Acts 8

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New Testament

1 An' Sawl wuz der, givin' uproovl to hiz deth.

T3h Church, it Wuz Scattereded

An' on dat day inn Jerryslam, a purskewshun goed on in t3h church, an' all uv da kittehs 'cep fur da Possles wer sCATerd two Judy or Sammyra. 2 Sum nais catz madeded a berrial foar 5tephen, an' dey wer sadz, sayin' stiuffz liek "WAI DID YEW HAV TWO GOEZ?!?"3 But dose kitties, dey wer distracteded becawz Sawl stardeded two kyl da church! He putteded all da church-goen kitties in jael.

Filip, he Went Two Sammy

4 Dose catz who got scaterd toald evrybodee dey met 'bout T3h Word. So Filip, he went two Sammyra and preechd der too.6 Win da udder kittehs frum Sammy sawd Filip doin CEILIN' CAT MAGIC! (but wuz not majik, wuz merukel, silee!) Dey pade atenshun two him.7 And dose catz wit EBUL! spearits in der heart, dey wer frede, but not befoar EBUL! spearits maded laod noies. And also, da cripplz and da parliddikz wer heeld.8 So der wuz graet joi in dat sidee.

Simon, He Wuz Soarcer

9 So dis cat naimd Simon, he livd in Sammyra foar long time. He wuz teh MAGIC!cat, but also wuz cawld Soarcer, bekuz is shorter den MAGIC!cat. But ineewais, he makeded da kitties uv Sammyra liek hiz trix, an' he cawld hizzelf Cool Cat,10 an' bofe rich an' pore kittehs gaev all der atenshun two him. Dey sed, "Dis gai iz liek Ceiling Cat!"11 An' dey folloed him bekuz he makeded shainee majikz.12 But win Filip got der, an' he spakeded about Ceilin' Cat an' Jeebus, an' all da catz gots baptized, even t3h gurl-catz!13 Even Soarcer Simon beleevd an' wuz baptaizd. An' he folloed Filip evrywer, an' he wuz amazd and razldazld bai all da merukels and sains he sawd.

Acts 8
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