacob's famili,"
 sez Ceiling Cat.
9 "I wil giv teh ordr,
 an shaek hiz hous
 amng all teh othr countriz
 liek salt in a shakr LOL,
 an nothin wil fal out.
10 All teh bad peeplz
 wil die bai teh sword,
 evriwun who sez
 'We is saef LOL.'

Israel gets puttid bak

11 "When dat happnz I wil put
 Davidz tent bak up.
 I wil fix it,
 fix it riet up,
 liek it use to be,
12 so dat dey can get bak whatz left of Edom
 an all teh countriz dat iz naemd aftr me,"
 sez Ceiling Cat. He wil do it, too.
13 "Teh tiem iz comin," sez Ceiling Cat,
 "when teh farmz will get all confusded
 espeshli teh wunz plantin graepz.
 Wien wil run from teh mountnz
 an all teh hillz LOL.
14 I wil let Israel com hoem;
 to fix up dere citiz.
 Dey wil maek wien;
 an cookiez mm.
15 I wil send dem hoam,
 an dey can stai dere dis tiem
 in teh land I givded dem,"
 sez Ceiling Cat.

Amos 9
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