Acts 1

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New Testament

Jesus Gose to Teh Sunnyspotz in Teh Ceiling

 1 K so dis iz seccand book 'bout teh Jebsus. furst waz Luke, dis iz Acks, k?2 So Jebus wnt up to teh ceiling after tellin teh apossels "Oh hai, go preech, kthxbye"3 Cuz, srsly, he roze from teh ded, srsly, and he waz her 4 liek siks weekz goin ceilings grate.4 He waz liek "Oh hai, guyz, stai in Jerusalem 4 a wile, k? Mah dad has sumthin 4 u5 Iz not water, iz HoverCat, k?"

 6 So aposells wer liek "D00d, r u gonna maek Israel has cookie again?"

 7 An Jebus wuz liek "IDK but mah dad noes teh stuff8 And u guyz gonna get teh HoverCat and talkz bout me all ovar teh urths, srsly."

 9 After he sed this stuff he went to teh hole in ceiling on invisible escowlator. omg pwns!.

 10 An teh uther kittehs wer all starin, srsly! Cuz dis d00d jus liek wen up into teh ceiling! Holy moly! Two catz wit wiet fir wer all der suddnlee. Wer did dey com frum?!11 "Oh hai! Yo kittehs ov Galilee," dey sed 2gethurz, wich wuz creepy n stuf, srsly, "why u starin up in deh ceilin? D00d, teh Jebus can has retrnzorz, rly! He wil com dwn teh invisible escowlator!"

Matthias Is Lik Deh New Guy After Judas, Srsly.

 12 Den dey got boreded and tireded cuz lookin at teh ceilin a long time hurt der neckz. Dey has got to Jerusalem frum the Mount ov Olives, wich r icky green plantz and stufs.13 Wen dey get ther dey go up teh stares an go in a room. Peter wuz ther, John wuz ther, James an Andrew wuz ther, Philip an Thomas wuz ther, BartholeMEW an Matthew wuz ther, James (not teh Jebus broder! LOLZ!) and Simon (he wuz a bit zelus) wuz ther, an Judas wuz ther. Wai!!! Judas!? How he get ther? Oh! not dat Judas, sry, it wuz the son of James (I dun no wich James). Dey wer all in teh roomz, crowdin teh spase.14 Dey went togetherz n praid. Lotz. Srsly. Cuz Jebus wuz all up in teh ceilin now. omg, evn Mary n teh wiminz praid to!

 15 Den Peter stood up wit everywun Peter stood up on hiz hind legz (no wai!) wit teh bleeverz (liek hunderd twenny kittehs)16 an he sed, "Bros, u no wen teh Jebus wen up in teh Ceilin wit teh invisible escowlator? Well, deh HovrCat wuz in teh mouf of David, doin' teh profisy bout Judas (dat traitr!) Srsly.17 He useted to b wun ov uz! Rly! We shareded cookiez wit him.

 18 Becuz Judas wuz meen n takeded Jebus to teh bad guyz, he get kitteh treetz, n wit dat treetz he can has carpet feeld. In teh feeld he felded ovah and EWWWW! All his wiggly insides felded out! Gross, k? not gud.19 Den everywun hurd about dis an they has a funney name for dat feeld, its caled Akeldama, an dat jus meens 'Feeld ov Blud.'

 20 An it iz writed,

  'May diz plase be deserted (no, not lik kitteh treetz, k?)

  let nobuddy wan to lives here' an

  Mai anuther tak hiz place of leedrshipz, k?'

 21 Now we haz to fulfil profisy too an pick somwun els to leed. k? Now dun push, we gunna pick dat persun.22 Dis persun has be wit Jebus frum teh strt, k? All teh way to wen he get beeted n put on teh cross. Srsly. An he had to see Jebus go to teh ceiling. u got all dat?"

 23 Den dey choseded two men. Joseph wuz all, "Ooh! Ooh! Pick Barsabbas. but dat is hard to say, so pick Justus. Dat is hiz udder naem. Ooh! But Mattias iz cool too. k. We pick wun ov dem, kthnx."24 So den tey praid, "Ceiling Cat, yu know peepz hartz n stuff so u pick dis guy, plz?25 He take ovr teh ministree (disciplez n stuf, n liek wurd ov Ceiling Cat, k?), wich dat batrayer left to dah bad plase."26 But insted of waitin for Ceiling Cat dey jus draw strawz. Matthias winz! Yay!

Acts 1
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