Acts 17

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New Testament
Ins teh Thesolonicaz

1 So den Paul and Silas goed thru da townz Amfiypolis and Apollonia til dey gotz to Thessalonica (wich iznt lyk teh saloon car cuz tehy werent nventd yet) and there wuz a Jooish senogawg.2 so cuz Paul alwyz did it, he goed to servcs fer lik tree wks and telled it to da ppl wut the bibul mean.3 he wuz splainin bout da profizzies bout jebus all bout wif him and the dying and all den Paul wuz like "dis Jebus he iz messiyuh! lik he wuz da littel kitteh of Ceiling Cat!"4 sum ppl were lik yeah ok i blv u and lotz of dem were da Greeks who usually blvd in da lotz of da godz. sum important ladiez also blvd.

5 so da Joos who dint convert wuz jealuz. dey get dem sum gangstas and thugs and r up to no good. bad kittehs. dey attack Jasun's howse cuz dey wuz lookin fur Paul and Silas prob to beat dem up.6 good fur dem, dey wuz not there but Jason wuz since it wuz his howse and all. da jewz r all like bringin da christians to da mayor and stuff and r like "dese guys are nfringin on chuck norris coppyrite by turning world upside down!7 and dis guy Jasun let dez foolz in hiz howse and lettin dem eat hiz meow mixy! dey r treazoning Cezzar cuz dey have da jebus king."8 and dey made crowd frown and de rulers loos it.9 so dey made dem pay bail, cuz de rulers wuntd a hay bail for to playz in, and dey let dem go (for now).

10 and so Paul and Silas fledd to Berea liek scorlded kittehs, cuz the crystians in Thessalonica noo twuznt saif. n P&S went to de sinogog soonas dey got dere.11 n de kittehs in de senogawg wuz moar opun-mihnded n lisend to wut Paul Silas had to say n checkt it agenst de scripchas evry dai.12 so luts beeleevt n so did de Greax, famus ladi kittehs and men kittehs.13 but de Jooz who Did not want Paul an Silas camz to Berea n wuz in the crowd, baleeting ur support.14 so de crystians maded Pawl go to teh sea for sneek excaep cuz even bein wetz iz beta dan bein mobbd. but Silas n Timothy staid in Berea.15 den de kittehs hu halpd Paul excape tuk him to Athenz n tol Siliz n Timoty to ketchup.

Ins Teh Athenz

16 an Paul sawded to many idols wen him wuz waytin an it maed him reel cross an hiz tayl puffded up.17 an so he goed to de senogawg (cuz he reali lieked to goed to da senagawg) an argud (nislee) wit de Jooz an de Jentiels. an he goed to market (but not to bi fat pig cuz he wuz Joo) evri day an argud thar to (cuz he wuz gud at converting dat way).18 an e even met sum Epicureans (hu lieked plezhur) an Stoics (hu shoded no emoshun an reali wuz antiemos) an sum insulted him but uthaz wuz intrested an sez "himz meowin bowt godz from forren lans!" cuz he wuz talkin bout Jebus an how he cam bak to life.19 Den dey tookz Paul to teh meetsins of teh Aeropagus an dey wuz all liek "Wtf is yu teachinz!!?? Wai yu teach itz heer?20 We dunno wats it meens yu shouldz tellz or goez homez!!!"

21 (al teh peeps in teh citeez no do notings but tawlkz an litsin. dey no even has job!! dey dadz r al leik "Yu needz job!" butz dey al liek "Stfu dad!! Do not want!!")

22 Den Paul gotz ups en frunt ov teh meetings an sedz "Oh hai peeps! Yuz al reel riligus. Yuz be prayin to al kidns ov stufz23 Yuz evn prayin to sum unnown Ceiling Cat. Buts litsens ups Iz learns yu teh trufs! Srsly!!!"

24 "Ceiling Cat made teh hows an evryting ins itz! Him is teh Lords ov teh Ceiling an teh Urth. Teh Ceiling Cat no liv in templ buildz bai cats.25 Ceiling Cat no needz us servings Him wit r pawz. Dats cuz teh Ceiling Cat givid us lif, teh cheezburger an teh cookie to eated an evryting els in the Urth!!26 Him maked al teh catz frum one cat. Al teh Minxez an teh Tabbyz an teh Saimez. An teh Ceiling Cat sez teh whenz an teh werz we iz liv.27 Teh Ceiling Cat donez so we iz looked for himz!! An is trai to fainds hims!!28 Sum ov teh rymin peeps sedz we is Hims Kittehs."

29 "Cuz wez teh Ceiling Cats kittehs He no looks leik goldz, silbur, or evens cheezburger! Teh Ceiling Cat iz lookz leik kittehs!!! (Dats wai dey calls him Ceiling CAT!)30 Ceiling Cat used no car wut us tink. Buts now Ceiling Cat do not want!!!!31 Teh Ceiling Cat sedz himz gona judge we sum dai. An Judge mai sownd leik fudge but iz nt az fun r delishus. Ceiling Cat is giv us proof bai bringin teh ded kittehs bak to liv!"

32 An when teh peeps herd ov teh ded kittehs commin bak to liv most wuz liek "No wai!! No bileev!!" But sum wuz liek "Plz learns us bout teh judgins!!"

33 Den Paul left teh cowncil. An a bunch ov peeps folowingz him. Dey wuz Dionysius an sum gurl cald Damaris an a hol buncha oter peeps.

Acts 17
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