2 Samuel 5
From LOLCat Bible Translation Project
David Iz TopCat in Israel!!! OMG!!!
1 An all teh Israel peeps caem tu David at Hebron an wuz leik, "Wez yo kittehs fo reals! We iz wun fambly and stuffs! SRSLY, k?2 Wen dat d00d Saul waz Top Cat n stuff, yu wuz teh wun who actshully leed uz wen we fited teh nasty doggz. An Ceiling Cat eben tol yu, 'Yuo gunna be teh sheperd uf mai Israel peeps, an yu gunna be Top Cat!'"
3 Teh old cats iz old, butt dey all goed to TopCat David at Hebron. Top Cat David maed deel with them (leik, yuz no steel mah mouseh toyz, I no poop in yuz food bowl, onlee teh deel wif David an teh old cats wuz a littel diffent, probly). Newai, den teh old cats giv David good lickin, wich meens dey liek him, an David waz TopCat in Israel! OMG YAY!!!
4 David wuz tirty wen him startd bein TopCat, an he bez teh Top Cat fo FOARTY YERS! OMG WOAAH!5 He wuz in Hebron bein Top Cat uf Judah fo seben yers n six monts, an den in Jerusalem he wuz bein TopCat uf Judah AN Israel fo thirty-tree yaers! Srsly.
David PWNS Jerusalem
6 Teh king an his doodz marchd 2 jerusalem 2 attack teh jebusiets, hoo livd thar. Teh jebusiets sed 2 david, "u will not git in her; even teh blind an teh lame can ward u off." they thot, "david cant git in her."7 nevertheles, david capturd teh fortres ov zion, teh city ov david.
8 on dat dai, david sed, "anyone hoo conquers teh jebusiets will has 2 use teh watr shaft [a] 2 reach dose lame an blind hoo r davidz enemiez. [b] " dat iz y they say, "teh blind an lame will not entr teh palace."
9 david den took up residence in da fortres an calld it teh city ov david. He built up teh area around it, frum teh supportin terracez [c] inward.10 an he became moar an moar powerful, cuz teh lord ceilin cat almighty wuz wif him.
11 nao hiram king ov tyre sent mesengers 2 david, along wif cedar logs an carpenters an stonemasons, an they built palace 4 david.12 an david knew dat teh lord had establishd him as king ovar israel an had exaltd his kingdom 4 da saek ov his peeps israel.
13 aftr he left hebron, david took moar concubinez an wivez in jerusalem, an moar sons an daughters wuz born 2 him.14 thees r teh namez ov teh children born 2 him thar: shammua, shobab, nathan, solomon,15 ibhar, elishua, nefeg, jafia, 16 elishama, eliada an elifelet.
David PWNS teh Filistinez
17 when teh filistinez herd dat david had been anointd king ovar israel, they went up in full force 2 search 4 him, but david herd bout it an went down 2 teh stronghold.18 nao teh filistinez had come an spread out in da valley ov refaim;19 so david inquird ov teh lord, "shall i go an attack teh filistinez? Will u hand them ovar 2 me?" Teh lord anzwerd him, "go, 4 im gonna surely hand teh filistinez ovar 2 u."
20 so david went 2 baal perazim, an thar he defeatd them. He sed, "as waters break out, teh lord has brokd out against mah enemiez before me." so dat place wuz calld baal perazim. [d]21 teh filistinez abandond their idols thar, an david an his doodz carrid them off.
22 once moar teh filistinez came up an spread out in da valley ov refaim;23 so david inquird ov teh lord, an he anzwerd, "do not go straight up, but circle around behind them an attack them in frunt ov teh balsam treez.24 as soon as u hear teh sound ov marchin in da tops ov teh balsam treez, moov quickly, cuz dat will meen teh lord has gone out in frunt ov u 2 strike teh filistine army."
25 so david did as teh lord commandd him, an he struck down teh filistinez all teh wai frum gibeon [e] 2 gezr.
- a - 2 samuel 5:8 or use scalin hookz
- b - 2 samuel 5:8 or r hatd by david
- c - 2 samuel 5:9 or teh millo
- d - 2 samuel 5:20 baal perazim meanz teh lord hoo breakz out .
- e - 2 samuel 5:25 septuagint (c also 1 chron. 14:16 hebrew geba
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