Acts 13

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1 And Ceiling Cat'z church had proffits and teachers and ninjas and stuff, like Barnabas and that Simeon guy, Lucius (not frum Harry Potter, nother guy), and Manean (wuz bff wif Herod when they wuz kidz). O ya, and Saul, cuz he rox.2 Wun tiem, dey wuz singing meows 2 teh Ceiling Cat and not eating cheezburgrz and Ceiling Cat sez, "I get dibbs on Barnabas and Saul to do mah chores, kthx".3 Den all teh church kittehs sez 2 Barnabas and Saul, "Yus heard him. Hav funs. An hey Ceiling Cat, plz keep dem sayf, kthxbye."

4 So Barnabas and Saul rode invisible bikes alls around n followd direckshuns HovrCat gav dem. Dey went ta some place whut start wif S an den Cyprus.5 Den dey went to Salamis (wtf, leik at teh deli mebbe?) an dey talk about Jezus 2 da J00s. And John wuz der halper, srsly.

6 Dey went all round eylend til dey got to Paphos. At Paphos dey met a J00 sorcerah, oh noes!! Him name wuz Bar-Jezus,7 and him werk 4 mr. proconsul mans. Proconsul wuz smrt an wuz liek "I can has word of Ceiling Cat frum Saul an Barnabas?"8 But da sorcerah wus like "Noes, cuz dey is stoopid."9 Den Saul (hiz othr nam wuz Paul) got teh power-up frum HovrCat an sez,10 "Yu r horrible an bad, sorcerah. Yu nevar does anyfing good and tricks everbuddy all teh teim. When wills yu stop tryin to maek Ceilin Cat luk bad?11 Ceiling Cat will claw out your eyes, for reals, cuz he iz pissed at yoo."

11 And, no duh! Teh sorcerah wuz blinded. Him tried to find sumone to halp him, but nobuddy wud.12 Teh procunsol sez "Dis is Ceiling Cat, srsly. Whut Paul sez bout him is tru."

13 Meanwhiels, Paul and da otter d00dz gotted in boats n went 2 Perga. John sed bai an went hoem.14 But everoen els wuz liek "j/k Perga" and goes to Pisidian Antioch 2 goes to j00-church for Caturday servis.15 Da rabbis wuz liek "Iz open mic tiem for Paul an his frends".

16 So Paul waved at dem an sez "Hey d00dz, lissen!17 Ceiling Cat pickeded our dads for hiz favs. Him tak dem outta Egypt all saf,18 and even puts up wit dem when deys did stoopid stuffs fer 40 yeerz in da desert,19 and den him taeks teh land frum 7 cuntries and givez it 2 us.20 It took for-evah. Srlsy.

21 And when de d00ds asked for a king, him gaevs dem wun.22 Den Ceiling Cat maed teh king die cuz he wuz fail. Ceilin Cat maed David king, an sez 'David an me, we is bffs.'

23 "An from teh babiez David wuz makin comed baby Jezus, an hez teh kitten dat Ceiling Cat sed he wud giv us for teh savin frum Invisable Errors.24 Jonh teh Baptst cam furst and talkded to all teh J00s bout washin der soulz an turnin round der lifes.25 Wen he wuz almos dun, he sed, 'Who yu think I be? I iz not teh kitten of Ceiling Cat yu want find. Hez cumin later an he bes so leet i no can tuch hiz shoos wifout bein ded if he no sez okayz.'

26 "D00dz an gurlz, ppl frum Izreal an udder ppl who follow teh Ceiling Cat, we iz teh wuns Ceiling Cat pickeded to get msg of savin!! Iz so cool i almost splode sumtiems thinkin bout it!27 D00dz in Jerusalem no saw who Jezus be, but when dey pwnd him, dey did whut proffits sed loooong teim ago! Yu kno whut dem wurds is, cuz yu reed dem evry Caturday!28 Jeruselam d00dz no saw Jezus do bad stuffs, but tehy hads Pilate pwn hims just cuz dey wuz mad bout whut Jezus sed.29 Aftur pwn him jus leik proffits sed, dey put hims in teh ground.30 An Ceiling Cat maed hims respawn31 an lotsa d00dz saw hims and talked wif hims, and dey was all leik 'wtf?!', an dey is still talk bout him to ppl.

32 "We iz tell yu that teh good stuffs whut Ceilin Cat sed to our daddehs33 he did fer us kidz wen he gaves us Jezus. Leik sez in Psalm 2,

  "'You iz mah kitteh; today I maked u.'

34 "Ceiling Cat respawnd hims so hims nevar be smelly an gross leik rodkill. An Ceiling Cat sed,

  "'I iz giv yu kewl an speshul promis leik i givs 2 mai servnt David.'

35 "An sumwhar els David teh king sed,

  ""Yu wont evar let yur speshul kitteh get all nasty an stinky.'

36 "David got ded an got nasty an stinky an buried in da urf,37 but teh respawnd kitteh nevar had tiem to get nasty cuz Ceiling Cat wuz liek, "Tree daz ded is a kewl symbul ov stuff so no moar."

38 D00dz an gurlz, all dose thins iz tellin yu Jezus iz teh way tu get furgivn fur Invisable Errors!39 Him iz erase all yur errors so Ceiling Cat no see dem! (even tho Ceilin Cat seez evryfin, Jezus be like, "iz cool. i got dat," an Ceilin Cat be like, "lol, okies, i ignor.")40 B watchin yurself so yu not liek dis:

  41 "Ceilin Cat sez, 'Luk, n00bz, watch meh pwn yu wif my god-powarz ov awsum! I'ma do maor awsum stuffs then yu cn think uv, an if sumbuddy sed whut i'ma do, yu wud laugh cuz yu iz stoopid.'

42 Wen Paul n Barnabas goed owt, ppl wur leik, "Hey d00dz, cum bak nex Caturday! Want MOAR wurdz bout Ceilin Cat an Jezus!!"43 Wen teh groop ov ppl leeved, teh Jews goed wif Paul an Barnabas, an dey gived dem moar wurdz bout teh Ceiling Cat, an telled dem tu wrship him.

44 Teh nex Caturday, all teh kittehs caem tu heer bout Ceiling Cat an Jezus.45 But wen teh Jews saw dis, dey wuz liek, "WTF! WAI DEY LISSEN TU DEM! HE NOT SAY GUD TINGZ!

46 Den Paul an Barnabus wuz liek: "We telled yuz furst, but yuz wuz liek, "No, itz not tru.", so now we tellz teh Gentiles. Dey gunna get, liek nine bazillion lievs, but yuz only gets wun.47 Cuz dis iz wut teh Ceiling Cat telled us:  " 'I maked yuz a lite fr teh Gentiles,  so dat yuz give cheezburgrz to all teh urfs.' "

48 So den teh Gentiles wuz liek, "WEZ TEH BEST, N00BS!", an dey lissen tu teh Ceiling Cat; an dey all got teh nine bazillion liefs.

49 So teh wurdz ov teh Ceiling Cat goed all ovr.50 But teh Jews no liek dees tingz, so dey got all teh TopCats tu make Paul an Barnabas leev.51 So dey just goed tu Iconium insted. But dey wuz not hapee fr leeving.52 An der kittehs wer rly hapee, an dey wuz wif teh HovrCat, tu.


Acts 13
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