Acts 1

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New Testament

Jesus Gose to Teh Sunnyspotz in Teh Ceiling

 1 K so dis iz seccand book 'bout teh Jesus. furst waz Luke, dis iz Acks, k?2 So Jesus wnt up to teh hevuns after tellin teh apossels "Oh hai, go preech, kthxbai"3 Cuz, srsly, he rose from teh ded, srsly, and he waz here 4 liek siks wekes goin ceilings grate.4 He waz liek "Oh hai, guyz, stai in Jerusalem 4 a wile, k? Mah dad has sumthin 4 u5 Iz not water, iz HoverCat, k?"  6 So aposells wer liek "D00d, r u gonna maek Israel has cookie again?"

 7 An Jesus wuz liek "IDK but mah dad noes teh stuff8 And u guyz gonna get teh HoverCat and preech bout me all ovar teh urths, srsly."

 9 After he sed this stuff he went to teh hole in ceiling on invisible escowlator. omg hax!.  10 An teh oder kitties were all starin, srsly! Cuz dis dude jus lik wen up into teh ceiling! Holey moley! Two menz wit white fir wer all der sudenly. Where did dey com frum?!11 "Oh hai! Yo kittehs ov Galilee," dey said togethurz, which wuz creepy and stufs, srsly, "why j00 bein stoopid an starin up in deh ceilin? Dude, teh Jesus can has returns, rly! He wil com down teh invisible escowlator!"

Matthias Is Lik Deh New Guy After Judas, Srsy.

 12 Den dey got boreded and tireded cuz lookin at teh ceilin a long time hurt da neckz. Dey has got to Jerusalem frum the Mount of Olives, wich are icky green plantz and stufs.13 Wen dey get ther dey go up teh stares an go into a room. Peter wuz ther, John wuz ther, James an Andrew wuz ther, Philip an Thomas wuz ther, BartholeMEW an Matthew wuz ther, James (not teh Jesus broder! lols) and Simon (he wuz a bit zelus) wuz ther, an Judas wuz ther. Wai!!! Judas!? How he get ther? Oh! not dat Judas, sry, it wuz the son of James (I dun no wich James). Dey were all in teh roomz, crowdin teh spaces.14 Dey went togetherz and tey all praid. Lotz. Srsly. Cuz Jesus wuz all up in teh ceilin now. omg, even Mary and teh wiminz praid to!

 15 Den Peter stood up wit everywun In those days Peter stood up among the believers[c] (a group numbering about a hundred and twenty)16 an he sed, "Broders, u kno wen teh Jesus wen up into teh Ceilin wit teh invisible escowlator? Well, deh HovrCat wuz in teh mouf of David, fulfillin teh profisy bout Judas (dat batrayer!). Srsly.17 He yused to be wun of us! Rly! We shareded cookiez wit him.

 18 Becuz Judas wuz meen and takeded Jesus to teh offisers, he getz monees, and wit dat monees he has a feeld. In teh feeld he felded ovah and EWWWW! All his wiggly insides felded out! Gross, k?19 Den everywun hurd about dis an they has a funney name for dat feeld, its caled Akeldama, an dat jus meens 'Feeld ov Blud.'

 20 An it iz witten,

  'May diz plase be deserted (no, not lik chawcolots, k?)   let nobudy wan to lives here' an   May anoder tak hiz place of leedershipz, k?'21 Now we haz to fulfil profisy too an pick somwun else to leed. k? Now dun push, we gunna pick dat persun.22 Dis persun has be wit Jesus frum teh beginin. ok? All teh way to teh time he get beeted and put on teh cross. Srsly. An he had to see Jesus go to teh ceilin. You got all dat?

Acts 1
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