2 Samuel 4

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Ish-Bosheth Iz Murdurd! OMGWTFBBQ!

1 Wen Ish-Bosheth, teh sun of Aul, heerd taht Abner dyedz in Hebron, he got skeered, an Israel wuz liek "OMG O noes!"2 An Saulz sunz had menz who wuz leederz of raidurz (not teh futbal teem). An dey wuz Baanah an Recab. An dey wuz sunz of Rimmon teh Beerothite frum teh tryb of Benjamin. Beeroth iz partz of Benjamin,3 bcuz teh peepul from Beeroth ranz awai to Gittaim an livz dere az alienz (not frum spaec).

4 O, btw, Jonathon teh sun of Saul hadz a sun an teh sunz feetz wuz bad an stuff. An datz bcuz dis wun tiem he fellz. An his naem wuz Mephibosheth.

5 Newai, Recab an Baanah wentz to Ish-Boshethz howse an got there at teh middul of teh day wen he wuz nappinz.6 Dey went insiedz an stabbdz him an ranz awai. Srsly.

7 An dey cutz off hiz hed an taekz it wif dem.8 An dey gaev teh hed to David teh king an wuz liek "Heer iz teh hed of teh sun of Saul teh gai who tryd to killz u. Ceiling Cat avenjz u!"

9 An David wuz liek,10 "Wen sum gai sed taht Saul wuz ded, he touhght it wuz gud neuz, but ai killdz him.11 An u iz wurs, bcuz teh gai u killd didn do nuffing!"

12 An so David hadz hiz menz kill teh gaiz. An Dey cutz off teh hanz an feetz an hung up teh bodeez. An dey bureed Ish-Boshethz hed in Abnerz toom in Hebron.

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