2 Samuel 8

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Old Testament
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David teh PWNZOR

1 In teh corze uf tiem, Devid srsly pwned the crazy jews nd ttlly mde dem n00bz, nd he tk Metheg Ammah frm teh base of teh Philistines, geting all der baes nd maeking it hiz. Srsly.

2 Devid kan haz nd alwaiz wll pwn teh Moar-bitez. He mde dem liez downz on teh fuzzy carptez nd licekd dem off wif a piec of hurt. Erry two bitz of dem was shotz, and teh dird bitz wuz let live lung. Zo teh Moar-bitez3 becommed zubjected too Devid nd brunged cheezeburgerz. Moreovr, david fought hadadezr son ov rehob, king ov zobah, when he went 2 restore his control along teh eufratez rivr.

4 david capturd thousand ov his chariots, 7 thousand charioteers [a] an twenty thousand foot soldiers. He hamstrung all but hundrd ov teh chariot horsez.5 when teh arameanz ov damascus came 2 halp hadadezr king ov zobah, david struck down twenty-2 thousand ov them.

6 he put garrisons in da aramean kingdom ov damascus, an teh arameanz became subject 2 him an brought tribute. Teh lord gaev david victory wherevr he went.7 david took teh gold shieldz dat belongd 2 teh officers ov hadadezr an brought them 2 jerusalem.

8 frum tebah [b] an berothai, towns dat belongd 2 hadadezr, king david took great quantity ov bronze.9 when tou [c] king ov hamath herd dat david had defeatd teh entire army ov hadadezr,10 he sent his son joram [d] 2 king david 2 greet him an congratulate him on his victory in battle ovar hadadezr, hoo had been at war wif tou. Joram brought wif him articlez ov silvr an gold an bronze.

11 king david dedicatd thees articlez 2 teh lord, as he had dun wif teh silvr an gold frum all teh nashuns he had subdud:12 edom [e] an moab, teh ammonitez an teh filistinez, an amalek. He also dedicatd teh plundr taken frum hadadezr son ov rehob, king ov zobah.13 an david became famous aftr he returnd frum strikin down eighteen thousand edomitez [f] in da valley ov salt.

14 he put garrisons throughout edom, an all teh edomitez became subject 2 david. Teh lord gaev david victory wherevr he went.

Davidz officials

15 david reignd ovar all israel, doin wut wuz jus an rite 4 all his peeps.16 joab son ov zeruiah wuz ovar teh army; jehoshafat son ov ahilud wuz recordr;17 zadok son ov ahitub an ahimelech son ov abiathar wuz priests; seraiah wuz secretary;18 benaiah son ov jehoiada wuz ovar teh kerethitez an pelethitez; an davidz sons wuz royal advisers. [g]

Teh Footnotez
  • a - 2 samuel 8:4 septuagint (c also ded sea scrolls an 1 chron. 18:4 masoretic text capturd seventeen hundrd ov his charioteers
  • b - 2 samuel 8:8 c sum septuagint manuscripts (c also 1 chron. 18:8 hebrew betah .
  • c - 2 samuel 8:9 hebrew toi , variant ov tou ; also in verse 10
  • d - 2 samuel 8:10 variant ov hadoram
  • e - 2 samuel 8:12 sum hebrew manuscripts, septuagint an syriac (c also 1 chron. 18:11 most hebrew manuscripts aram
  • f - 2 samuel 8:13 few hebrew manuscripts, septuagint an syriac (c also 1 chron. 18:12 most hebrew manuscripts aram (dat iz, arameanz)
  • g - 2 samuel 8:18 or wuz priests
2 Samuel 8
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